Much Ado About Squat (11/15/04)
SceneLink
 

Well, isn't this a fine pickle of a fish; here we thought that if only we could somehow squeeze just enough juice out of the flat, barren stone that was last week's batch of Apple-related non-happenings (honestly, if the news week had been any slower it'd have been traveling backwards in time), surely the following week would provide hot and cold running drama at the merest glance in every direction, right? Well, uh, no. Instead, we find the tap just as dry as it was last week, only now our stockpile of all-purpose space-padding witticisms is running dangerously low as well. If this drought keeps up and nothing interesting happens tout de suite, pretty soon all our scenes are going to consist entirely of a Steve-Ballmer-as-sweaty-ape-thing one-liner, the words "granted" and "truth be told," and some variant of the "something-y goodness" phrase construction.

Which, come to think of it, wouldn't be much different at all from every other scene we've ever produced over the course of the past seven years-- so hey, why not bring a list of alleged upcoming IBM processor numbers and specs into the plot? Sure, we usually try to avoid that sort of thing, because from the perspective of a drama-starved viewing audience, the jargony nature of someone rattling off part numbers and transistor counts is practically a one-way ticket on the express train to Snoozeville, but hey-- boredom's just another word for nothin' left to lose.

So away we go: faithful viewer frozen tundra hepped us to a recent Think Secret article which indicates that IBM's current bestest G5 processor, officially known as the PowerPC 970FX, will be followed sometime in the first half of 2005 by-- ready for this?-- the PowerPC 970GX, which, as its name so clearly implies, is a full letter better. Specifically, it'll ship "at speeds around 3 GHz" (thus finally fulfilling Steve Jobs's clock speed promise-- the "3 GHz" part, at least, not that "in one year" malarkey) and will come with a whopping 1 MB of L2 cache. That's twice the L2 cache of the 970FX; we hear an international holiday will be declared.

Still with us? If you are, that's pretty impressive, because we checked out about five minutes ago. Your attention span should be bronzed. Things do get better, though; apparently the 970GX will be a single-core version of the long-rumored two-two-two-chips-in-one dual-core 970MP processor, code-named "Antares." Of course, we've all been waiting for multi-core PowerPCs since Nixon was in short pants, and "expected availability of the 970MP remains unknown at this point," but it's still something to look forward to.

Oh, and speaking of chips in the "long-anticipated" category, PowerBook-friendly G5s (i.e. ones that suck down less power than the average toaster oven) are reportedly "in development at speeds between 1.6 GHz and 1.8 GHz," but there isn't even a vague release date mentioned, so "long" may well turn into "longer." If Apple intros new PowerBooks in January like the rumor mill says it will, the smart money's on a new G4 from Motorola-oops-we-mean-Freescale: the "almost-finished" PowerPC 7448, a 90-nanometer improvement of the current 7447A line that'll top 1.5 GHz and have twice the L2 cache. (Apparently doubling cache is all the rage with the kids these days. It's like Fonzie or something.)

Okay, so it's not exactly car-chase, shark-attack, running-away-from-a-fireball material, but we take what we can get. So keep dreaming about multi-core PowerBook G5s, and in the meantime we'll keep our fingers crossed for Apple-related sordid lawsuits, boardroom upheaval, and/or allegations of gross impropriety to rescue us from this chasm of nothingness. It's all happening any minute now, we swear.

 
SceneLink (5044)
And Now For A Word From Our Sponsors
 

Mash-ups and original music by AtAT's former Intern and Goddess-in-Training

Prim M at YouTube
 

The above scene was taken from the 11/15/04 episode:

November 15, 2004: Things are slow, but at least chips are getting faster. Meanwhile, an Apple patent application makes thrilling references to a wirelessly-transmitting iPod, and Microsoft gets busted for using pirated software to make its software...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 5045: AirTunes In Your Pocket (11/15/04)   All we can say is, Jobs bless the speed of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office-- or, rather, the glacial lack thereof, since it gives us "new" material which is actually stuff that happened a few years ago...

  • 5046: Do As We Say, Not As We Do (11/15/04)   Generally speaking, we're not crazy about the idea of extending Wildly Off-Topic Microsoft-Bashing Day outside of its rigidly-defined boundaries; we just feel that gratuitous smackdowns that otherwise have little to nothing to do with the subject matter at hand work best when apportioned out in regular doses...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

Vote Early, Vote Often!
Why did you tune in to this '90s relic of a soap opera?
Nostalgia is the next best thing to feeling alive
My name is Rip Van Winkle and I just woke up; what did I miss?
I'm trying to pretend the last 20 years never happened
I mean, if it worked for Friends, why not?
I came here looking for a receptacle in which to place the cremated remains of my deceased Java applets (think about it)

(1285 votes)
Apple store at Amazon

As an Amazon Associate, AtAT earns from qualifying purchases

DISCLAIMER: AtAT was not a news site any more than Inside Edition was a "real" news show. We made Dawson's Creek look like 60 Minutes. We engaged in rampant guesswork, wild speculation, and pure fabrication for the entertainment of our viewers. Sure, everything here was "inspired by actual events," but so was Amityville II: The Possession. So lighten up.

Site best viewed with a sense of humor. AtAT is not responsible for lost or stolen articles. Keep hands inside car at all times. The drinking of beverages while watching AtAT is strongly discouraged; AtAT is not responsible for damage, discomfort, or staining caused by spit-takes or "nosers."

Everything you see here that isn't attributed to other parties is copyright ©,1997-2024 J. Miller and may not be reproduced or rebroadcast without his explicit consent (or possibly the express written consent of Major League Baseball, but we doubt it).