Well, it's official-- ever since word started to spread about the latest crackpot link between Macs and Satan, we started tallying the email messages, and we are now proud to report that all six billion members of the human race are now accounted for. Yes, folks, every single man, woman, and child on the planet has now emailed us to tell us about Dr. Richard Paley's bizarre screed, including tiny little babies who mastered the intricacies of language in mere minutes just to be able to warn us, and primitive tribes in the deepest jungles who fashioned twigs and vines into crude computers and telecommunications systems just so they could inform us of one man's insane rant about how Apple is turning us all into blind followers of "Godless Darwinism and Communism." (By the way, we should mention that faithful viewer Sarah Bombich led the charge, beating all those babies and primitive tribesmen to the punch.)

So what's the deal, here? Well, quite simply, after spending a few paragraphs warming up by attacking both PBS and Pokémon for spreading the "anti-Christian junk" known as the theory of evolution, Crazy Dick launches into what we can only describe as a crack nightmare gone off the tracks: he essentially argues that "Apple Computers" (which we can only assume is somehow affiliated with "Apple Computer," but we admit that we lack access to the good doctor's "extensive research library," so we're having trouble nailing down the exact connection) is "a cult" that was "founded by long haired hippies" that are "aligning themselves with the forces of darkness." (It's footnoted, by the way, so you know it's true.)

By way of solid, incontestable proof that Apple promotes "Godless Darwinism and Communism" (yeah, we know we quoted it before, but it's just way too fun a phrase to use only once), Doc Paley hauls out the Big List of Naughty Deeds: Apple's first computer cost $666 ("Need we say more?"); Macs have been used by evolutionist Richard Dawkins, which makes them the tools of the devil; and Steve Jobs keeps telling people to "think different," which clearly means to "think different than our Christian upbringing, to reject all the values that we have been taught and to heed not the message of the Lord Jesus Christ"-- but that was too long to fit on the t-shirts, we guess. Oh, and there's the fact that "hypnotically encased iMacs trick unsuspecting computer users into accepting Darwinism." Ohhhh, so that's what Flower Power was for! Still, no mention of the fact that Macs were the computers of choice for the Church of Satan's webmaster? Doc, Doc, Doc... apparently that "extensive research library" ain't got all the answers. Catch a little AtAT once in a while-- you just might learn something.

But, interestingly enough, Bug-Eyed Daley's real beef with Apple mostly boils down to Mac OS X and its UNIX underpinnings. The operating system's core is called Darwin (which clearly means that "new Macs are based on Darwinism!"); Darwin is open source, "which is just another name for Communism"; and Mac OS X's BSD layer has, as its mascot, a cute cartoon devil, lets you type the number "666" after the command "chmod" (it also lets you type any other three digits between 0 and 7, but that's beside the point), and runs "daemons" in the background-- "hardly something a good Christian would want!" Damn straight, Doc-- and we're real proud of the way you pulled those disparate facts about a couple of operating systems together and logically concluded that "not only is Macintosh based on Darwinism, but Darwinism is based on Satanism." That is the deftest syllogism we've been privileged to witness since the witch trial scene in Holy Grail.

Now, we don't mind telling you that we spent the better part of nine straight hours trying really hard to see this as a joke (you know, the intentional kind), or perhaps as the new URL for Crazy Apple Rumors Site. But as far as we can tell, this guy is actually serious-- which means you should study his photo, and if you see him on the street, avoid eye contact and back away slowly. There's no telling what he might do once someone informs him that, as faithful viewer Lars Schou happened to notice, his penetrating insights into how UNIX is the work of Satan and open source is Communism just happen to be sitting on a Linux server. The phrases "clock tower" and "high-powered rifle" come to mind. It's probably safest just to stay indoors and condemn your immortal souls to everlasting hellfire by screwing around on your Macs. (Warning: if we understand Doc Paley's logic correctly, playing 4x4 Evolution 2 on it will get you tossed in the lake of extra-hot fire.)

[Addendum: Nah, we changed our minds-- it's gotta be a joke, because otherwise we're never going to be able to sleep ever again. Well played, clerks...]

So you say you're sick of "Dell Copies Apple" stories? Heck, so are we; after all, if you think it's bad hearing the same basic story thirty times a year, just imagine what it's like to tell it over and over again. Luckily, sometimes we get a nice little variation on the theme-- like when, say, Gateway copies Apple instead. Ahhh... it's like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. Can't you just feel the refreshment?

That's not to say that we haven't incorporated "Gateway Copies Apple" elements into AtAT's plot before, of course, particularly on the portable end; the company's had iBook copycats and Pismo lookalikes, but it's been a while since we've delved into that particular cliché. So when faithful viewer AJM pointed out a Forbes article about how The Cow hopes to claw (er, hoof) its way out of the hole in which it finds itself by introducing a "new look" that makes its systems "prettier, shinier, sleeker, and more like the sets on Star Trek: Voyager," well, you can't blame us for getting a little suspicious.

Indeed, while a quick peek over at Gateway's pages revealed what looked to us to be a treasure trove of not-unexpected TiBooky goodness (they call it a "sleek platinum look"), we're not the only ones who spotted the similarity. Forbes was kind enough to concur, noting that Gateway's last-ditch effort to sell a few more machines before spiralling into the abyss has resulted in notebooks that, "with their shiny, futuristic look, bear a passing resemblance to the Titanium G4 laptops released by Apple Computer." Released over fifteen months ago, we might add. But that's Gateway: over a year late, but moving fast.

Meanwhile, if you took a lot of guff from Gateway fans back in 1997 or thereabouts because Apple was "going out of business," feel free to call them up and gloat unattractively; not only is Gateway still copying Apple's designs, but the company is also now losing money (while Apple's making a profit) and shipping fewer systems than Apple is. No joke; Apple says it sold 813,000 Macs last quarter, while Gateway only shipped 645,000 cowboxes. Of course, there's the fact that Apple's 813,000 Macs were sold worldwide, while Gateway's 645,000 number is for U.S. sales only-- but considering that Gateway pretty much shut down its overseas operations last August and claims that it's "no longer actively selling its products" in the UK, Australia, Japan, etc., we figure those 645,000 domestic systems basically do represent the company's total units sold worldwide.

In other words, yes, Apple appears to be kicking Gateway's flank steaks up one wall and down the other. Yeah, who's beleaguered now, punk?

Just a quickie, here, folks; you know how Uncle Steve is always so fond of comparing Apple's under-5% market share to BMW's slice of the automobile pie? (Mmmmmm... automobile pie...) Basically, his argument is that BMW only makes one out of every twenty cars sold, but the company serves a respectable niche market, cranks out some great products, and makes a healthy profit-- which is why people should stop obsessing about Apple's single-digit market share and just feel good about the company's continuing profitability and growing cash stockpile. (He's got a point, but we'd feel a lot better about the analogy if BMWs used different fuel than every other car on the road, and if that fuel were still available at every gas station. Software, anyone?)

Anyway, if you always thought it was just a handy analogy that Steve keeps on hand for use during CNBC interviews, faithful viewer Rune is here to set you straight. As it turns out, there's a deep and fundamental connection between Apple and BMW-- a connection whose threads are only now starting to reveal themselves. Ladies and gentlemen, allow us to introduce what is evidently the first fruit of a top secret Apple-BMW collaboration: the iDrive Controller.

The iDrive appears in BMW's 7 Series vehicles and appears to be a Jonathan Ive-esque metal dial in the center console that serves as the input device for controlling the car's "comfort features." Interestingly enough, it sounds a bit like an iPod's scroll wheel on steroids; instead of just audibly "clicking" as menu items are scrolled on the in-dash screen, the iDrive actually has a tactile feedback system so that you feel the clicks as you advance through the menus. To choose the selected item, you push the iDrive down after twisting it to scroll. It sounds elegant. Simple. Apple.

Now, we're sure that, if asked, both BMW and Apple would deny any sort of cooperative effort on the iDrive. But honestly, doesn't the name itself give the game away? Subtle it ain't, folks. Which means that, before long, we wouldn't be at all surprised if the Series 8 turns out to be a Series VIII, and that it'll feature a full Mac OS X desktop splayed across the widescreen windshield in heads-up display mode. The only tricky bit is, where do you stick the mouse pad?