Being the CEO of a major corporation requires focus, drive, stamina, and the ability to function without sleep-- which is why the AtAT staff never tries to manage anything more complicated than the timer on the VCR. Sure, we're old champs when it comes to sleep deprivation, but leave "drive" and "stamina" out of the equation, because when we stay up late, it's because we're on the couch flipping between reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies and infomercials for the AB Roller. And focus? Please... our attention span is shorter than-- hey, what's that shiny thing over there?!

Sorry, what were we talking about? Oh, right; CEOs. Well, thanks to MacNN, we happened across a very interesting article in The Wall Street Journal about what it takes to be a CEO these days. Most of it's fluff about some poor sap who runs an offshore holding company, but if you get far enough into it, you'll strike gold: the secret of success of none other than Steve Jobs himself! "Apple Computer's Steve Jobs, 46, stays energized during the week by avoiding caffeine and drinking lots of water throughout his long workdays." Is this just a helpful hint for aspiring corporate bigwigs, or does it hold the key to Steve's very identity?

See, we've all known for ages that Steve is an alien, right? After all, the whole article is about the superhuman stamina necessary to run even one large company, and here's Steve running two without even breaking a sweat. Furthermore, we at AtAT avoid caffeine and drink water just like Steve does, and we barely have the energy to change channels, let alone juggle two massive careers and a family. But reading about this "no caffeine, lots of water" strategy tripped a little switch in our collective memory, and now we know exactly what kind of alien Steve happens to be.

Did you ever see The Faculty, one of the recent spate of campy teen horror movies that flooded the market in the late '90s? In addition to being a rollicking star-studded flick of the "pod people/body snatchers" variety that features, among other choice moments, writing implements being rammed through various body parts (Bebe Neuwirth's hand and Jon Stewart's eye; different writing implements, though), we're now convinced that it holds the key to Steve's identity. We probably won't be ruining the film for those of you who haven't yet seen it if we mention that the aliens 1) can pass for human, 2) are trying to take over the world, 3) can't stand caffeine, and 4) drink more water than would generally be considered wise or possible for the average homo sapiens. Cue lightbulb over head!

There you have it, friends; if you want the skinny on Steve's biological makeup, rent The Faculty and screen it as research vital to surviving the coming revolution. And now you know the secret behind that bottle of water than never leaves Steve's sight...