So we were all geared up for Wildly Off-Topic Microsoft-Bashing Day this week with a tirade against Redmond's propensity for lobbing clusters of tightly-packed lawyers at anyone who registered a domain name with at least four letters in common with "microsoft.com"; you probably recall, for example, how it tried to sit on Canadian teen Mike Rowe, whose web site was, appropriately enough, MikeRoweSoft.com, and who eventually caved and handed over the domain name when Microsoft gave him an Xbox and a chance to meet Bill Gates. Anyway, we decided against the whole domain name rant for three reasons. First of all, Apple is embroiled in a similar (albeit slightly less questionable) struggle, having targeted the fella who owns iTunes.co.uk. Second, Microsoft's domain-grabbing bully rampage has been thwarted, albeit temporarily, by a court's sensible ruling that the company has no legal grounds to demand "mocosoft.com" from that domain's owner. And third, we'd much rather rake muck about how Microsoft might soon charge its customers for anti-spyware protection.

That's right, kiddies: faithful viewer Darth Mac tipped us off to a BBC News article which mentions that "almost every Windows PC is infested with spyware programs." Well, okay, it's more like 90 percent-- but each infested PC carries, on average, 28 separate spyware programs "that do everything from bombard users with adverts to steal login data." But don't worry, Microsoft's not just letting its customers twist in the wind! On the contrary, it just announced its acquisition of Giant Company Software, a leading developer of anti-spyware tools. And best of all, once the takeover is complete, Microsoft plans to "release a toolkit that strips machines of the irritating programs." (By "irritating programs," we assume the Beeb is referring to spyware and not Microsoft's own applications and operating systems, but you're certainly excused if you were momentarily and understandably confused.)

So when it hits the streets in about a month's time, how much will this glorious toolkit cost? Well, that's the best part: it'll be "initially free"-- which, as any Microsoft spokesperson can tell you, is the best kind of free! Specifically, it's the type of free which says, "here, try using your personal computer without spyware for a little while, and see how nice it feels. That way, when we jack up the price later, you'll gladly fork over whatever dough we demand, just so you can continue your spyware-free computing experience without ever once questioning why you're paying us for software to remove spyware that our own operating system's Swiss-cheese-like security (or lack thereof) let through in the first place." Why, paying Microsoft more money to correct Microsoft's own shameful lack of security in products you've already paid for is the next best thing to not using Microsoft products at all!

To be perfectly fair, Microsoft hasn't yet decided to charge for the toolkit later, saying only that it's "still working out pricing and licensing issues" and "has not ruled out charging people who want to keep this toolkit up to date." Of course, considering that most spyware infestations are largely its fault in the first place, Microsoft should be offering its long-suffering customers the kit for free, with free updates, plus a lifetime subscription to the BBQ Sauce of the Month Club as an act of contrition. But somehow we're guessing that Microsoft doing "the right thing" is-- like a computing experience that doesn't make one want to shoot oneself-- a little too much for Windows users to hope for.