Poor, poor Apple... one can't help but feel sorry for a company who's had such a long string of poor retailer relationships. We really thought that Apple had turned the corner in late 1997, when it finally cut ties with all the store chains who treated Macs with a resounding lack of respect; after showing those clowns the door, Apple was ready to settle down and build a solid, healthy relationship. The result? About a year and a half ago, Apple and CompUSA tied the knot when they announced that CompUSA had become the sole nationwide retail outlet for Apple's products. Though things got off to a slightly shaky start, overall we got the impression that both companies were quite happy with their relationship.

But now rumors are flying that the honeymoon's over and the marriage is on the rocks. Interestingly enough, the current turbulence isn't due to Apple's recent attempts to form additional "partnerships" by reconciling with old flames Best Buy and Sears; CompUSA seems perfectly at ease with Apple's roving eye (perhaps in part because those "other guys" will only sell iMacs, while CompUSA gets the whole Apple enchilada). Instead, the rift reportedly stems from CompUSA's unwillingness to live up to its wedding vows. According to Apple Insider, CompUSA had promised to love, honor, and obey "a number of strict contract requirements" about how the Apple store-within-a-store is run. (Sounds like a pre-nup to us.) In particular, CompUSA agreed to have Apple-certified staff available in every store at all times-- and it's come to Apple's attention that plenty of CompUSA stores are not complying.

Earlier this month, fed up with the mockery being made of its relationship, Apple (in the personification of Steve Jobs) made it clear to CompUSA that it was time to shape up or ship out. The rumored deadline for 100% compliance is March 31st; Apple plans to pull all of its merchandise from any stores still not playing ball, and will withhold the delivery of all product until the situation is rectified. Holy Lysistrata, Batman! We're keeping our fingers crossed for a happy ending, but in this world there simply are no guarantees whenever Apple retailer relationships are concerned.

If we weren't already really excited about Pirates of Silicon Valley, we sure are now. For those of you just tuning in, we're talking about TNT's upcoming made-for-cable movie about Steve Jobs and Bill Gates; until now, we hadn't heard a whole lot about the focus of the project, other than the fact that it follows the destinies of the two wunderkind back when they forged their respective world-changing companies. Knowing only that (and, of course, the delectable casting choices of ER's Noah Wyle as Jobs and 80's geek extraordinaire Anthony Michael Hall as Gates) was still enough to get us psyched for the premiere in June.

However, thanks to an Associated Press article about the movie, now we know a bit more about what to expect-- and it sounds like a rollicking good time. We were originally a bit concerned that Pirates' recipe would contain a smidge too much documentary and not nearly enough soap opera. Not anymore; any movie that includes "a hippie Jobs tripping on acid spouting endless spiritual platitudes" and Gates "tripping over himself trying to meet women at a roller rink" is okay by us. Creator Martyn Burke wisely chose largely to ignore the facts about the history of Apple and Microsoft, instead focusing on what really matters: "the ambition, the greed, the envy, the cunning." Indeed, ignoring facts sounds absolutely central to the success of the project, to the degree that Burke actually forbade Wyle and Hall from meeting the real-life Jobs and Gates. One doesn't want those facts getting in the way of one's artistic vision.

So start organizing those TV parties for June 20th. Trust us: one day you'll be telling your grandchildren about the first time you saw Anthony Michael Hall as Bill Gates "unapologetically bashing Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen's car with a bulldozer." You'll thrill to Wyle's Jobs as he "berates a tie-wearing job applicant for looking like an IBM employee." And, for those of you who weren't in that Macworld Expo keynote audience booing away when Jobs announced Apple's new "partnership" with Microsoft in 1997, soon you can live the horror through the magic of trashy made-for-cable TV movies. Oh, our cup runneth over...

If, for some reason, you needed another reason to shake your head sadly and pity those poor souls who use Windows, look no further than the Melissa virus. You've undoubtedly heard about this thing; even though it only surfaced last Friday, it's spread so quickly that it's actually getting TV coverage. (When was the last time a computer virus warranted a story on the nightly news?) According to a CNET article, Melissa was released to the world via the alt.sex newsgroup just a few days ago, embedded in a Microsoft Word file called "list.doc" containing pornographic material. It just goes to show you that net sex isn't necessarily disease-free-- though Mac users are, at least for now, a little less likely to catch something icky.

Melissa's hot news because it's one of the quickest-spreading viruses in history. It spreads by emailing itself to random people in the address books of infected systems, and it also mutates quickly, making it tough to isolate. We've had about a kajillion people asking us if we Mac folk have to worry about Melissa, and the answer is a resounding "maybe." It breaks down like this: Melissa relies on Microsoft Word and Microsoft Outlook to do its thing, and since there's no Mac version of Outlook (not Outlook Express), Macs are basically impervious. However, that doesn't mean you can't receive the virus in an email attachment and unknowingly pass it on to others.

To learn more about the Mac-specific ramifications of Melissa (or, actually, any virus), we recommend that you keep an eye on MacFixit. And remember: just because Melissa doesn't affect us directly, don't assume that your Mac is virus-proof. Remember the Autostart Worm? The Mac platform as a whole may exhibit a relatively minuscule level of viral activity, but those little beasties are out there, and there may be new ones springing up every day, so practice safe surfing and stay alert. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

Addendum: Quick-typing faithful viewers Chris Stone, Paul Constantine, Gordon Mulcaster, and Eric Walton all pointed out within minutes of this episode's broadcast that there is a Mac version of Outlook, which comes with Exchange Server. However, Microsoft is apparently dropping support for it and recommending that everyone (surprise!) move to Windows. MacFixit still notes no instances whereby the virus has been spread via Mac Outlook, though they have one report of the virus infecting Word 98 via Outlook so that future documents will also be infected.