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Ending The K-12 Slaughter (10/31/00)
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'Tis the season for all the ghouls and ghosts and scary stuff to come creeping out of the closet. In Apple's case, the Fright Brigade includes earnings warnings, a jittery investor community, slow Cube sales, and that most insidious of bugaboos: rapidly declining Education market share. Aaaiiieeeeeeeee!!! But don't go stumbling panic-stricken into the woods clad only in a frilly negligee just yet; according to an Apple press release, the company has just enlisted some new blood to help fight that last nightmare from the inside. Though it seems her official title will be "vice president of Education Marketing and Solutions," please welcome Vanquisher of Evil, Cheryl Vedoe.
Who is this mysterious hero tasked with restoring Apple to its former glory, you wonder? Funny you should ask; apparently Ms. Vedoe is executing a rather Steve-like maneuver and returning to Apple to save the day. At some unspecified point in the past, she was the "vice president of Apple's Education Division," and that's enough of a qualification to satisfy us. After all, if Frankenstein's monster were here, he'd sum up the situation as "past Education sales good... now education sales BAD." So if Cheryl can work her magic to get Apple back onto the Education throne (where, according to at least one market research firm, the usurper Dell currently sits), we're all in for a happy ending.
Of course, it's not going to be easy. In addition to fighting a rising tide of zombified Wintel sympathizers shambling through the blood-stained halls of the school system, the brave woman also faces the daunting prospect of reporting directly to Steve himself-- a fate that would send most mere mortals screaming into the night. Still, we're sure she's up to the task, and we wish her the greatest success in her Steve-mandated goal: "to regain market share beginning in 2001." With a little luck and a whole lot of work, perhaps Apple can return to capturing the Education market share of its glory days-- and its competition will wind up getting liquified in a tree shredder. Mwaaahahahahahaa!!
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And Now For A Word From Our Sponsors |
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 | | The above scene was taken from the 10/31/00 episode: October 31, 2000: Apple rehires an old education veep to take back its market share from the Wintel horde. Meanwhile, Gateway's copying of Apple's design sense becomes ever more brazen, and rumors of 400 Mbps wireless FireWire keep us all toasty warm at night...
Other scenes from that episode: 2647: The Night Of The Rabid Cow (10/31/00) Moooooooo. That's the sound of the legitimization of copycat design, and it's emanating from those holstein-spotted Wintel maniacs at Gateway. No longer are cheap impostors of Apple gear solely the domain of bargain-basement outfits like Future Power; now the big boys can get into the act, too... 2648: Wires Are SO 20th Century (10/31/00) FireWire! It's the coolest peripheral interconnect technology since sliced bread-- or, rather, it would be, if sliced bread were a really cool peripheral interconnect technology instead of just raw toast...
Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast... | |  |
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