Oh, the depths to which people will sink; we're actually a little queasy right now, to be perfectly honest. What kind of... of... heathen would desecrate the hallowed ground of an Apple retail store by committing a crime as base as theft? Those stores are, after all, the closest that Mac fans are going to get to retail heaven without first shuffling off this mortal coil, and the notion that some contemptible degenerates with no sense of reverence for the divine would actually steal the sacred relics from the temple, well, all we can say is that the transgressors will pay dearly for their blasphemy once the karma wheel swings back around and knocks them flat on their Mac-boosting buttocks.

Actually, having said that last bit about "Mac-boosting buttocks," we just got a mental image of somebody's hindquarters being used to raise a PowerBook to the proper height for use, which is just goofy enough to make us feel a smidge better. Butt Humor: Improving Moods Since Kindergarten!™

So here's what we're on about: Think Secret reported yesterday that Apple has a bit of a problem with shoplifting; a selection of five stores "averaged $26,000 in theft of portables and cameras in a three month period." Now, we're not entirely sure how to interpret that "averaged" part; it implies to us that each of the five stores lost an average of twenty-six grand's worth of merchandise in three months, but that can't be right, can it? We're going to assume based on context (and our wavering but intact belief that human beings just couldn't be that evil) that the loss totalled $26,000 for five stores in three months, because if that's really an average, Apple needs to consider hiring some sighted people to keep an eye on the doors.

Either way, the shrinkage is enough of a problem that Apple has reportedly seen fit to install new security cables on the merchandise in hopes of preventing it from wandering out the door sans receipt. Earlier this year, the company tested the new cables in the same five stores that had somehow lost twenty-six large in one quarter; reportedly those stores wound up losing a mere $568 in merchandise during the three-month test period, for an apparent 98% decrease in loss due to theft. So, great; sounds like Apple Retail just took one more step towards finally turning a profit. We're glad about that, although our hearts are still heavy knowing that Apple needed to resort to ugly cabling in order to keep people honest. For a company that pioneered the widespread use of wireless networking, it's a shame that those AirPort-boasting demo 'Books are now tethered down both by their power cords and by an antitheft device.

Of course, knowing Apple, this was just the inspiration the Cupertino geeks needed to stop screwing around with the rumored wireless mouse and keyboard and commence work on wireless security technology. We predict that within eighteen months, Apple will introduce a fully automated system whereby any item carried out of the store and not accompanied by valid proof of purchase will summarily blow off the perpetrator's hands at the wrists. So, uh, make sure you take your receipt.