It sure is bracing being thrust back into the "beleaguered" days again, isn't it? Sure, things aren't nearly as dire as they were in those heady days of '96 and '97, when rag-clad Apple employees were living in cardboard boxes and accosting passers-by with signs reading "WILL CRAFT HUMAN INTERFACE FOR FOOD." Still, Apple's last earnings warning definitely burst a bubble, and the company's stock is currently trading at less than a third of what it commanded back in March. Whether these hard times will abate sooner rather than later depends largely on what happens when Apple reveals its actual fourth quarter results this Wednesday after the markets close. (By the way, you did enter our Beat The Analysts contest, right? You've only got until Tuesday night to register your prediction...)

But regardless of how Apple's quarterly numbers turn out, what's got the traders spooked is the news that Mac sales are down. Cubes aren't selling quickly enough, schools are getting stingy with their Mac budgets, and customers all over the world just aren't snapping up Macs at the zippy pace to which Apple has gotten accustomed in this Golden Age of Translucency. Nothing Fred Anderson says on Wednesday will change that-- unless it's something like "Oops-- we goofed. Sales are stronger than ever! My bad." No, what Apple needs is something to juice the buying community. The Halloween decorations are up, and you know what that means: it's Christmas shopping time, and Apple needs a whopper of a holiday buying season to pull itself out of this perceived hole.

"But AtAT," we hear you asking, "what on earth can I do to alleviate Apple's pain?" Well, it's good of you to ask. Your heart's in the right place. What you need to do is buy Cubes for everyone on your Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/non-denominational secular gift-giving season list. You can swing that, right? And don't forget the iMac for your mail carrier-- and the Pro Mouse makes a festive stocking stuffer. Buy a dozen.

What's that? You don't have a $20,000 holiday spending budget? Hmmm... Well, instead, we suppose you could help by persuading other, less destitute consumers to spend their filthy lucre on mucho Macness to stick under their Christmas trees or non-denominational holiday shrubs or wherever their presents get stowed. See, Apple knows that a solid holiday season is crucial to its comeback, and as such, the Demo Days are being hauled out in full force. Apple may be crazy, but it's not stupid; it knows that actual Mac owners make the best salespeople. According to Mac OS Planet, there are still plenty of open slots, so if you're willing to kick in five hours on a Sunday to tout the Joys of Macdom to frenzied holiday shoppers, hurry up and get in on the action. It's a sure way to get on Santa's "good" list this year-- and the $75 won't hurt, either. (But MarketSource gets a lump of coal for lack of attention to detail; their site still boasts Apple's defunct rainbow logo instead of the new solid-color variety.)