Surprise number two following our return to the earth's surface: sweet bees 'n' crackers, Apple's got one o' them thar media events slated for tomorrow. You know these things: Apple invites members of the press to some big, dark room and promises them a story so big it'll make the moon landing look like the three-day Sheboygan Clothespin Shortage of 1918. Not that we mean to make light of any of those poor Sheboygan residents who wore damp socks for half a week until FEMA finally showed up; we feel your pain, people. Or at least your sogginess. (And we're not blaming FEMA for a slow response, there, either, since we think they showed up pretty darn quick considering they didn't actually exist for another sixty years or so.)

We missed out on most of the pre-event wild-ass speculation, obviously, but as usual these days, most of it centered on the iPod. It seems that most of the more interesting stuff came out of AppleInsider, who last week predicted the advent of-- what else?-- a video-capable iPod. We're pleased to announce that, according to official tallies, the videoPod has now officially surpassed the Apple-branded PDA as the most-rumored future Apple product that company executives have repeatedly denied the existence of in public. (Doesn't mean it won't happen, though.) Meanwhile, only yesterday AI was talking about the possibility of a Madonna Special Edition iPod nano that will be, um, pink (good news for all who mourned the demise of the Hello Kitty-hued miniPod) and will allegedly come "preloaded with her entire music catalog." Sales will presumably depend heavily on whether or not said catalog can be deleted.

Think Secret, however, covers the more mundane (and, if history is any indication, probably more accurate) end of the spectrum. According to a report last Sunday, fifth-generation iPods will still be video-challenged, which comes as disappointing news to everyone who was looking forward to hacking a way to watch bootlegged episodes of Welcome Back, Kotter on a two-inch screen. (That includes us, by the way.) They will, however, boast "slightly smaller enclosures" available in both classic white (the new black) and nano black (the new white). They may also jump to 40 GB and 80 GB capacities while retaining their current $299 and $399 price points.

Whoa, there, Tex-- try to control your enthusiasm.

Assuming for a moment that video is still not in the cards, if these new 'Pods have any features more groundbreaking than minimally shrimpier form factors, the inevitable bigger disks, and an inverse color choice, we suppose we'll have to wait 'til tomorrow to find out just what those may be. Personally, we're still holding out hope that 5th-gen models will finally include an FM tuner-- not because we actually want to listen to the radio (eeeeeyyyeeeeewwwwww!!!), but because we suspect that if we take an FM-capable iPod and plug it into an iTrip or similar FM transmitter, we could simultaneously broadcast and receive on the same frequency, thus triggering a feedback loop that would let us travel through time. We swear the numbers work on paper.