Help! Help! We're trapped in a time vortex! This is a Friday episode, but due to some strange wrinkle in the space-time continuum, it feels like... like Tuesday or something. Weird. Actually, though, it's not so bad; we're possessed by an odd sense of calm and an innate knowledge of which TV episodes to avoid well in advance of their air dates. So at least we've got that going for us.

Anyway, while we're in this time bubble, we may as well take a break from the action to catch up on Apple's retail plans for 2005. Though the Apple Store Nagoya Sakae launched just last month, we're pretty sure that, so far this year, Apple hasn't opened a single new store on U.S. soil. Don't worry, though-- that'll change, and probably not too far in the distant future. (Of course, we'll probably still be stuck here in the recent past, but don't worry about us-- we've got plenty of sandwiches on hand.) The ifo Apple Store reports that, in addition to whatever known locations just haven't gotten around to throwing a grand opening yet, five new sites have been confirmed on Apple's roster: The Florida Mall® in Orlando, Penn Square Mall in Oklahoma City (Apple's first store in OK); Garden State Plaza in Paramus, NJ; Northbrook Court in the swanky northwest suburbs of Chicago; and The Fashion Centre at Pentagon City in Arlington, VA.

Yes, Pentagon City. As in, practically across the street from the Pentagon, the headquarters of the U.S. Department of Defense. We know; steps in Apple's master plan to seize power from all major ruling governments, enslave the human race, and sell us all as tasty livestock to whichever intergalactic lizard species bids highest on eBay are usually a lot more subtle than this one. We can only assume that the end time is rapidly approaching, and we take some solace in the knowledge that, due to our current time vortex issues, we'll be eaten four or five days later than everyone else. Woo-hoo!!

The Northbrook Court mall, on the other hand, plays a far less pivotal role in Apple's plans for world domination, but is mildly significant to the AtAT staff in a personal sense primarily because Jack's stepfather Trucker Ed used to make deliveries there. The manager of the Disney Store repeatedly insisted (seriously, without a trace of irony) that all delivery personnel adopt the perky House o' Mouse attitude when dropping off merchandise there, and she practically had an aneurysm every time the recalcitrant Ed identified himself with the name of another random well-known serial killer.

Why is this significant, you ask? Well, it's not, really, except that we can't help noticing that the Disney Store is conspicuously absent from Northbrook Court's current store directory. For all we know, that location closed years ago, but it's interesting in light of the fact that Apple's retail expansion into the South Shore Plaza in Braintree, MA (where you, too, can drive by the houses where the New Kids on the Block grew up!) has reportedly been on hold until the adjacent Disney Store there finally shut down so Apple could swoop in, perform the necessary purifying rituals to cleanse the site of Michael Eisner's soul-sucking karmic influence, knock through a wall or two, and set about the massive construction necessary to incorporate the space into yet another Apple retail paradise on earth. So if the Disney Store in Northbrook Court recently shut its doors, you might now have a pretty good idea of where the new Apple store will go.

Anyway, so that's the latest on Apple's upcoming stores-- or, rather, it was the latest as of four days ago, but who's counting? Meanwhile, we don't suppose any of you could commandeer a tachyon field and send a few stock quotes and lottery numbers back here to us in the recent past, hmmmm? And maybe some mustard. We're out of mustard.