Wow, if we had even the slightest doubt that Apple is shifting into overdrive to try to bolster its .Mac subscriptions, we sure don't anymore. We've already mentioned the pyramidal "we'll pay you to sign up your friends and relatives" scheme, in which the act of persuading your loved ones to part with $99.95 nets you a cool $19.99. If you're the persuasive type who can sell a can of moose repellent to a jungle-dwelling Orang Asli tribesman, we can envision that promotion causing a little strife between you and your cash-strapped circle of friends, but hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks; remember, there's only one Andrew Jackson, but you can always make new friends to exploit.

Anyway, on top of that, faithful viewer Dan Hamilton notes that Apple is offering a choice of renewal bonuses for members who stick it out for another year. Bonus Number One is a free copy of The Sims, that wacky people-simulator just perfect for megalomaniacal .Mac subscribers with God complexes who happen to enjoy "comic mischief," "mature sexual themes," and "mild violence." (And hey, who doesn't?) Or, if you're more the "addictive personality" type, why not opt for what's behind Door Number Two? Why, it's a free copy of NeverRest-- er, EverQuest, that massively-multiplayer online fantasy game that's wrecked more marriages than alcoholism and compulsive gambling combined! Fire it up and kiss your life goodbye!

Bonus Number Three? Twenty bucks. And you know our position on that. (Okay, technically it's twenty bucks off any Apple Store purchase of $20 or more, but that's close enough. Plus, you can earn AtAT Frequent Dumbass points by applying your $20 credit to a $49.95 purchase of either The Sims or EverQuest!)

But Apple's not just going after renewals, of course. MacMinute notes that Apple's "Every Mac Needs .Mac" promo, which offers $30 off a one-year .Mac subscription with the purchase of any new Macintosh, was originally supposed to expire last April; when April rolled around, Apple extended the deadline to the end of June. And now that June has come and gone, guess what? It's been extended once again to September 27th. Whew! We haven't seen that much pushing forward since Pizza Day in the junior high lunch line.

So, if you're not a .Mac subscriber, you should become one, and if you are one already, Apple wants you to become one again. Is it worth it, you ask? Well, it depends on whom you ask. But we have a sneaking suspicion that if Apple can't rake in as many subscribers as it wants to with all these promos, it'll take the "Every Mac Needs .Mac" slogan and make it terrifyingly literal. ".Mac: Now Allows Your Power Mac G5 To Start Up!"