Well, as pointed out by faithful viewer John Shere and reported by InfoWorld, the rumors about IBM came true-- at least, one of them did: Big Blue has indeed decided to bail out of the very personal computer business it pretty much established. Yes, we know that Apple ignited the personal computer revolution in the 1970s (how could we not? Apple reminds us at the bottom of every freakin' press release), but it was IBM that turned the PC into a mainstream business. And now suddenly IBM will no longer be making what we all used to call "IBM-compatibles," having agreed to dump that entire part of its business on China's biggest PC manufacturer, Lenovo. Weird, huh?

The rumor that didn't come true was all this stuff about IBM buying Apple-- nor will it, because as CNET reports, the contract between IBM and Lenovo explicitly contains a non-compete clause barring IBM or any of its subsidiaries from manufacturing or selling any personal computers whatsoever for a period of five years. And yes, they mean "personal computer" in the general sense, as in "any self-contained, programmable general-purpose computing device in a desktop, mobile, or tablet platform," not just Wintels. So buying Apple and selling Macs (or even just reselling Macs through an arrangement with Apple) is strictly verboten for the next half-decade; sorry, conspiracy fans. But there's an up side to this whole thing: at least now Apple's still ripe for that buyout by Disney that's been ready to go any day now for the past seven years. Just a little while longer, we can feel it!

And actually, there's another reason for Apple fans to hoot and holler: as faithful viewer baronreeftold noticed in a chart posted by BBC News, both IBM and Lenovo are currently bigger PC sellers than Apple. So with IBM transferring all of its sales to Lenovo and then exiting the market, that means that Apple will automatically be bumped up a notch in the ratings, from lowly tenth place into the far cozier and single-digit ninth. Woo-hoo! Say it with us, folks: "WE'RE NUMBER NINE! WE'RE NUMBER NINE!" Or, more accurately, "WE'LL BE NUMBER NINE FOLLOWING THE COMPLETION OF THE DEAL PENDING APPROVAL BY LENOVO'S SHAREHOLDERS AND REGULATORY AGENCIES PROVIDED THAT ANOTHER MANUFACTURER FROM ELEVENTH PLACE OR LOWER DOESN'T MANAGE TO OVERTAKE US IN THAT TIME FRAME!" (Ooh, catchy.)

Not enough to make up for the loss of your prized "IBM buys Apple" scenario? Well, don't lose hope just yet, because there's still a way to salvage that inspired bit of lunacy by grafting it onto another favorite crackpot conspiracy theory. See, while the Lenovo contract prevents IBM from selling PCs, it does allow the company to sell high-end servers and "compact mobile devices." IBM's already got the high-end server market covered with its own remaining product line-up, and if it still wants to buy Apple, there's a simple way to do so and still comply with the Lenovo contract: just ditch the Mac platform entirely, keep everyone's favorite "compact mobile device," and turn Apple into an iPod-only business. After all, plenty of undermedicated conspiracy theorists think that's the direction that Apple's headed already, so why the heck not? So go on-- dim the lights, put on some soft music, meld those two theories together, and have yourself a nice little paranoiac freak-out. It's fun for the whole family!