We Have Met The Enemy... (10/20/00)
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Everyone knows that Wall Street is a harsh mistress-- and with the recent surge in online trading (which opened up the world of trading stocks to anyone with an Internet connection, a few hundred bucks, and a functioning mouse hand) she's an ever-increasingly irrational mistress as well. Exhibit A: take what happened to AAPL's price after last month's earnings warning; the prediction of a $50 million shortfall and the ensuing panicked sell-off by twitchy dotcom gold-diggers caused Apple's market cap to bleed $8 billion overnight. Overreact much?

Despite the warning, when Apple wound up posting a profit that fell exactly within the range that the company had formerly predicted, Wall Street shaved a few more dollars off of Apple's stock price just for consistency's sake. So now Apple's reeling from the stock price equivalent of a massive bleeding head wound. Who's to blame? The press? If we had to judge solely by the lip-licking glee of CNET, who apparently feels that "Apple stock drops again" is real news, we might say yes. But the flip side is adequately represented, for example, in Morningstar.com's analysis that at its current price, buying AAPL is a "no-brainer." So it's not the press.

Apple itself? Granted, there were a few managerial missteps that contributed to the company's current woes, but overpricing the Cube by a few hundred bucks hardly justifies such a stock price butt-whipping. That's like getting the electric chair for squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle. Nope, we lay the majority of the blame for AAPL's decline squarely on the shoulders of Wall Street itself-- and specifically the subset of Ritalin-munching, dotcom-milking, IPO-stalking, day-trading, "there's gold in them thar stocks" head cases who are just looking for the easy score and the quick million. Face it: if Ralph Kramden were alive today (and, um, a real person), he'd be recklessly e-trading with the rest of the cattle until Alice clocked him one with a frying pan. So here at AtAT, we've enacted a cunning plan to fight this scourge that's only adding to Apple's troubles. We've enlisted.

That's right, kiddies; one Ameritrade application later, and we're the latest mooks to climb on the e-trading bandwagon. But we're going to be different; we plan to subvert the brain-damaged status quo from within. We bought our shares of AAPL and we're going to treat them as what they are: a microscopic part of Apple itself. Our shares are a vote of confidence in a company we believe in, not some foreign currency to be cashed in at the first sign of trouble. Of course, that's not to say that we aren't eagerly anticipating Apple's rebound and a stupendous return on our investment. So in the interest of full disclosure, we'd like to inform you all that from now on, our deliriously non-objective pro-Apple content cranked out for love of the company and its products will be replaced by all-new deliriously non-objective pro-Apple content intended to make us some serious dough. Are we clear?

 
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From the writer/creator of AtAT, a Pandemic Dad Joke taken WAYYYYYY too far

 

The above scene was taken from the 10/20/00 episode:

October 20, 2000: The stock market is insane-- so AtAT now feels right at home. Meanwhile, Apple looks to boost sales by releasing "Apple Store Exclusives" into the retail channel, and speculation as to the portable equivalent of the Cube has people drooling already...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 2626: Choice: Whodathunkit? (10/20/00)   Heads up-- Apple's sales are in a slump, so the company's enacting a few measures to try to move a little more product. Among those changes, according to MacWEEK, is the apparent elimination of the "Apple Store Exclusive."...

  • 2627: Hey, We Want One Already (10/20/00)   When Apple extended its four-cornered Grid O' Products to make room for the Cube, who knew the newcomer would wreak so much havoc? Suddenly the simplicity of Apple's product plan was broken; no longer could we choose a Mac based purely on two binary variables: form factor (desktop or portable) and demographic (consumer or professional)...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

Vote Early, Vote Often!
Why did you tune in to this '90s relic of a soap opera?
Nostalgia is the next best thing to feeling alive
My name is Rip Van Winkle and I just woke up; what did I miss?
I'm trying to pretend the last 20 years never happened
I mean, if it worked for Friends, why not?
I came here looking for a receptacle in which to place the cremated remains of my deceased Java applets (think about it)

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