Fan mail? Sure, we get fan mail! Mostly it's by newcomers who aren't yet aware of the fact that writing to us is potentially an act of utter futility, what with our unread message count having reached 5,125 and all, but every once in a while we'll be contacted by an AtAT newbie who proceeds to gush embarrassingly all over our inbox-- which gets messy, sure, but it's still pretty cool. Often these bright-eyed young'uns ask the same basic questions: "How is it that your material seems so effervescent and insane?" "When the heck do you sleep?" And "what's with the major animosity towards Michael Dell?" Grizzled veterans of AtAT's early days are well aware that the answers are "we don't sleep," "see answer to question #1," and "because, way back in '97 when you were all just wee lads and lassies, Mr. Dell made a lame crack to the press about shutting Apple down and giving the money back to the shareholders."

That was six and a half years ago, and yet we still hold a grudge-- mostly because we're good at it, but also because Dell's a pretty easy target given his total lack of imagination in any context outside of How To Buy Cheaper Screws™ and his apparent psychotic obsession with copying Steve Jobs's every move. Plus, we still get really irked when publications like USA TODAY interview him (thanks to faithful viewer Paul Detzler for the tip) and refer to him as "the man who revolutionized the PC business by listening to customers rather than competitors." It's actually pretty true, though; while lots of average shmoes get all dewy-eyed when gazing at those purty lil' Macs that keep popping up on all of their favorite TV shows, when it comes to laying out any actual cash, the market demands cheap, crappy Wintel dreck at the lowest conceivable sticker price-- and Dell is more than happy to provide it.

Well, okay, maybe it's not that bad (cougheMachinescough), and Mikey has clearly at least taken a lesson or two in the art of tact, because he's much nicer to Apple when speaking to the media these days. When asked about the resurgence of the company he once proposed shutting down, he had this to say: "If you go look at where jet engines are designed, for example, you might be curious to note that more than half are designed on Dell computers. What Apple has done is build the Bang & Olufsen of the computer industry-- very nice products, but they've priced themselves out of the mainstream market."

Now, apart from rendering us utterly terrified ever to set foot on any jet aircraft again, that statement also makes it clear that whatever antipsychotic medication Mike's on these days is messing a bit with his logic registers, because even with our chronic sleep deprivation (which tends to make even David Lynch movies seem to make perfect sense), we're hard pressed to see why he apparently defines the "mainstream market" as "the guys who design jet engines." But hey, admitting that Apple makes "very nice products" is a definite step up from proposing that One Infinite Loop be boarded up for good.

Then again, you have to wonder just how up front Mikey is being, here; after all, this is a guy who's been known to lie to the press in the past, and if Apple's products are all too expensive for the mainstream market, why is the iPod still selling like gangbusters? Granted, he was talking about computers, not music players, but we don't think it's too far off the mark to ask why Dell felt compelled to slash the prices on its own copycat MP3 players earlier this week, as reported by Reuters. Sure, one analyst (without citing any numbers) says that the players have "done well" and "this is not a fire sale," but no one cuts prices by 20% if the product is selling well already. Sounds like Mikey's learning that cheaper doesn't always win.

Well, so much for the home court advantage. (Court. Get it? Never mind.) You know, of course, that Apple is being sued by the other Apple, the record label owned by the former Beatles and their kin, because our Apple allegedly violated the terms of an agreement that it would keep its mitts out of the music business. You may also have known that our Apple was trying to get the proceedings moved across the pond, from Merry Olde England to the sunnier climes of California. The proposal had to be approved by judges in both jurisdictions, and about a week and a half ago Macworld UK reported that a California judge said that, yes, since the Beatles have "filed against Apple Computer in California three times in the past," it was "immensely reasonable" of Apple to defend itself on its home turf-- although we suspect that the judge just wants a couple of autographs and a snapshot with his arms around Paul and Ringo.

Sadly, however, the change of venue was not to be; faithful viewer mrmgraphics forwarded us a Reuters article which reports that a London judge "struck down Apple's request to have the case heard by California courts." That presumably means that Apple's lawyers are going to be spending a lot more time suspended several miles up over the Atlantic than most people can reasonably be expected to endure. On the bright side, though, they're probably going to reap the bittersweet reward of a ton of frequent flyer miles before this whole mess is hammered out.

Then again, we're not entirely sure that keeping the trial in London is all that major a setback. For one thing, Apple clearly has local counsel in the U.K. (no American lawyer could get away with using the phrases "I'm delighted to hear that," "we would perhaps have sent you one," and "if that would not have been improper" without getting beaten about the head and shoulders), so it's not like Apple's lawyers would be flying to Heathrow and back every other day. And don't forget, the London judge in the case has admitted that he's an iPod owner, so you have to figure that it's in his best interest to allow Apple to proceed with development-- at least until the iTunes Music Store makes it to Europe. So the judge may well be skewed slightly in Apple's favor. Woo-hoo!

Unless, of course, his iPod's nonreplaceable battery lasted only 18 months and he's therefore itching either to videotape himself committing petty acts of vandalism, or to smack down the company who made the thing with a big, fat ruling for the plaintiffs. Hmmmmm... was this the same judge who just nixed Apple's motion to get the trial moved back to California? Because if so, it sounds like he may, despite his iPod ownership, be acting (shudder) in a fair and impartial manner. Drat the luck, eh? But don't worry; from our understanding, English courtroom drama isn't much different than our own, except there's the added entertainment value of some people wearing those goofy white wigs. So that's a bonus for us, anyway.

Gee, for some unfathomable reason, the topic of "sleep" seems to be hovering prominently in our brains a lot these days. What do you suppose that's all about? Seriously, we could use some input; we'd ponder it ourselves, except we seem to keep blacking out for some reason, completely without warning.

We're not getting enough rest, you say? Hogwash! Unless someone can demonstrate a clear and incontestable causal link between lack of sleep and, well, sleep, clearly our preoccupation with Snoozeville and our occasional uncontrollable lapses into inky oblivion are an empathic response to whatever weirdness is afflicting a bunch of Apple's portables these days. According to MacFixIt, after they described a certain "unexpected sleep phenomenon" last week, they've gotten a "tremendous" response from "hundreds of afflicted readers" who are suffering the same symptoms. Or, rather, their PowerBooks and iBooks are suffering the symptoms; the users are merely suffering their portables' suffering the symptoms.

It makes perfect sense if you think about it. We promise.

Anyway, it seems that "virtually all Apple portables" running Mac OS X 10.3 (known in zoological circles as "Panther") can be hit by whatever this bizarre form of technonarcolepsy may be; what happens is that their owners are merrily Mac-ing away, when suddenly the 'Books simply "fall asleep without warning." Since that behavior sounds remarkably similar to our own sudden involuntary plunges into a near-comatose state, we have to assume there's a connection. MacFixIt doesn't mention any other symptoms, and our own Panther-running 'Books are fine with the whole continued wakefulness thing, so in case any of you folks have portables suffering this problem, we have to ask-- are they yawning a lot? Because if they are, that would be another link right there.

Oh, wait-- we're just digging through the minutiae of the report now, and it looks like the problem is tied to Panther's lousy granularity at determining remaining battery life; what seems to be happening is that Panther thinks there's 20 or 30 minutes' worth of juice left, but then the estimated life remaining drops off a cliff (even if the actual life remaining is still good) right past the "your battery is low on power, so find a wall socket, Sparky" warnings and clear into let's-sleep-this-puppy-immediately territory. We can't be sure, of course, but we don't think that's what's happening to us; as far as we can tell, our brains aren't even running Panther, and while we've checked about as thoroughly as we'd like, we haven't actually located our own battery compartments yet-- which leads us to consider the alarming possibility that we may not even have any. If that's the case, it's going to be pretty inconvenient having to stay plugged into a wall all the time.

Regardless, like we said, our own sudden blackouts must be some sort of psychosomatic empathic response to the 'Book epidemic. Here's hoping that Apple issues a fix in 10.3.4 sometime soon, so that we can go 37 hours without sleep sans the uncontrollable blackouts. You know-- like normal people.