Attention, aspiring celebrity stalkers! Do you dream of the ignominy of being hauled bodily out of a star's house by local law enforcement officials while you tearfully beg said star to marry you and fulfill the destiny of a thousand past lifetimes? Of course you do-- who doesn't? But you probably aren't sure where to start, and unfortunately very few institutions of higher learning or Internet-based correspondence schools offer classes in stalking, so most are left to fend for themselves, progressing in fits and starts through the inefficient method of brute force trial and error. In terms of stalker education, we're still in the Dark Ages here.

Sadly, we can't really change that, what with the judge's decree never to seek accreditation again or assemble more than three people in a single physical location (and even then only under the watchful eye of our parole officer), but we can at least give you a handy little tip that may save you a lot of time in your efforts: when you're scoping out a celebrity to stalk, skip those loser "maps to the star's homes" and just hang out at a major metropolitan "flagship" Apple retail store until somebody famous stops in; apparently you won't have to wait very long. Faithful viewer Nick tipped us off to a WIRED article about celebrity Apple retail store sightings, and the guest list reads like a Golden Globes after-party or something.

Check it out-- the list of celebs who have been spotted shopping at Apple stores includes: Val Kilmer (who reportedly shops stoned), Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst (who always demands a discount), Melanie Griffith (who threw a hissy fit when the store she visited was out of pink iPod minis), Pink (who "shops with a posse of handlers"), Jerry O'Connell (who's about as tech-savvy as a steaming bowl of Campbell's cream of mushroom soup), LeVar Burton (who's more of a prima donna than you'd expect of a guy best known for wearing a chick's headband over his eyes), Robin Williams (who goes out of his way to expose himself), Kevin "Silent Bob" Smith (who's the grump who just wants his wife's PowerBook working again), and more more MORE.

Needless to say, if you hang out at one of the big city stores long enough (and Apple practically encourages you to loiter), eventually you're going to spot someone famous enough to follow home. Then it's just a quick sneak through an open window, and you're mere seconds from being Maced and beaten senseless by bodyguards while you attempt to shout out a marriage proposal through a mouth full of broken teeth. What could be easier? (But no, we won't post your bail.)

Meanwhile, this is probably an opportune moment to mention that AtAT broadcasts may get even spottier soon, since an employee of one particular Apple store informs us that no less a beacon in these dark times than ex-Buffy goddess Alyson Hannigan herself dropped in recently. While we're more than a little miffed that said employee didn't see fit to administer knockout drops and immediately ship Ms. Hannigan to the AtAT compound by express delivery (or even stall her long enough so we could catch the next flight in), we do appreciate the info, because now we plan to stake out that particular store 24-7 just in case the Vessel of Willowhood returns. After all, what choice do we have?