D'oh!! Apple may have snapped up Jeff Goldblum to push the iMac, but Intel has signed an arguably more recognizable star to shill for its Pentium II processors. According to an Intel press release, on November 8th the world will see Homer Simpson receive a brain transplant of sorts; his infamously-subpar cerebrum will be surgically replaced with a Pentium II, transforming him from a loveable dimbulb into a brainiac college professor. Okay, sure, millions of people saw Jeff Goldblum save the earth from big nasty aliens by using a PowerBook, and millions more listened to him spout chaos theory while big nasty dinosaurs feasted on human flesh-- the man is famous, to be sure. We just don't think he's a permanent pop culture icon that's embedded in the national consciousness the way that Homer Simpson is. After all, when was the last time you saw Jeff Goldblum on a bootleg t-shirt?

Now, it's obvious why Intel had to sign an animated character to receive this "upgrade:" transplanting a Pentium II into a real human head presents some logistical problems, as faithful viewer Todd Wheeler points out. First of all, those of you who have actually seen a Pentium II have probably realized that it wouldn't fit inside an average human cranium. While the G3 processor is about the size of a fingernail, the Pentium II is roughly the size of, say, a Newton MessagePad-- and we all know just how dainty those were, right? (Now that you know this, you have a sense of just how big that snail was in that Think Different ad-- it was a rare and aptly-named Guatemalan Terrier-Sized Snail.) Now, even if they could find a human head large enough to accommodate The World's Largest Processor™, there's also the issue of heat dissipation. Again, the G3 consumes a tiny amount of power, whereas a Pentium II reaches temperatures of approximately 350°-- so the first time you plugged the poor guy in, you'd soon be greeted by a worrisome sizzling sound and the smell of searing flesh. Mmmmmm, searing flesh. So Homer's the right match for the operation, to be sure.

Anyway, it's a bummer that America's favorite animated dumb guy won't be pushing iMacs, but there's no use crying over spilt animator's ink. Intel's Homer ads may not do much for Apple's sales, but they'll probably entertain the living heck out of us. The operation is scheduled to take place during the season premiere of the X-Files, so you can be sure we'll be tuned in. It will almost certainly beat anything Intel's ever done with those damn dancing bunnymen, and this time Intel may get the "dumb guy" commercial right; remember those ones they had featuring Jason Alexander in a very George Costanza-like role? The message there seemed to be, "Pentium-- the Chip for Complete Losers." Apparently their ad people have done a little more thinking since then.

Of course, just because Homer Simpson has signed with Intel doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of other recognizable animated entities available to endorse Apple products. We at AtAT are thinking that Apple should look beyond the television sphere and go for a slight variation on that demographic. And there's a great opportunity we'd hate to see them let slip by: O'Grady's PowerPage has photographic evidence that shows Lara Croft (the nimble star of the enormously popularTomb Raider series of video games) using a PowerBook.

So if she's a Mac fan, why not sign Lara Croft to push PowerBooks? She'd be a great spokesperson-- she's smart, strong, independent (well, except for that little issue about how she does everything that adolescent boys tell her to do), and the epitome of the "Road Warrior" computer user. Heck, if a PowerBook's good enough for Lara as she backflips her lithesome way across three continents, or whatever, it should definitely be good enough for your average suited business traveler-- who may not have to take on Bengal tigers and giant spiders, but who has to contend with such perils as the Dreaded Canceled Flight and the Missing Car Rental Reservation. When you're armed with a PowerBook, nothing can stop you, right?

Then again, given Apple's amazing knack to get its products showcased in just about every summer blockbuster movie ever to come out of Hollywood in the last few years, the odds are pretty good that the live-action Lara (rumored to be played by Elizabeth Hurley of "Austin Powers" fame) will be fully Mac-equipped when the movie hits theaters next summer. At least, let's hope so.

Hooray, the conspiracy theories continue! Just a few days ago in "Redmond Justice," it became clear that Microsoft was developing a penchant for paranoia and unlikely plots against their success. At that time, Microsoft's lawyer John Warden claimed that the Justice Department had been deliberately suppressing evidence in an attempt to bring down the software company. He looked even more paranoid when he put forth his theory that the infamous June 1995 meeting that is such a crux in this case was in fact a "setup" planned by Netscape and the government in an elaborate attempt to entrap Microsoft into committing illegal antitrust activities.

We hoped it wasn't a one-time thing, and now we know it wasn't. According to reports, the latest conspiracy theory from Warden proposes that America Online "conspired with Netscape to drive [Microsoft] out of business." That's right, he apparently claimed in court that AOL and Netscape were in cahoots to shut Microsoft out of the Internet business entirely. An Associated Press article has some delicious details. As evidence, Warden produced several email messages which he interprets to indicate that AOL and Netscape planned to divide the market for Internet software; AOL would handle the consumer segment, Netscape would handle the server market, and Microsoft would, well, shrivel and die or something.

We love where this is going; so far every witness that the government has produced is a representative of a company that Microsoft has claimed belongs to a conspiracy to drive them out of business. Which means that since Apple software wünderkind Avie Tevanian is due to take the stand shortly, we're just itching to hear who conspired with Apple to kill Microsoft. Sun, perhaps? Or maybe it'll be a bigger surprise, like Adobe? It might be a little while before we find out, however, as next up on Redmond Justice appears to be Bill Gates' big videotaped head. Stay tuned...