You know what really makes a courtroom melodrama great? Nifty guest appearances. Why, back in its heyday, "Redmond Justice" used to entertain us daily with an endless parade of guest stars that made the antitrust case look better than daily back-to-back episodes of "The Love Boat" and "Fantasy Island." Nothing against Charo, of course, but "Redmond Justice" once had Avie Tevanian himself on the stand. Oh, and some guy named Bill Gates.

Actually, though, Bill's original guest spots on the show were limited to videotaped deposition footage-- albeit incredibly entertaining videotaped deposition footage. Perhaps you'll recall that Judge Jackson actually laughed at Bill's depo, which consisted mainly of heated arguments over the meanings of such mind-bendingly complex English words as "we." Making a stony-faced federal judge laugh in court? Clearly the boy has talent. So start stretching your giggle muscles, because faithful viewer Jeremiah Bornemann informs us that Bill's first real live appearance on the stand was apparently a hoot and a half. An Associated Press article paints some of the broader strokes, and shows Bill warming up the audience by claiming that if Microsoft is forced to port Office to other platforms and open up Internet Explorer, that would allow Gateway (yes, Gateway) to create its own clone of the Windows operating system. Yessirree, the man's in rare form this week!

Of course, his act wasn't all smiles, and if you're the type who's so obsessed with Macs that even a Bill Gates standup routine bores you to tears unless there's a direct connection to Apple in there somewhere, fear not; entertainment is at hand. Just check out the nasty threat that Bill made against Apple, as detailed in another Associated Press article brought to our attention by faithful viewer justin: "When Apple Computer chose a rival Web browser over Microsoft's, Gates called Apple's chief executive to ask him 'how we should announce the cancellation of' Microsoft's translation of the Office business suite for Apple's Macintosh computers." Eeeyowch! Evidently the guy's not always funny.

Probably the highlight for us, though, came in the form of yet another Associated Press story forwarded to us by faithful viewer Daniel Blanken, in which it's revealed that one of Chairman Bill's biggest concerns about the draconian penalties proposed by the holdout states is that they "would keep Microsoft from releasing timely security updates to its Windows operating system." Heaven forfend! Because lord knows how horrible a world it would be if Microsoft products were full of security holes, right? According to Bill, the proposed remedies wouldn't allow Microsoft "to recall or replace a version [of Windows] if a major security hole was found." "If" one is found? Stop it, you're killing us! So Bill's a standup comedian, too-- who knew? Is there no end to the man's talents? But, you know, that's why he gets paid the big bucks. Here's hoping he takes the stand again soon; he was lots funnier here than he was on "Frasier."