D'oh!! Apple may have snapped up Jeff Goldblum to push the iMac, but Intel has signed an arguably more recognizable star to shill for its Pentium II processors. According to an Intel press release, on November 8th the world will see Homer Simpson receive a brain transplant of sorts; his infamously-subpar cerebrum will be surgically replaced with a Pentium II, transforming him from a loveable dimbulb into a brainiac college professor. Okay, sure, millions of people saw Jeff Goldblum save the earth from big nasty aliens by using a PowerBook, and millions more listened to him spout chaos theory while big nasty dinosaurs feasted on human flesh-- the man is famous, to be sure. We just don't think he's a permanent pop culture icon that's embedded in the national consciousness the way that Homer Simpson is. After all, when was the last time you saw Jeff Goldblum on a bootleg t-shirt?

Now, it's obvious why Intel had to sign an animated character to receive this "upgrade:" transplanting a Pentium II into a real human head presents some logistical problems, as faithful viewer Todd Wheeler points out. First of all, those of you who have actually seen a Pentium II have probably realized that it wouldn't fit inside an average human cranium. While the G3 processor is about the size of a fingernail, the Pentium II is roughly the size of, say, a Newton MessagePad-- and we all know just how dainty those were, right? (Now that you know this, you have a sense of just how big that snail was in that Think Different ad-- it was a rare and aptly-named Guatemalan Terrier-Sized Snail.) Now, even if they could find a human head large enough to accommodate The World's Largest Processor™, there's also the issue of heat dissipation. Again, the G3 consumes a tiny amount of power, whereas a Pentium II reaches temperatures of approximately 350°-- so the first time you plugged the poor guy in, you'd soon be greeted by a worrisome sizzling sound and the smell of searing flesh. Mmmmmm, searing flesh. So Homer's the right match for the operation, to be sure.

Anyway, it's a bummer that America's favorite animated dumb guy won't be pushing iMacs, but there's no use crying over spilt animator's ink. Intel's Homer ads may not do much for Apple's sales, but they'll probably entertain the living heck out of us. The operation is scheduled to take place during the season premiere of the X-Files, so you can be sure we'll be tuned in. It will almost certainly beat anything Intel's ever done with those damn dancing bunnymen, and this time Intel may get the "dumb guy" commercial right; remember those ones they had featuring Jason Alexander in a very George Costanza-like role? The message there seemed to be, "Pentium-- the Chip for Complete Losers." Apparently their ad people have done a little more thinking since then.