Hint: It's Not The Pinky (8/6/01)
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It just isn't Monday without a little dose of surrealism and opaque bureaucracy, so it's with great pleasure that we submit for your approval Apple's struggle with the Germantown, TN Design Review Commission. Evidently the company has run into a teensy snag with respect to its plan to open one of its new retail stores in the Memphis suburb; faithful viewer sketcha.com pointed out a GoMemphis.com article which reports that our protagonist is struggling to obtain a "variance on the city's sign ordinance," and is currently in the throes of revising its proposal.

What's wrong with Apple's sign, you ask? Well, you're probably aware that Apple went with the "PowerBook light-up logo" look for its store signage; instead of actual words identifying the location, Apple simply posts a pair of giant luminous Apple logos. According to the Germantown planning commission, there are apparently two things wrong with that approach. One is that the Apple logos are luminous. The other is that the Apple logos are Apple logos.

It may be funny, but it's no joke; evidently Germantown has a sign ordinance which prohibits "internal illumination" in store signs, as well as-- and we swear we're not making this up-- representations of "food items." (A suburb of Memphis doesn't allow pictures of food on store signs? Are we sure that Elvis used to live there?) We're not even going to try to fathom what the town has against pictures of food. Despite the fact that Apple is selling computers, not food (no matter how lickable said computers may in fact be), and despite the fact that Apple's logo is recognized worldwide as the mark of a computer maker, not a fruit market, Germantown has decided to make life difficult for the company. Any bets that the design commission is staffed by Wintel enthusiasts?

We could see Apple trying to argue that an apple's primary raison d'être is to play a role in the reproductive cycle of a particular kind of tree, and the fact that we just happen to eat them is purely coincidental. Pity there's a huge bite taken out of that sucker, though. Still, it could be worse; imagine the hassle if the company's logo were a giant light-up Slim Jim, instead. May we suggest a potential alternative sign for Apple just in case the town refuses to grant a variance? We're picturing a big picture of a hand with one particular finger extended...


 
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And Now For A Word From Our Sponsors
 

From the writer/creator of AtAT, a Pandemic Dad Joke taken WAYYYYYY too far


 

The above scene was taken from the 8/6/01 episode:

August 6, 2001: First it was iReview; now KidSafe gets the shaft. Meanwhile, Apple struggles with a Memphis suburb's sign ordinance that effective makes Apple's logo illegal to display outside a retail store, and Microsoft bigwig Steve Ballmer wins "Missing Link" status from noted anthropologists worldwide...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 3221: Another One Bites The Dust (8/6/01)   Put on a black suit and a somber look, because another arm of Apple's Internet strategy just got lopped off without warning. About a year and a half ago, Uncle Steve rolled out an initiative by which Apple intended to improve the Internet experience both for Mac users and (to a lesser extent) for people using those "other" computers...

  • 3223: Sweet Lord, Take Us Now (8/6/01)   Be afraid... be very afraid. We're about to point you toward a video clip that contains approximately seventy-three seconds of the most frightening video footage ever captured on tape. Forget the Blair Witch Project; loop this sucker eighty times, strip out the color and toss in a bunch of camera-shake, and we guarantee that twenty percent of every test audience will be throwing up in the bathroom...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

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