Ah, yes; when it comes to getting the best bang for the buck (AppleDrama™-wise, that is), the only thing better than a juicy new lawsuit to gawk at is, well, a juicy old lawsuit to gawk at. Preferably one that's been rehashed so many times it's starting to look like the Friday "Meat Dish Surprise" in a grade school cafeteria. So what better way to get your litigationalicious ya-yas out than by revisiting that crusty old classic of (da da da dummmmmmm!) Apple vs. Apple?

Sure, you know the old bedtime tale: in the early '80s, lawyers from the pre-existing Apple Records (the Beatles' label) started beating up on Apple Computer (not the Beatles' label) over the use of the name. Apple (our Apple) agreed to license the name from Apple (the other Apple) and promised never to go into the music business. Macs eventually gained 16-bit stereo sound and digital audio playback, so in the late '80s Apple (that Apple, not this Apple) came a-knockin' with a lawsuit. Apple (this Apple, not that Apple) eventually settled and paid $35 million to keep using the name without having to stop making sound-capable Macs. And they all lived happily ever after.

At least, until a couple of months ago when rumors flew that Apple (the One True Apple™) was thinking about buying Universal Music Group for $6 billion, and Apple (not the One True Apple™) threatened once again to sue if the deal went through. That buyout never materialized, but now MacDailyNews notes a piece over at Fox News claiming that "The Beatles... are gearing up for a fight," presumably over the iPod, the iTunes Music Store, the alleged impending deal with Amazon, and the various other ways in which Apple (Yay Apple Rah Rah Rah) is branching into the music biz-- ways which Apple (Big Meanies Boo Boo Boo) never sanctioned.

Now, you all know we're big fans of courtroom drama, but there's something about how this whole "getting sued by the Beatles" thing keeps biting Apple on the kiester every ten years or so that we find somewhat unsavory. So we're going to propose something radical: we suggest that Steve raid Apple's $4 billion-whatever war chest, grab however many fistfuls of cash totals, say, a cool billion or so, and throw it at the other Apple's lawyers and watch the ensuing feeding frenzy. In exchange for this billion dollars, the other Apple must agree 1) to yield all rights to the name "Apple" in any context whatsoever, and 2) to change its own name to "Stubborn Bastards Who Just Can't Let It Drop Records, Ltd." Deal?