Well, unfortunately it appears that so far, at least, there's precious little to report from the D: All Things Digital conference in terms of grievous bodily harm inflicted by and/or on speakers Steve Jobs and Bill Gates, as we had originally projected; apparently the Wall Street Journal did a fine job in keeping the two CEOs out of range of sight (and smell) of each other, damn the luck. Still, while we would have preferred some juicy excerpts from a blood-spattered police report smuggled out of the emergency room (there's just an innate poetry in the phrase "compound fracture"), we suppose a few tidbits on Apple's future direction straight from the Steve's mouth will have to suffice. Of course, by "straight from the Steve's mouth" we actually mean "allegedly said by Steve according to some guy at the PowerPage credited only as 'Apple Fan,'" but hey, it just doesn't get much more direct than that, right?

Anyway, there's news (such as it is), and that news is not all good-- at least, not to gossip hounds trying desperately to keep hope alive for certain long-standing rumors still clinging to life. For instance, Steve Jobs has now once again gone on the record to state in no uncertain terms that Apple is not working on a PDA. (That sound you just heard was the collective wail of a couple dozen remaining "Apple handheld" holdouts.) According to Steve, the company's research indicates "that people primarily want a small device which has copies of data already on their computer"-- hence, the Contacts/Calendar/Notes features in the latest iPod. Rather than spend time, money, and development resources on trying to break into the incredibly unfriendly PDA market (how unfriendly? Ask Palm's stock price, assuming you can get it to come out of its coma long enough to reply), Apple has instead decided to ensure that Macs can sync all that data with iPods and the latest mobile phones.

Yeah, but what about phones? Nope, Apple doesn't plan to market its own mobile phone, either. (That sound you just heard was the collective scream of the last few people still clinging to the iPhone rumors.) It seems that "existing phone makers are too good," and Apple wouldn't bring enough to the table to improve things much. Our advice? If you're so married to the idea of owning an Apple-branded mobile phone try this: since Apple's going to be supporting all the best new phones to hit the streets anyway, just buy the one you like best, slap an Apple sticker on it, and live firmly in denial. It's a perfectly valid lifestyle choice these days, and no longer anything to be ashamed of.

Ah, but what about the long-rumored color-LCD video/photo iPod? Nuh-uh. Steve says there's "not much of a market" for such a thing, so Apple isn't making one. (That sound you just heard was the microwave beeping. The "vPod" proponents are making popcorn, so they haven't heard the bad news yet.) The reasoning here is that the screen would be too small to be all that useful, so a 'Pod that can show iPhoto slideshows and iMovies is out-- mostly. While a unit with an integrated color LCD isn't in the cards "until someone invents a great folding screen," Steve is considering a "small device to drive a TV as the presentation vehicle." So, see, folks? At least there's something to cling to.