Okay, the Stevenote has finally come and gone-- you can exhale now. And since there wasn't a webcast and we didn't make the little jaunt to Paris (we would have, you understand, but we've got an electrician coming today, and if you cancel on those guys they ram a screwdriver right up your fusebox) we haven't absorbed even the faintest background levels of Reality Distortion Field energy, so we're feeling uncustomarily objective about the whole thing. Just based on the reports we're seeing floating hither and thither through the ether, however, to us the biggest surprise seems to be the dearth of jaw-dropping surprises. Actually, never mind jaw-dropping; to be honest, we'd have settled for jaw-loosening, jaw-slackening, or even jaw-ever-so-slightly-unclenching.

Basically, none of the rumors that could be categorized as even vaguely "fringe" came to pass. There was no iPod Special Edition, no bevy of iPod peripherals, no announcement that Panther will ship any earlier than "by the end of the year," no announcement that iTunes for Windows will either, no launch of the iTunes Music Store for Europe, and, perhaps most disappointingly of all, no Disney-branded Mac OS X running on Intel-based Mac tablet video iPod mobile phones demoed onstage by Jimmy Hoffa and Elvis. Sometimes we wonder why we even bother getting up in the morning.

What we got instead was (shudder) what everyone realistically expected. The good news, of course, is that the one rumor that really mattered did, in fact, turn out to be true: Motorola evidently finally managed to squeeze out a reasonable yield of PowerPC 7457s, because new PowerBooks are here! And all three models were updated! According to Apple's press release, the 12-inch model got a bump to 1 GHz, a boost to an nVIDIA GeForce FX Go 5200 graphics subsystem, a lift to 256 MB of onboard RAM, a hike to USB 2.0, and a hoist to mini-DVI video out. The 17-incher received a $300 price cut even as it got pumped up to 1.33 GHz; it's also got new ATI Radeon 9600 graphics, USB 2.0, and an 80 GB hard drive.

The big change, though, came with the 15-inch PowerBook, which has finally shed its titanium shell and emerged looking just like the aluminum 17-incher's little brother. (It also gained .1 inch of thickness and .2 ounces of weight. Time to lay off the Yodels?) It's now got a 1.25 GHz G4 and the gamut of new stuff, e.g. USB 2.0, Bluetooth, AirPort Extreme, yadda yadda yadda. Oh, and the ultra cool automatic backlit keyboard-- which, sadly, didn't make it into the 12-incher, so we suppose we're not replacing the AtAT Pismo just yet.

In our opinion, though, this is a solid update, all in all, and unless you were so self-deluded that you were somehow expecting a dual 3.0 GHz PowerBook G5 with integrated spear gun and cloaking device, you probably find these specs just about right in line with the rumor mill's expectations. Which means that if you're disappointed, Apple's only sin was not living up to the insane demands of the irrational voices in your head. (How dare they!) If you're in the market for a spiffy new laptop, 15- and 17-inch PowerBooks are available immediately, and the 12-inchers will follow next month. Scattered reports indicate that at least some Apple retail stores even have the new 15-inchers in stock. Wait, so "available today" actually means "available today? Okay, see, now that qualifies as a bona fide surprise.

Not that it was a total snooze-fest or anything, but one of the only surprises the Stevenote did hold in store was the advent of new wireless input devices-- and we're not even remotely sure that it technically counts as a "surprise," since the "what" (namely, the Bluetooth-based Apple Wireless Keyboard and Apple Wireless Mouse) was hinted at/flat-out revealed ages ago in numerous instances by Apple itself. Only the "when" was up in the air, and given the amount of support for the new devices added to Panther throughout its developer seeds, most of us expected Apple to hold off on shipping the new wireless beasties at least until Mac OS X 10.3 was available. Some rumors even claimed they were slated for a January ship date.

Well, Panther's still got at least a month left to simmer before Apple calls it soup, and unless our snazzy new Rockwood calendar (profound thanks to faithful viewer David Dennis!) is woefully inaccurate, it ain't January yet-- but the wireless keyboard and mouse are here nonetheless. Yes, they use Bluetooth-- apparently with something called "Adaptive Frequency Hopping" (sounds painful), which the press release insists "eliminates interference between Bluetooth devices and other wireless networks and devices." The devices even encrypt your keystrokes and mouse clicks so they can't be intercepted wirelessly and used to reconstruct your passwords, the URLs of your favorite (ahem) "entertainment" sites, or the middle name that is your secret shame. (Don't worry, your secret's safe with us, "Fulbright.")

We remain skeptical about the practical applications of this technology, however. According to Apple, "the first time you use this wireless keyboard, you'll realize just how much freedom it offers you." Well, we'll see, but given that our Power Mac is stationary on a desk that's stationary and connected to a display that's, you guessed it, stationary, we're having a difficult time understanding why it's so important to have a keyboard that's not. Apple's enthusiastic insistence that we can use the wireless keyboard while "standing" and positioning it "on a pile of books" strikes us as one of the most bizarre bits of marketing copy we've ever encountered. On the other hand, customers being able to use their wireless keyboard and mouse "up to thirty feet" from their Macs ought to do wonders for Apple's sizeable demographic among the extremely farsighted, who previously either needed to undergo extensive and painful arm-lengthening surgery, or... um... buy a longer USB cable. But these are wireless!

With a PowerBook things are a little different, granted, and we here at the AtAT compound did briefly entertain the notion of Velcroing an Apple Wireless Keyboard to the AtATmobile's steering wheel so that we could get at least a little production done at stoplights during our hour-long daily commute. We soon abandoned the idea as potentially too dangerous and, more importantly, far too close to demonstrating an actual work ethic.

Plus, to use these things, you have to trade in the inconvenience of cables for the inconvenience of changing batteries. Okay, okay, fine, two AA batteries in the mouse are supposed to last for three months and four in the keyboard allegedly last for nine, but eventually those batteries will need changing, and probably at the most inopportune moments. Plus, battery life is even shorter if you forget to turn your keyboard and mouse off. Turning your keyboard and mouse off? Yeeks, we don't even turn our Macs off; talk about something that might take a little getting used to. Oh, and does this mean that wireless input devices-- alongside the stove, the oven, and the faucet-- have now joined the pantheon of Road Trip Derailment Objects? "Harry, turn the car around-- I think I left the keyboard on!" (Hey, at least Apple was nice enough to include a set of Energizers. They keep going, and going, and going...)

Sounds like we're down on it all, doesn't it? Well, we're not. Odds are, we'll take 'em for a test drive at some Apple retail store, fall in love, and blow a wad of cash on a pair or three, just 'cause they're neat. Oh, and about that mouse: it "has a single button that makes it easy and comfortable to use," so those of you still holding out hope that Apple's going to chuck that particular Mac trademark out the window are going to be waiting a little longer. On the plus side, the click-sensitivity wheel from the original Pro Mouse is back. It's just too bad they're only available in white...

Okay, enough with the Stevenote for now; there was way too much buildup of that thing over the course of the past few weeks, and frankly, we're glad it's over. We'll probably come back to it once we get to see the show itself (assuming Apple posts a QuickTime stream), but for now, we're just glad that we can move on to other things. Like speeches by other Steves. Howlier Steves. Steves with a far more uncanny resemblance to Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein.

That's right, kiddies, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer recently addressed the Churchill Club in Santa Clara, and according to CNET, his focus was on how his company is under attack by "thieves, con artists, terrorists and hackers"-- which is, by the way, the nicest thing he's ever said about us. But the love-in doesn't stop there; Ballmer also had a bunch of nice things to say about some folks in Cupertino you might have heard of: "Apple is doing some good, innovative work." In particular, he's got high praise for AirPort: "It's easy to forget how truly groundbreaking this technology was."

Awwww, that's so sweet! We were all wrong about the guy! Isn't it great that he can publicly compliment his company's largest outside R&D team like that? (By the way, on what must be a completely unrelated note, CNET also reports that Microsoft has just updated its line of wireless networking products to include 802.11g support-- you know, the stuff that Apple's been using since January. Ain't coincidence grand?) Well, now that we know that Ballmer gave props to Apple in public, we're going to have to be a lot nicer to him. That's right, from now on, no more Ballmer jokes. No more speculation about the nature of his particular species, no more gratuitous links to embarrassing video footage (well, except that one, of course), no more subtle references to Piltdown Man and the like. Ballmer is officially A-OK in our book.

Later on during his talk, Ballmer noted that "Apple doesn't appear to be stealing much of the computer market from Windows-based rivals" and said "I don't see their basic position in the market changing."

Hmmmm.

Now, see, the old AtAT would have made some sort of disparaging remark, probably alluding either to Ballmer's perceived ape-like qualities or his apparently glandular perspiration issue. But we've reformed. So, we repeat: Ballmer noted that "Apple doesn't appear to be stealing much of the computer market from Windows-based rivals" and said "I don't see their basic position in the market changing."

That's because the guy lacks the evolved brain capacity to see anything past his next banana and his hourly dose of Right Guard.

(Hey, we tried.)