Well, here's one nice thing about slow Apple news days: we can indulge in petty but timely Microsoft-bashing without feeling guilty about taking up airtime that should have been used for something vaguely on-topic. And the good news is, there's always something in the news about Microsoft that's just begging for ridicule. It's one of the few sure things in life, along with death, taxes, spam, and the occasional totally-sealed pistachio shell that can't be opened no matter how hard you try until you finally give up sobbing in frustration, shave your head, and join a cult that you think will love you for who you are despite your pistachio-opening deficiencies, but really just wants you to sign over the funds in your 401(k).

Right. Well, we seem to have wandered a bit, but hey, it's a slow news day, so it's okay.

Anyway, back to the omnipresent Microsoft ridicule thing. Don't believe us? Well, c'mon, let's take a spin through the day's tech news. Faithful viewer John Corso pointed out that TechWeb News reveals yet more security holes in Redmondware (five this time around, with three being ranked "critical," meaning "reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally bad"), several of which "let attackers remotely execute code on compromised machines." Note that this comes just a day or so after it came to light that Microsoft plans to market itself aggressively as way more secure than Linux because it fixes its bugs more quickly; not quickly enough, though, apparently, since Microsoft admits that "known exploits" of all three critical flaws have been posted all over the 'net.

A fluke, you say? Well, than how about some Monkeyboy Paw-in-Mouth for the second course? Faithful viewer Barton notes an interview with The Ballmer in AlwaysOn, in which he reveals that he's not content to claim Linux is merely less secure than Windows: now he's decided to claim that it's less innovative, as well. "I look at Linux and see a competitor, and I think we can offer better value than that competitor as long as we're pushing the innovation front, because the competitor is not innovating." And what sort of innovation in Windows is Ballmer talking up so strongly? Why, innovation in security, of course: "Linux hasn't blazed the trail, new approaches to security," he intones in complete sincerity. Although, you know, he's sort of got a point: we haven't heard of the Linux community doing anything nearly as innovative as shipping software loaded with security flaws and then offering a quarter of a million dollars in reward money to anyone who can catch the guys who write the viruses that exploit them.

Aaaaaand for dessert, something short and sweet: faithful viewer Andrew Norris noted a Reuters article which reports that Microsoft is dealing with antitrust charges in Europe by insisting that "it would be forced to offer European consumers a substandard version of Windows if the European Union makes it rewrite its operating system." First of all, way to threaten a continent, guys. And secondly, "substandard Windows"? Pardon us, but we have to go walk our "canine dog," feed our "feline cat," and then watch a "crappy UPN sitcom."