Want to know how you can tell we've officially entered the consumer frenzy known as the Holiday Shopping Season™, which encompasses both pre-occasion thematic sales and post-holiday clearances? Clue number 1: look at the calendar and note that it's after Easter. Clue number 2: look at the calendar again and note that it's more than a week before next Easter. Clue number 3: Apple has apparently instructed its marketing department to stop being so gosh-darned subtle about the iPod and really start cramming it down people's throats-- figuratively speaking, of course. Not that Apple is averse to cramming iPods down people's throats in a sharply literal sense; it's just that they haven't quite figured out how to get people to pay $299 while said cramming is underway. But rest assured, Steve's got top people working on it right now.

Ranking among the most visible of gloves-off iPod saturation techniques is yet another new iPod commercial, once more starring the crowd-pleasing and oh-so-mysterious silhouette dancers-- who are, incidentally, shaping up to be the most successful product of the Apple Underground Genetic Labs since Greg Joswiak. The commercial itself is the same old same old, except that this time a handful of the shadowy little rumpshakers are gettin' down and fun-kay to a remix of "Rock Star" by N.E.R.D. as viewers are directed to iTunes.com.

And yet a new commercial is just the tip of the iPod hypeberg. Faithful viewer Mmmbop - ba dooba dop - ba doobop ("must... kill... parents...") notes a new web site launched by Apple at iPodRocks.com, which shamelessly pimps the player out to impressionable youngsters as the hip thing for which to pester the parents come gift-getting time. The site makes such brazen suggestions as persuading Mom and Dad by pointing out that the iPod can "record voice notes for class" and "includes a built-in calendar that makes it harder to explain missing biology." Oh, and then there's this little gem: "Comes with iTunes, the only way to connect to the iTunes Music Store-- the amazing new (and legal) way to buy and download music." In other words, "buy me an iPod or I'll keep using KaZaA and the RIAA will sue you blind." If that doesn't boost iPod sales, we don't know what will.

Of course, Apple isn't just targeting teens and the mass market in general for iPod ownership; the company is also hoping that customers with existing iPods will trade up to newer models. To that end, Apple probably isn't planning to hype its new official battery service program too hard, because they'd obviously rather that you spend at least $299 on a new iPod than a mere $99 on getting your bum battery replaced. Nevertheless, if your old iPod's battery is a mere shadow of its former 10-hour self, for 99 clams you can send Apple your 'Pod and they'll send you back "functionally equivalent new, used, or refurbished iPod equipment." For that reason, MacRumors notes that "engraved iPods may simply have a longer turnaround." Well, duh-- can you imagine how labor-intensive it must be for Apple to dig through piles of reconditioned iPods looking for another one that's engraved "Congrats on the nose job, Eunice"?

But if your iPod has sentimental value (and really, whose doesn't?) and you simply can't bear the thought of Apple replacing it with some random refurb just so you can listen to music for longer than seven minutes at a stretch, you can always replace your 'Pod's battery yourself by picking up a new one at ipodbattery.com-- and for half Apple's price. You'll have to dig around in your iPod's guts, however, which may make some owners a tad uncomfortable.

Ah, the heck with it-- just buy a new iPod and be done with it. C'mon. You know you want to. All the cool kids are doing it. Besides, what else would you get yourself for the holidays, a sweater vest and some thermal socks? Not with Apple's marketing machine pumping away at full blast you won't. Resistance is useless.