Hey all you digital lifestyle fiends, fire up that clickin' finger: both iPhoto 2 and iMovie 3 are finally available for download from Apple's servers, either as standalone installers or by running Software Update. They were originally slated to appear last Saturday, but hey, better late than really late, we always say... at least, we say it on those rare occasions when we're only late, as opposed to those far more common scenarios in which we're really late-- which is when we say "better really late than asleep with the chickens." But, uh, it's possible we're overexplaining things a smidge; we're going to assume you probably catch our drift.

Most likely, you already know all about these newest versions of Apple's iApps from Steve's extended demos during the last Expo keynote, but just in case you were washing your hair that day (and you're somehow so incapacitated with ennui you can't even click over to the iPhoto and iMovie product pages), here's a quick rundown of the latest bells and whistles to get tossed on top of an already teetering pile. iMovie 3 includes greater control over music and sound (otherwise known as a "volume control"), the much-touted Ken Burns photo pan and zoom effect, new sound effects, "pro-quality video effects and titles" (whereas Final Cut Pro now boasts "actual pro-quality video effects and titles"), support for DVD chapter markers and one-click iDVD activation, and better integration with iTunes and iPhoto libraries. Meanwhile, iPhoto 2 gains a smart Enhance function, an allegedly magical Retouch tool, simple archiving of photos to CD or DVD, better email support, new printing templates, an improved keywords function, a trash can, and-- all together, now-- one-click iDVD activation and better integration with the iTunes library. Good stuff, one and all.

Interestingly enough, iMovie is actually at version 3.0.1, and there's already an iMovie 3.0.1 patch available for download, which "improves performance" over version 3.0. At first we figured that had to be some kind of record for issuing a bug-fix patch (3:00:00 PM PST: Apple makes iMovie 3.0 available for download. 3:00:04 PM PST: Apple issues iMovie 3.0.1 updater), and we were all set to crack all kinds of zany jokes to that effect, when we suddenly remembered that the iLife retail package (which includes iPhoto 2, iMovie 3, iDVD 3, and iTunes 3) has been shipping for a few days, now, and those discs were probably pressed with iMovie 3.0.

But then we realized just how incredibly boring and pedestrian that explanation is, and we just decided to ignore it and crack those zany jokes about the "quickest update in the West" anyway, but then we wound up overexplaining things again and pretty much beat the issue into a thin, soupy substance that best resembles that weird stain in the corner of your living room carpet. We've really got to learn to stop doing that. Anyway, if you bought the iLife set because you wanted the otherwise-unavailable iDVD 3 and/or you didn't feel like downloading 118 MB of data from Apple's probably-overloaded servers, check your version numbers and remember that iMovie 3.0.1 updater. At 804 KB, it's not going to melt your modem. Happy creating, folks.

Say, do you remember about a year ago when the press "somehow" got hold of an email message Bill Gates sent to his minions about how Microsoft was going to make "Trustworthy Computing" its top priority, and emphasize security over features in all development moving forward? Yeah, those were good times; nothing like a little raucous comedy to brighten up an otherwise dreary winter, right? Of course, at the time, once we'd wiped away the tears of mirth and walked off the cramps in our sides, we figured it'd be a nice gesture to give Microsoft the benefit of the doubt; after all, maybe nobody told them about worldwide catastrophic infestations of viruses such as Melissa, ILOVEYOU, Nimda, and the countless others that repeatedly bring the Windows world to its raw, scabby knees. But now that Bill had shown them the light, hey, maybe Microsoft would get its act together.

MMMMMMPPPPHHHHHBWAAAA-HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!! Hee hee... (snif) There, see what we mean about mirth in winter? Don't you feel much better now?

Anyway, it's just over a year later, and the biggest result of Mr. Bill's call to arms appears to be that whenever there's a virus outbreak exploiting some Microsoftian security flaw, a spokesperson for the Redmondites immediately denies ultimate responsibility. Usually he or she mentions that a patch for said vulnerability has been available for some time, and the company certainly can't help it if its customers aren't conscientious about researching and applying the latest security patches. Of course, we figure that staying on top of all these security flaws and plugging holes on otherwise stable production servers probably requires a sysadmin to spend about twenty-six hours a day just chasing down and applying patches, but heck, that's certainly not Microsoft's fault.

Well, prepare for a karmic smackdown of the most delicious kind. A Reuters article about how experts believe Microsoft's Trustworthy Computing initiative to be "failing" notes that, as usual, Microsoft places the blame for this past week's "SQL Slammer" worm outbreak squarely on the shoulders of the lazy, ignorant customers who could have eliminated their vulnerability to the attack if they had simply installed a patch that's been available since at least last June. Mmmm, makes sense, right? Except that among those lazy, ignorant customers that failed to install the patch was a certain large software concern headquartered in the U.S. Pacific Northwest whose name rhymes with "Squicrosoft." Yup, Microsoft itself has been forced to admit that it "should have done a better job" keeping its servers up to date; as it stands, the CTO of Counterpane Internet Security notes that "Microsoft was completely hosed" by Slammer for two days. Trustworthy Computing, indeed.

The way we see it, there are at least three really cool things to come out of this interesting little development. The first is the aforementioned winter mirth-- gotta love that mirth. The second is Microsoft being forced to admit that it has "egg on [its] face" (although, according to Reuters, at least Billy-Boy managed to avoid getting hit by a pie again). And the third is that at least one CTO out there is "thinking of switching from Windows to the Macintosh platform because of all the security issues." Do we sense a new tack to the Switch campaign brewing?

Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do! And by "Lucy," we mean "Steve." (Call it a term of endearment.) What's all this about Jack Osbourne walking around with a 40 GB iPod in his pocket? In case you haven't yet spotted it, Apple-X.net points out that in the "Behind The Scenes" video clips of that new Osbournes-Meet-The-Osmonds Pepsi Twist commercial (the one we're feverishly working on bringing back in time to show to Black Sabbath Ozzy, just to give him a glimpse into his future and then videotape his head caving in), there's a moment when Donny Osmond admits pangs of jealousy because while his own 'Pod is a 20 GB model, Jack's packs a 40 GB drive-- which is noteworthy in part because we'd have thought that any blood relative of "Suicide Solution" Ozzy coming within five feet of Donny's Pearly Whites of Goodness and Light™ would lead to the instantaneous collapse of the time-space continuum, but mostly because 40 GB iPods aren't available to mere mortals yet. (Pepsi's site hosts the incriminating video evidence in Real and WMP formats only, but Apple-X.net has an MPEG 4 for your QuickTimey consumption.)

Now, okay, take a moment to revel in the knowledge that both Donny Osmond and Jack Osbourne own iPods, which is the most convincing evidence we've yet encountered that Apple alone possesses the power to transcend all boundaries of age, taste, and ancestry, at least among pop culture personages hand-picked to peddle soft drinks to the masses. ("Do you want to sell sugar water for the rest of your life, or do you want a chance to jam to some Starland Vocal Band?") But once you're past that, ponder this fundamental injustice: Jack Osbourne has a pre-release 40 GB iPod and we don't. C'mon, Apple, how does one worm his way onto the A-list and get the goods before the plebs? Clearly it's not having the name "Jack," or we'd already be on there. Is it something to do with having a father who bites the heads off of bats? Because while we're reasonably sure we don't qualify yet, we're blessed with some pretty doting parents and we can make a call or two.

Of course, there's also the remote possibility that Donny Osmond is completely wrong about the size of Jack's 'Pod and it's actually just a run-of-the-mill 5, 10 or 20 GB model, but we consider that extremely unlikely, since we've no cause to doubt the technical prowess and know-how of anyone with that many teeth. Still, we mention it in the interest of investigative thoroughness and journalistic integrity. Well, actually, no, we have no investigative thoroughness or journalistic integrity-- we mention it in the interest of filling up another paragraph. But hey, close enough, right? (Four sentences and a parenthetical; woo-hoo!)

Anyway, though we're pretty hurt to have been left out of the loop like this, we suppose we're willing to forgive and forget-- provided we find a 40 GB iPod of our very own in the mailbox tomorrow, that is. (Yes, Steve, FedEx does Saturday delivery. Look it up.) But if we run into Pauly Shore down at the Trader Joe's and he's toting a pre-release video iPod with a color screen, Steve's off our Christmas card list for good.