Is it just us, or didn't Apple originally tell its third party resellers that the Apple retail stores would stay out of the service game completely? Because we're pretty sure that when the first few stores opened, when approached by customers who needed repair work done, the staff informed them that hardware service wasn't performed on the premises and even directed them to local Apple Specialists. Assuming we're not remembering some false memory that arose in a state of hallucinatory sleep deprivation, things have quite clearly changed a lot over the past couple of years, because these days it seems like the Apple retail stores can take your Mac into the back room and do just about anything to it short of rotating its tires and rebuilding its carburetor. And that, of course, is just one more reason for the third-party service providers to be miffed.

Well, folks, Apple isn't planning on ditching retail service anytime soon-- and, in fact, the company is allegedly poised to take things to an even higher level. AppleInsider reports that, as of April 1st, the joke is once again on the third-party resellers, because the Apple retail stores will gain yet another way to swipe as many customers as possible: a rebranded AppleCare service package that will come free with every Mac-- as long as it's purchased from an Apple retail store. Apple "Standard" service reportedly will consist of everything that is currently bundled in the "Mac Pac" service solution (which, seeing as we're woefully out of touch these days, we'd never even heard of), including in-store registration, installation of any additional RAM, AirPort cards, and purchased third-party software, Internet and AirPort Base Station set-up, connection and configuration of any peripherals, etc. And whereas Mac Pac used to be available only to purchasers who opted to buy an AppleCare Protection Plan with their new Macs, the new Standard service will apply to any Mac bought at an Apple retail store.

But wait, there's more: if you want an even higher level of service, you can opt for ProCare, a new package that, for $99 per year, gets you "a 'snazzy' Apple ProCare membership card imprinted with [a] personal ProCare membership number"! And as if that weren't enough, ProCare members get all sorts of nifty benefits, such as "Rapid Repair" services (cut in line and make the proles wait while your Mac gets fixed first), exclusive discounts, access to ""on-demand, free custom workshops and presentations," and-- best of all-- "Advance Genius Bar Reservations." So if there's a hottie Mac Genius working at your local store, it may be time to think about shelling out for ProCare, just so you can schedule reservations with "the Apple Store Genius of [your] choice" via any web browser. Why, it's the closest thing to a legal Internet booty call you're going to find. Well, at least in a retail sense.

By the way, in the spirit of making its retail stores into what Think Secret calls "the techno-equivalent of the neighborhood bar," reportedly Apple has also decided that advice should be free, and therefore plans to "eliminate the consultation fee" for talking with a Mac Genius." (Meanwhile, we didn't even know that Apple had started charging for Genius access in the first place. Hey, we said we were out of touch, didn't we?)

So there you have it: so much for no service at the Apple retail stores; now there's going to be so much service spilling out of there, your shoes will get soaked just walking past. And if Apple manages to advertise these new services so that Joe Average realizes that if he buys a Mac he's going to get personalized help configuring his system to work the way he wants it right out of the box without all that tedious fiddling around with software installations and network setup, the company stands a good chance of drawing a lot more attention from folks who might otherwise never give it a second thought. Provided Apple can survive the contract hits paid for by the third-party resellers, that is...