Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do! And by "Lucy," we mean "Steve." (Call it a term of endearment.) What's all this about Jack Osbourne walking around with a 40 GB iPod in his pocket? In case you haven't yet spotted it, Apple-X.net points out that in the "Behind The Scenes" video clips of that new Osbournes-Meet-The-Osmonds Pepsi Twist commercial (the one we're feverishly working on bringing back in time to show to Black Sabbath Ozzy, just to give him a glimpse into his future and then videotape his head caving in), there's a moment when Donny Osmond admits pangs of jealousy because while his own 'Pod is a 20 GB model, Jack's packs a 40 GB drive-- which is noteworthy in part because we'd have thought that any blood relative of "Suicide Solution" Ozzy coming within five feet of Donny's Pearly Whites of Goodness and Light™ would lead to the instantaneous collapse of the time-space continuum, but mostly because 40 GB iPods aren't available to mere mortals yet. (Pepsi's site hosts the incriminating video evidence in Real and WMP formats only, but Apple-X.net has an MPEG 4 for your QuickTimey consumption.)

Now, okay, take a moment to revel in the knowledge that both Donny Osmond and Jack Osbourne own iPods, which is the most convincing evidence we've yet encountered that Apple alone possesses the power to transcend all boundaries of age, taste, and ancestry, at least among pop culture personages hand-picked to peddle soft drinks to the masses. ("Do you want to sell sugar water for the rest of your life, or do you want a chance to jam to some Starland Vocal Band?") But once you're past that, ponder this fundamental injustice: Jack Osbourne has a pre-release 40 GB iPod and we don't. C'mon, Apple, how does one worm his way onto the A-list and get the goods before the plebs? Clearly it's not having the name "Jack," or we'd already be on there. Is it something to do with having a father who bites the heads off of bats? Because while we're reasonably sure we don't qualify yet, we're blessed with some pretty doting parents and we can make a call or two.

Of course, there's also the remote possibility that Donny Osmond is completely wrong about the size of Jack's 'Pod and it's actually just a run-of-the-mill 5, 10 or 20 GB model, but we consider that extremely unlikely, since we've no cause to doubt the technical prowess and know-how of anyone with that many teeth. Still, we mention it in the interest of investigative thoroughness and journalistic integrity. Well, actually, no, we have no investigative thoroughness or journalistic integrity-- we mention it in the interest of filling up another paragraph. But hey, close enough, right? (Four sentences and a parenthetical; woo-hoo!)

Anyway, though we're pretty hurt to have been left out of the loop like this, we suppose we're willing to forgive and forget-- provided we find a 40 GB iPod of our very own in the mailbox tomorrow, that is. (Yes, Steve, FedEx does Saturday delivery. Look it up.) But if we run into Pauly Shore down at the Trader Joe's and he's toting a pre-release video iPod with a color screen, Steve's off our Christmas card list for good.