Steve, Ginger, And Tyranny (1/11/01)
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Oh, sure, the incurable skeptics among you scoffed when we expounded at length about Steve Jobs and his master plans for world domination, but who's laughing now? You all got completely taken in by his "oh, I'm just an enthusiastic tech guy with a stunning fashion sense" act, and utterly failed to account for the Steve lurking beneath that happy-go-lucky exterior-- the Steve that is suppressed when the cameras are rolling and the fans are watching. The Steve who fires bozos upon a whim and reduces interviewees to tears just for fun. The Steve of legend. The Dark Steve.

Not that Dark Steve is a particularly evil guy or anything, but he clearly has a bent for taking over the planet-- and he's patient enough to work towards that goal so slowly and deliberately that most people never even recognize what he's trying to do. Why, during daylight hours, we ourselves sometimes wonder if the whole "Dark Steve's World Domination" idea isn't just a little over the top, but late at night we start to come to our senses again. (We're starting to realize that the effects of the Reality Distortion Field start to weaken considerably at about 2 AM; "You don't have to be sleep-deprived to recognize the intricacies of this conspiracy, but it sure helps!")

Anyway, in light of the new evidence, we're utterly certain that all you skeptics will apologize profusely for doubting the obvious truth and will immediately start stockpiling canned goods and firearms in preparation for the inevitable. What new evidence, you ask? Well, faithful viewer Ophion pointed out an article over at Inside about Dean Kamen's top secret new invention-- something code-named "Ginger." The thing is, very few people know what Ginger is-- hence that "top secret" part. But one thing we do know is that "technology visionaries" in on the surprise are calling this thing bigger than the Internet in terms of potential for revolutionizing the world.

Here's the part that makes the pieces click into place: one of the tech visionaries who's in on the Ginger secret is none other than-- big surprise-- Steve Jobs. In fact, Steve himself has made a few public comments about Ginger, apparently relying on his RDF to allay suspicion; he has called the Ginger technology "as significant as" the personal computer, and said that "if enough people see the machine you won't have to convince them to architect cities around it. It'll just happen." That tantalizing clue, when viewed in the light of several other hints (Kamen is an "avid aviator," Ginger fits into two duffel bags and can be assembled in ten minutes, it will "profoundly affect our environment and the way people live" by acting as an alternative to "products that are dirty, expensive, sometimes dangerous and often frustrating, especially for people in the cities," etc.) have led many to conclude that Ginger is some sort of personal transport device that will replace the automobile. Stay up late enough, though, and it doesn't take long to see that it's actually an instrument for the subjugation of the masses-- and Steve's in on the ground floor.

We beseech you-- set aside the obvious interpretation that Ginger is a personal hovercraft or a jetpack or something, stay up for, say, forty-eight hours straight, and take a look at the big picture. At some point it'll all come clear, and you'll start building a lead-lined concrete Ginger bunker in your back yard in preparation for the big day. We know that most of you will laugh this off as some big joke, and hey, that's your prerogative. But when Ginger is unleashed upon a largely unsuspecting world in 2002 and Dark Steve seizes control of the four largest governments in power, don't say we didn't warn you.


 
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The above scene was taken from the 1/11/01 episode:

January 11, 2001: If you're wondering why Apple's new consumer applications require professional hardware, just wait a while. Meanwhile, Mac OS X is really starting to grow past that awkward "public beta" stage, and Steve is privy to the mysterious new invention called "Ginger" that promises to change the world as we know it...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 2790: Burning For The Rest Of Us (1/11/01)   Timing can be a real bummer, you know that? For instance, take Apple's stunning new "killer apps" revealed on Tuesday. First there's iTunes, one remarkably slick suite of audio functions done up in a tightly integrated, nice-looking package...

  • 2791: Geez, It's Almost A Mac! (1/11/01)   Hey, in the heady rush of all that good stuff that came spilling off the stage during the keynote, we've yet to mention our reaction to the changes to Mac OS X that Steve demonstrated. Basically, if we have to pick a word, we're going to go with "yippee."...

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