As the Apple Turns: Scene 4231: The Seven Percent Solution (9/26/03)

The Seven Percent Solution (9/26/03)

Hey, you-- morose person. Why the long face, Horace? Still dwelling on Apple's market share numbers? Now, you know that's not good for you; why are you torturing yourself this way? No matter how many times you picture that neon floating "5%" (or 4%, or 3%, or whatever equally- or more-upsetting figure you happen to believe this week), it's just not going to look any happier, incessant comparisons to BMW's market share notwithstanding. This is a surefire downer of a game you're playing, here.

Or is it? Think Secret has IDC's final numbers for the second calendar quarter, and for once, Apple's market share might conceivably be something to smile about-- provided that you limit your scope appropriately. For example, if you look at Apple's share of worldwide desktop sales last quarter, you'll find yourself staring down a ninth-place finish of 2.3%, which is enough to make any self-respecting Mac user contemplate shuffling off this mortal coil with extreme prejudice-- despite the fact that it represents an increase from 2.0% the quarter before. This is exactly the sort of thing that keeps the Zoloft folks rolling in big piles of hundreds.

But if you instead look only at Apple's portable sales in the same quarter, and furthermore pretend that any country that isn't the U.S. doesn't count (which, if you're an American, is certainly second nature by now), something magical happens: Apple's market share shoots up to a mind-bending 7.0%. What's more, that's up almost two full points from 5.1% in the previous quarter, and represents a unit sales increase of a staggering 48%-- fully six times the average industry U.S. notebook sales growth, and the largest among all manufacturers. Holy cats, it really is Apple's "Year of the Notebook"! And here we always figured that Steve was just riffing when he said that because he'd lost his notes!

Think Secret's sources report that Apple execs are "ecstatic" with these latest numbers (all the numbers, apparently; then again, they're used to looking at teensy percentages all the time, so it's all a matter of perspective) and feel that when the Q3 sales results surface a few months from now, we'll see numbers "just as strong." Personally, we're mildly skeptical; while the advent of the long-awaited Power Mac G5 ought to goose the desktop numbers a smidge, we can't help wondering what'll happen to that unbelievably cool 7% notebook share given how long we all had to wait for new PowerBooks to make the scene.

Still, why dwell on the future? Apple market share obsessives finally have reason to live in the now, and the now is all about 7%, baby! Forget Zoloft; if Apple manages to hit 8% with its portables next quarter, somebody's going to be pumping us full of horse tranquilizers just to keep us from climbing the walls in manic delirium. Mood swings are tiring, aren't they?

SceneLink (4231)

And Now For A Word From Our Sponsors

Mash-ups and original music by AtAT's former Intern and Goddess-in-Training

The above scene was taken from the 9/26/03 episode:

September 26, 2003: Apple's market share is way, way up-- provided you're looking at the right numbers. Meanwhile, analysts predict that Apple will be among the first computer companies whose sales will benefit from an economic rebound, and it's official: bad-mouthing Microsoft (even on your own time) can get you fired so fast your head will spin...

Other scenes from that episode:

4232: Yeah, Get In Line, Buddy (9/26/03) So whaddaya think, is the economy finally getting better? The only reason we even consider the remote possibility is because the number of wild-eyed bank officials clinging desperately to our pants legs and begging us to take out a series of low-interest loans has dropped back into the single digits, and for one brief shining moment earlier in the week, the AtAT stock portfolio had actually edged into the black by six whole bucks!...
4233: They Have Ears Everywhere (9/26/03) It's Friday again, kids, and you know what that means: it's time once again for AtAT's End-O'-Week Dose-O'-Paranoia! Because honestly, what's a weekend without frequent nervous glances over your shoulder and that little seed of doubt burning a hole through the bottom of your stomach?...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...


	Like K-pop, but only know the popular stuff? Expand your horizons! Prim M recommends underrated K-pop tunes based on YOUR taste!


	DISCLAIMER: AtAT was not a news site any more than Inside Edition was a "real" news show. We made Dawson's Creek look like 60 Minutes. We engaged in rampant guesswork, wild speculation, and pure fabrication for the entertainment of our viewers. Sure, everything here was "inspired by actual events," but so was Amityville II: The Possession. So lighten up. Site best viewed with a sense of humor. AtAT is not responsible for lost or stolen articles. Keep hands inside car at all times. The drinking of beverages while watching AtAT is strongly discouraged; AtAT is not responsible for damage, discomfort, or staining caused by spit-takes or "nosers." Everything you see here that isn't attributed to other parties is copyright ©,1997-2024 J. Miller and may not be reproduced or rebroadcast without his explicit consent (or possibly the express written consent of Major League Baseball, but we doubt it).