Well, originally we had opted to ignore Business Week's latest "Street Wise" article on Apple's alleged return to beleaguerment in hopes that the author, Sam Jaffe, would eventually realize that he has a problem and admit that he wrote it after having licked a certain species of toad. Unfortunately, the likelihood of such an admission is dwindling by the minute, and we assume now that Mr. Jaffe's probably too busy to apologize because he's out chasing hallucinogenic amphibians with a net. (We'd schedule an intervention, but we've got holiday shopping to do.)

And so, in light of the umpteen faithful viewers who urged us to do so, we feel morally compelled to direct you, our viewing audience, towards Mr. Jaffe's drug-addled prose poem about Apple's imminent demise. It stands as a cautionary tale about the dangers of approaching the keyboard while watching the colors swirl and listening to various smells. While the man makes some valid points about Apple's recent financial stumbles, anyone who considers even for a second that "Steve Jobs has no white rabbits left in his hat" is clearly bucking for a poster-boy position for Toad-Lickers Anonymous. As a matter of fact, as if we needed more proof, Mr. Jaffe's use of the phrase "white rabbit" is an obvious reference to the psychedelic Jefferson Airplane song of the groovy '60s and therefore a thinly-veiled cry for help. (One pill makes you smaller, right, Sam?)

Furthermore, while Business Week readers unschooled in Apple's product line or the elements of relative computing performance may not notice anything wrong, the rest of us had to wonder why the article wasn't titled "Why Can't Sammy Add?" Apparently Sam decided to do a little research for his article while toaded-up to the gills, and cruised the Apple Store looking for evidence that Macs are too expensive. His comparison? A dual-processor 500 MHz Power Mac G4 versus some Gateway box with a single 700 MHz Celeron-- which Toad Boy refers to as a "similar model." Sir, back away from the mouse and keep your hands where we can see them!

Okay, okay-- comparing a dual G4/500 to a single 700 MHz Celeron (geez, he couldn't even dig up a PIII?) might purely be the result of raw organic stupidity, but there's more: Sam priced the G4 at $7598, evidently failing to notice that the sticker price included $3999 for a 22-inch flat-panel Apple Cinema Display. That goes way beyond natural thickheadedness, people; the man is clearly abusing some kind of controlled substance. Otherwise he wouldn't have made a slew of other mistakes, too: the claim that the fastest Mac "boasts only a 500 MHz processor" (instead of two); the claim that IBM is no longer developing the PowerPC; and the claim that IBM (and not Motorola) is to blame for Apple's clock speed drought.

Hopefully Sam will get himself some help. In the meantime, kids, don't let this happen to you; read his article and see what a life of drug abuse can do to a formerly functional adult. It would almost be funny if it weren't so sad. Remember, everyone-- just say no to toad-licking.