Bribing Schoolkids Is Fun (3/26/02)
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As all of you paranoid Mac conspiracy theorists are no doubt well aware, Steve Jobs has been quietly skimming funds from Apple's sizeable cash stockpile for the past several years and using the moolah to pay for the construction of a massive underground alien weaponry and cloning facility far from the snooping eyes of this planet's nosy world powers-- in other words, on Mars. So far that's worked out just fine, what with most people far too concerned with earthbound matters to consider the possibility of a Jobsian Death Ray and warlord clone research lab soon going live on the Red Planet, especially since most right-thinking individuals never take a single word we say at all seriously. (Funny, that.)

But what's this? Faithful viewer Brian tipped us off to an article in Science Daily about how the camera system aboard NASA's Mars Odyssey spacecraft is being used to obtain pictures of the Martian surface that are the "most detailed... ever obtained." Normally, that would be nothing for Steve to worry about, since most people in this country are flash-hypnotized to ignore any strange doings that might be related to His Steveness's plans for global domination; it happens during the eye exam when getting a driver's license. But as it turns out, the inquisitive little munchkins remotely poking around in the dirt on Mars's surface are none other than middle school students, and as such, they've yet to succumb to mind control devices in play at the Department of Motor Vehicles. If those students were to discover Steve's outpost (and no, it doesn't look like a face; we're told it's shaped more like a waffle with a Bic pen thrust through it), it could set back his plans by up to a decade.

So what to do? Fear not, Apple fans; Steve's got the situation well in hand. Just take a gander at these College of Liberal Arts and Sciences photos of those middle school kids processing their Mars photographs. Notice anything interesting? Those kids are all using brand new Quicksilver Power Mac G4s with flat-panel displays-- you know, the kind that most schoolkids dream about as they doodle in KidPix on their school's LC IIIs with the twelve-inch greyscale monitors. Heck, you can spot three Quicksilver-and-LCD Mac systems lined up in one photo. And we take it we're not supposed to surmise that those shiny new machines were a "gift" from a certain mercurial sugar daddy in exchange for the kids' silence, should they happen to stumble upon any suspiciously waffle-and-Bic-shaped crater formations, right? Right. Oh me oh my, that man is smooth...


 
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The above scene was taken from the 3/26/02 episode:

March 26, 2002: First at the Grammys and now at the Oscars, it's the hottest fad to sweep the nation: free iPods for the rich and famous. Meanwhile, just after Mac OS X turns one year old, a pair of long-awaited crucial apps hit the release stage, and a group of middle school kids are analyzing high-resolution images of the surface of planet Mars-- using suspiciously new and expensive equipment...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 3649: Free To The Rich & Famous (3/26/02)   Ladies and gentlemen, allow us to present the cruel irony of the iPod: Joe Average drools over the product but can't justify spending $399 for the convenience of carrying a thousand songs in his pocket, while the lucky few who can afford to buy them by the gross and use them as stylish clay pigeon replacements for a few rounds of skeet-shooting, well, those folks get them for free...

  • 3650: It's Mellowing With Age (3/26/02)   C'mon, tell the truth-- last Sunday, on Mac OS X's first birthday, did it feel to you like the operating system was a whole year old? You'll notice that Apple, which has always found some way in which to celebrate the iMac's birthday for three years running, kept absolutely quiet about this Mac OS X milestone...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

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