Whoa, where's the fire? During our hiatus last month, it came to light time and time again that various Apple executives were filing to sell significant amounts of AAPL stock over a relatively short period of time. According to Reuters, when all was said and done, executive veep Tim Cook, senior veeps Nancy Heinen and Sina Tamaddon, and CFO Fred Anderson had all filed with the SEC to sell off about a million shares of their company stock to the tune of about $25 million, leading to mass speculation that the four of them were raising the funds necessary to go in on a couple of Victoria's Secret "Heavenly Star" diamond-encrusted bras. And get this: the executive sell-off ain't over yet, because MacMinute reports that Avie Tevanian has just filed to dump 87,920 shares himself. The $2.1 million that'll raise is plenty enough for a couple of pairs of the matching $750,000 panties, with change left over.

But is that really what's going on? Now, some of you are maybe going to think that we here at AtAT are getting a wee bit paranoid these days just because we haven't slept since April. But we can assure you that when, for instance, we see giant bugs crawling all over the walls out of the corners of our sleep-deprived eyes, it's not a fatigue-induced hallucination, but a simple consequence of our shockingly abysmal housekeeping abilities and our unfortunate decision to use maple syrup as wallpaper paste when we redecorated a few months back. In other words, lack of sleep notwithstanding, we're sharp as tacks and our judgment remains crystal clear and unclouded. That said, we hereby present our studied and lucid analysis of the recent massive increase in stock-selling activity by Apple executives.

Here it is: they know something you don't. Namely, that Apple is spiralling madly out of control and once the word gets out, the company's going to crater so hard we're going to enter another Ice Age. Right now there's a massive coverup to keep things looking rosy from the outside, but behind the scenes, Apple has only four software developers left, and three of them are working on adding new clip art to AppleWorks. Jonathan Ive suffered massive head trauma in a bizarre gardening accident and has been proclaiming that the future of Apple hardware lies in "beige plastic and right angles." Each of the company's so-called "profits" of the past four years are the product of bookkeeping so dicey it would make Enron's accountants chew their own limbs off in abject horror. And to top it all off, Steve Jobs has become dangerously unhinged and occasionally thinks that he's an evil coatrack from a parallel dimension populated by murderous items of quality furniture. That's just not going to look good to Wall Street during next month's Stevenote.

If you have any AAPL in your portfolio, take our advice-- make like those Apple execs and sell it before it's too late. Sell, do you hear us? SELL!!! Actually, you're probably the type who likes to hear who your sources are before following any investment advice, so we'll tell you: we don't have any hard evidence of the above allegations, but they all came straight from the mouth of the giant pink salamander with the thick Jamaican accent sitting in the lawn chair on top of our fridge. A well-established link between sleep deprivation and psychosis? Hogwash! So, what-- you'd rather believe that all those Apple execs are selling their stock just to cover a tax bill or raise a little cash to buy a yacht or some obscenely bejeweled undergarments? Hey, believe what you want, Captain Gullible; it's your funeral. Now excuse us-- the salamander is demanding more onion rings.