Conspiracy alert! Conspiracy alert! We have a Code 3 in progress! You may recall our previous conspiracy theory regarding the state of x86 emulation on the Mac: Microsoft buys the only usable such product (Virtual PC) from Connectix, and then ties up the release of the only viable competing product (RealPC) in legal red tape by issuing a cease and desist letter, thusly gaining 100% control-- temporarily-- over Mac users who need to run Windows applications. Thereafter Microsoft would be free to pull all sorts of icky moves-- say, killing the product entirely, thus further barring the Mac from increased corporate use, or ending Mac Office development on the premise that Mac users can just run the Windows version in emulation. But it goes so much deeper than that. Strap yourselves to something heavy, 'cause this is going to be a veritable whirlwind of paranoia.

Point of fact number one: gosh, the current version of Microsoft Virtual PC doesn't seem to run on the Power Mac G5! What an "embarrassing oversight" (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more)! Mac OS Rumors has quoted confirmation "direct from a Microsoft Support Professional," claiming that "large portions of the VPC for Mac program must be rewritten and carefully tested to work properly on the G5 CPU." Golly gee whiz, that's a darn shame, because that means that G5 owners won't be able to run Virtual PC until "well into 2004," and when they finally can run it, they're going to find its performance somewhat lacking. The reason, claims Microsoft, is that Virtual PC relies on a feature of the G3 and G4 called "pseudo little-endian mode", which boosts emulation performance, but allegedly can't be invoked on the G5. So it's clearly not Microsoft's fault.

Convenient, hmmmm? Especially since Microsoft bought Virtual PC way back in February, and there's no way you're going to convince us that the company never had access to a G5 until yesterday. To think that Microsoft simply never tested Virtual PC on a G5 is inconceivable; they must have known about this "issue," and yet they said nothing. As a result, Mac users who had visions of their new dual 2.0 GHz Power Mac G5s running Virtual PC as fast as a real Wintel were... well, they were right, sort of: on a G5, Virtual PC runs just as fast as a Wintel that's not running at all, which we're told isn't an altogether unusual occurrence.

The upshot of all this is that, for a while, at least, Apple's blazingly-fast new Mac isn't even an option for customers who need Virtual PC access, and even when a G5-compatible version becomes available, Microsoft has a convenient excuse ready for it to run at a snail's pace, thus ensuring that, from a Windows application standpoint, the Mac never becomes a feasible replacement for an actual Wintel PC. Meanwhile, Virtual PC is still for sale, in boxes conspicuously lacking a label that reads "WARNING: PURCHASE OF THIS PRODUCT FOR USE ON A G5 PROCESSOR WILL MAKE ALL OF US BACK HERE IN REDMOND SMIRK AND DO ONE OF THOSE 'DR. EVIL'-STYLE OMINOUS LAUGHS."

But that's okay, because surely whatever legal hassles that Microsoft threw at FWB to stall the release of RealPC for Mac OS X can't keep it off store shelves forever, right? Well, buddy, that may well be true... but we're pretty sure that the product's utter nonexistence can keep it off the shelves indefinitely. Point of fact number two: as called to our attention by faithful viewer Jack Pattishall, Jr., RealPC is now ReallyDiscontinued, with FWB's new management claiming that the company's previous bigwigs totally misrepresented the progress of development; instead of being in "late beta," reportedly RealPC's"development had not formally been started," and in fact FWB claims it doesn't even have source code upon which to base a port. That little setback has made the project "unattractive," and as such, it's been summarily canned.

But here comes that ol' skepticism again; isn't it odd that any and all mention of the original Microsoft cease and desist letter that delayed the release of RealPC has mysteriously evaporated from FWB's site? Now, skepticism cuts both ways-- it's certainly possible that the previous management lied about the existence of the Microsoft legal threat, too, to cover up the fact that FWB's "late beta" product wasn't going to ship for a good long while. But if that were the case, we would expect that Microsoft would have publicly denied ever having sent the letter to FWB in the first place; it was public knowledge, after all, and somehow we suspect that lawyers don't take kindly to people lying about their activities.

So the other explanation is that Microsoft engineered this whole thing-- the recent court-ordered change of management at FWB, the fabrication of the "RealPC OS X is vaporware" story (a stroke of genius, we might add!), and the subsequent cancellation of an almost-shipping product, all as part of its master plan to make its temporary stranglehold on Windows emulation on the Mac into a permanent one. Has anyone checked the new FWB management's bank records for any unusually large deposits lately?

Hey, wait a minute... these aren't Thorazine, they're Tic-Tacs!...