Alert the medical journals, because it's time to reevaluate what we know about the insidious phenomenon of LSD flashbacks. Most of the available literature indicates that users of lysergic acid diethylamide can experience symptoms such as "acquired color confusion," "flashes of color," and "geometric pseudohallucinations" for long periods after their last exposure to the drug-- periods of "as long as two years." However, a new case study that's come to light in Japan may indicate that LSD's long-term effects can lie dormant for far longer periods of time, emerging even decades after the last ingestion.

As we all know from the definitive history of Apple's origins (TNT's "Pirates of Silicon Valley"), Steve Jobs dropped his share of acid back in the seventies, though we doubt that he ever considered that his reckless hallucinogen abuse would resurface to bite him in the butt a quarter of a century later. But that's clearly what's happening, because we're at a loss to find any other logical explanation for the new iMacs unveiled in Tokyo. CD-RW drives in the higher-end models, FireWire and iMovie 2 across the board, better speakers, faster G3s-- these are all reasonable and welcome improvements to the iMac product line. But those new patterns-- "Flower Power" and "Blue Dalmatian"-- can only be the product of a severe acid flashback. Thank goodness that some square not hip to Steve's stone-cold groove managed to talk the man down enough to get the go-ahead to keep Indigo and Graphite for the less-groovy and/or less-stoned customers out there.

If, by some odd set of circumstances, you haven't yet seen the iMac's new look, do so, so you know what we're talking about. When we first tuned into Apple's revamped iMac page last night following a hot tip by faithful viewer The Amazing Llama, at first we wondered if the site had been hacked. Then we wondered who would ever buy a computer with lots of pretty flowers all over it. Then we tried to imagine what sort of debilitating mental disorder made anyone at Apple think that what the average consumer really wants is a powder-blue computer covered in white spots like a smurf with some form of contagious disease. It was at that point that we recalled Steve's history of drug use, and all the pieces fell into place. (Then we started wondering just how the heck we're going to come up with "Flower Power" and "Blue Dalmatian" preference settings for AtAT, but that's a whole 'nother mess altogether.)

But perhaps we're judging too harshly. After all, Apple claims that it devoted a year and a half to the creation and perfection of the iMac's new patterns. (If you consider the cost of keeping Apple's design team tripping on hallucinogens for eighteen months, suddenly Apple's recent quarterly loss makes a lot more sense.) Apple does market research to pinpoint exactly what people want, and evidently what people want are iMacs that look like an accident in a 1970s wallpaper factory. We certainly can't argue with research. And to the dozens of you who wrote in calling Apple's new iMac designs "ugly," "butt-ugly," "pug-ugly," "u-GLAY," etc., we're compelled to inform you that, just like us, you're wrong. This is science!

Now that we've established that fact, let's consider the positives of "Flower Power" and "Blue Dalmatian," shall we? First of all, remember that this unveiling took place in Japan-- and we wouldn't be surprised if the Japanese market ate this kind of thing for breakfast. (The cheers present on CNET's RealVideo of the Stevenote may bear out that theory.) And secondly, it's really tough to represent a translucent, textured, three-dimensional piece of modern sculpture in a photo on the web; faithful viewer Graham Parks was present at the special event in Croydon, and was able to examine the new iMacs up close and personal. His estimation? "Flower Power looked awful on the video, but is alright in person... Blue Dalmatian looks really good in that there real world, a kind of mesh pattern." So we'll reserve final judgment for when we see what these things look like right in front of us. Remember, Key Lime wasn't the end of the world, either-- and the Europeans dug it when Steve introduced it in Paris.

But regardless of how the new iMacs sell, Steve clearly needs treatment. As faithful viewer Brian Maranta was horrified to discover, whatever the drugs have done to Steve's grey matter has obviously affected his fashion sense; if floral and canine-coat iMacs aren't evidence enough, you need look no further than Mr. Mercurial's choice of dress for the occasion: a pinstripe suit and a silver tie. What, no turtleneck? No jeans? And perhaps even more disturbing, no "one more thing" at the end of the keynote? The man's just not himself these days...