Welcome to 2004, everybuggy! Granted, we're already five days in, but we figured that half of you are just getting over your hangovers, and we also wanted to make sure we had broken all those pesky New Year's resolutions before we got back to full-on drama mode. Nothing puts a bigger cramp in your style than a intact resolution or six, especially during Expo week. We've only got one left to jettison, so bear with us for just a second, here...

"Buttocks."

Okay, so much for the "less crude" resolution; let's party! And party we shall, for the Stevenote is scant hours away, and what with Apple refusing to go slumming in a sorry dump like our own beloved Boston this summer, there's a little less Steve to go around this year-- so you should be sure and drink deep when he struts his stuff tomorrow. As usual, there are lots of ways to get your dose of Steve; the best, of course, is to be there in person, and if you're lucky enough to be Moscone-bound tomorrow morning, congratulations and we hate you. If, however, you're not quite that fortunate, don't worry, because there are plenty of other options for hapless feebs like us.

First of all, it's a new year, so any list of Stevenote access methods sans the fringiest of the fringe would be woefully incomplete. To that end, faithful viewer Andrew Wilkinson tells us that you can actually sign up at Macteens for live Stevenote updates via SMS, those little text message dealies that all the kids with the cell phones are crazy for these days with the hula hoops and the Bobby Sherman and all that other hep fad jazz. Macteens cautions that "this is an experimental service, untested and not tried before"-- but that didn't stop over 500 people from swarming to sign up, prompting the removal of the registration form, which will reappear tonight at 9 PM MST for only half an hour. Warm up that clickin' finger.

For a more traditional method (and one you can actually watch instead of read), there's the satellite broadcast; MacMinute has all those fiddly little details you dish nerds need to lock onto Steve's beaming visage tomorrow. Non-dish nerds have a couple of choices, here: either 1) find a dish nerd and bribe, threaten, pummel, or otherwise cajole him into letting you watch the Stevenote at his place, or 2) plan to descend upon your local Apple retail store and pack in to watch the show on the theater screen. The only catch with the latter option is that you need to make sure your local store actually has a theater screen (several of the newer and smaller stores don't), and even if you know for a cold hard fact that there is a screen down there, Apple still recommends that you "see your store for details" just to make sure the broadcast is happening. The last thing you need is to show up all primed for a Stevenote to find that the manager is actually screening old episodes of "Webster" instead.

If satellite isn't an option (or you just don't feel like leaving the house), there's always the QuickTime webcast. We got a little nervous when Apple's keynote page disappeared for a couple of weeks, but now it's back, so you can be pretty darn sure of grabbing a stream tomorrow morning. When the technology was in its infancy our experiences with keynote webcasts were spotty, to say the least (and frustrating as H-E-double-tennis-rackets to say slightly more), but for the past couple of years or so we've noticed a marked decrease in dropped connections, video with missing audio, audio with missing video, missing audio and video but a lovely still photo of a kitten on a dog's head, etc. In 2003 our webcast experiences were rock-solid, and with a little luck, maybe 2004 will be no different.

Watch out, though-- just because 2004 feels like 2003, that doesn't mean nothing has changed. For instance, you may or may not have been aware of one of the ultimate Stevenote viewing options available: the Apple Market Centers. These are the gorgeous facilities the company maintains in several larger cities here and there, typically used for product seminars, some training, that sort of thing. Historically, those in the know could show up to an Apple Market Center on Stevenote day and be treated to pristine satellite broadcasts while snuggled up in Apple's plush leather chairs, far from the madding crowd. Depending on which Center you attended and what was going on at the time, you might also have been provided complimentary sodas, hors d'oeuvres, manicures, Swedish massages, and, upon leaving, large sacks of cash. In other words, it was the next best thing to being at the Stevenote live-- in some ways better, since you'd actually be comfortable. Think SkyBox vs. bleachers; sure, you might lose a little of the immediacy of the in-your-face live performance, but hey, the seats are comfier and you can see and hear everything.

We can already hear the screams from those who have jealously guarded this secret for years: "Why are they telling everyone this?!" Relax, folks; we're not letting the cat out of the bag, because as of this year there's apparently no cat, no bag, and most upsetting of all, no large sacks of cash. Faithful viewer bRaD Weston informs us that the party's over; if savvy Mac fiends show up at their local Apple Market Centers tomorrow morning sans Apple employee badge, they'll be turned away at the door without so much as a fine Cuban cigar. Boo! Hiss! Guess it's time to pack into the nearest theater-having Apple retail store like the rest of us losers, guys, or maybe fire up QuickTime Player. But think of it this way: if you go the QuickTime route in your own home with the curtains drawn, you can watch the Stevenote naked. Without getting arrested or anything! And isn't that way better than getting a couple of free cans of Mountain Dew, French tips, and $3.2 million in a Swiss bank account?