Given how late Friday's episode turned out to be, a fair number of you have written in wondering why we didn't address the issue of Michael Dell's latest round of gum-flapping to CNET. No, we weren't asleep at the wheel (or anywhere else, for that matter); faithful viewer Jeff Barbose was the first to inform us of the Dell interview early Friday morning, well in advance of the production loop that day, so by the time we'd even really started Friday's ep, we were well aware of Dell's assertion (as summarized so neatly by MacMinute) that his company spends roughly the same amount-- even more-- on research and development that Apple does. So why, you rightly ask, didn't that little tidbit make its way into Friday's plot?

Simple: we had absolutely no idea what to do with it.

Seriously, we just couldn't wrap our brains around the concept. Sure, we could have gone the easy route and characterized Dell's Apple-sized R&D budget as just another example of Mike obsessively trying to be like Steve, but that wouldn't have addressed the fundamental issue of just what the furry heck Dell is doing with that half-billion dollars every year. The man flat-out admits that he's happier (i.e. richer) being "pragmatic" than "revolutionary," and he makes his money the Walmart way: by using sheer bulk to get the lowest prices on ridiculous quantities of stuff, selling it cheaper than anyone else, and sending the competition spiralling into insolvency and madness.

In short, the man bolts cheap parts together to make cheap computers, slaps the Dell logo on other companies' products when it's not cost-effective to build things himself, and generally only innovates in areas of inventory control and cost structures. So what sort of research and development could possibly be chewing up half a billion smackers a year? This is the question that haunted us all weekend, and we knew you wouldn't be satisfied with a simple "Mike's insane and is just copying Steve again" scene. As a discriminating AtAT viewer, you're not here just to be entertained; you demand answers, and by gum, we're going to pretend to give them to you!

And that's when it hit us: sure, Dell spends half a billion on research and development every year-- and 98% of that is spent on ways to spy on Apple's research and development. Think about it: wireless camera equipment, long-range listening devices, bribes for high-level executives, cloaks of invisibility, remote viewers and psychic hotlines-- all of that takes some serious moolah. And really, how else is Mike going to stay exactly one step behind Apple technically, allowing him to stay twenty steps ahead financially?

"But AtAT," you ask aloud (much to the confusion of your coworkers), "what about the other 2%?" Ah, well, that was spent on Dell's one true innovation this year. See, the AtAT compound somehow wound up on Dell's mailing list (dream on, fellas), and when there's nothing good on TV, every once in a while we'll flip through a copy of the latest catalog just for giggles. The thing is, the last time we did that we think we spotted exactly what Dell probably spent ten million clams to develop on its own: an ingenious method of marketing laptops by comparing each model's weight to that of a gallon of milk.

True! There was a picture of a little milk jug (or part of one, or one and a half, etc.) next to each notebook, to demonstrate its relative weight compared to a quantity of dairy. Pour the illustrated amount of milk into a laptop bag, sling it over your shoulder, and you know exactly how heavy that Inspiron will be! We have to admit it, folks, it's hard to believe that Dell beat Apple to the punch on that one...