Say, weren't the Grammy Awards last night or something? Did we miss a whole evening's worth of music we've never heard thumped out by performers we've never heard of, interspersed with extravagantly-dressed celebrities reading terrible dialogue directly off of cue cards and occasionally handing golden Victrolas to even more performers we've never heard of? Performers, we might add, who aren't us? Why, only one phrase comes to mind that can accurately convey our horror and deep sense of loss at having missed the show: "Gosh shucky darn."

Old and bitter? Us? Whatever gave you that idea? Just because we aren't rock stars with the fame and the money and the groupies and the M&Ms with all the brown ones picked out, that doesn't mean we want a Grammy. Why, if anything, we're only bitter that we weren't asked to present an award to said performers we've never heard of, for one reason and one reason only: loot.

Well, also because it would mean we were famous actors or something, which is pretty much like being a rock star only maybe without presorted M&Ms. So, two reasons. But mainly the loot.

You no doubt recall that a couple of years ago we mentioned that a super-great way to acquire a free iPod was to perform live at the 2002 Grammy Awards; that year, each performer received bags-o'-booty containing iPods alongside such other vital celebrity accoutrements as personalized bronze busts and diamond earrings. Well, according to an article in The Age from a couple of weeks back (which we never noticed until faithful viewer FrozenTundra informed us that MacMinute had linked to it), this year the 'Pods were reportedly back in the bags-- and this time around you didn't even have to perform to get one. (No, reading terrible jokes off of a teleprompter doesn't count as "performing." In so many ways.)

Yes, apparently this year even presenters rated free 'Pods, mixed in with a bunch of other ritzy stuff with a strangely health-and-fitness angle to it: "This year's Grammys basket is valued at more than $13,000 and includes gifts as mundane as whitening toothpaste and a one-year gym membership... laser eye-surgery and a two-night stay at a resort." And if you're thinking that $13,000 is exorbitant for a gift basket, don't forget that when the iPods first went into the performers' goodie bags two years ago, the reported value of the loot was $16,000. Adjusting for inflation, it's pretty clear that the presenters are actually getting cheaped out.

Whatever; to us it's all moot, because this is going to be one more year passing us by without any free celebrity awardPods. But hey, if they used to be given out only to performers, and now they're going to presenters, too, maybe in another year or six they'll trickle all the way down to people who tune in to the awards on TV. Of course, that would mean we'd actually have to watch it. Does TiVo count?

By the way, for those of you who did watch it-- were there boobies? 'Cause we're told that sort of thing is happening a lot these days.