We know what we'll be doing in a week: sleeping off the previous day's marathon consumption of about 16,000 calories' worth of foodstuffs, all of which belongs to one of two basic food groups: "carbohydrates" and "gravy." Personally, we've never understood those psychos who decide that the day after Thanksgiving is the perfect time to go early-morning Christmas shopping; "Let's see, I'm packed full of equal parts tryptophan and stuffing and can't move without groaning involuntarily. What a perfect time to wake up at 5 AM to wait in line at a mall for the privilege of jostling with other overfed, sleep-deprived, cranky consumers in hopes of getting 15% off a Hokey Pokey Elmo!" As if. We'll be splayed out somewhere hovering between hibernating and comatose, thank you very much.

Or will we? In what we consider to be the company's lowest blow since Phil Schiller went six rounds with De La Hoya before punching him in the crotch, Apple has announced its own day-after-Thanksgiving shopping event: the Apple Retail page declares that "someone you know loves music" (your suspicions have finally been confirmed: Apple is tapping your phone!) and insists that "you'll want to kick off your holiday shopping at the Apple Store." That's a bit of a stretch, we'd say, but apparently if we're able to shake off the calorie coma before closing time, we can drag our bloated forms to the nearest Apple retail store and behold "a scintillating array of gifts." Man, that is tempting; we don't think we've ever beheld a scintillating array of anything before, and frankly, that's no way to live.

What's more, Apple promises "a few surprises in store for you," which just might turn out to be a free private jet! After all, Apple has a history of giving those away, and with no further details available about the nature of said "surprises," why not hope for the best-case scenario? Then again, if you're not the schizophrenically optimistic type, the description of the surprises at MacRumors might be more your speed: Apple will reportedly be selling physical iTunes Music Store gift certificates and distributing free iTunes software CDs-- and you can get "10% off all music-related items including iPods, accessories, and software."

Okay, so it ain't a jet, but fifty smackers off the sticker price of a 40 GB iPod might be worth risking a burst stomach by going shopping before the recommended three-day post-Thanksgiving recovery period. If nothing else, that little "gift to yourself" will be something to listen to while you're waiting in the emergency room and trying to keep your insides from erupting forth from your abdominal cavity. Good times.