When Apple announced that the new iMacs had an easy-access door that made RAM upgrades a simple and painless procedure, did you roll your eyes heavenward and wonder what all the fuss was about? Were you the one who once gleefully flipped your Bondi Blue iMac face-down and surgically removed its polycarbonate shell without so much as a tinge of anxiety? And did you then replace the preinstalled RAM SO-DIMM in the iMac's infamous "bottom slot" with a smile on your face and nary a flutter of nerves, scoffing at the recommendation that said operation only be performed by an "Apple-certified technician"? Hmmmm... sounds like you've got the right stuff for the job.

See, while the Mac may be "the computer for the rest of us" who aren't particularly thrilled with the prospect of digging around in the guts of our computers, the fact is, some of us like that kind of stuff. It's a Wintel-propagated myth that all Mac users are computer novices who'd faint at the sight of a bare processor slot. So if you're the one everybody calls when their Macs and PowerBooks fail to boot, crash when printing, need more RAM, frown and get X's for eyes, or emit acrid smoke following a short stint in the microwave, maybe you've wondered just what it takes to become one of those stalwart and fearless Apple-certified technicians. Well, good news: now all it takes is a $299 order at the Apple Store.

Yes, it's the debut of Apple's new AppleCare Technician Training program, a set of CD-ROMs in a box that can mold your raw, untamed aptitude for Mac repair into a refined and tutored set of skills worthy of bearing the Apple logo. You get Apple's own diagnostic software, "valuable reference materials," and everything you need to prepare for that final hurdle-- the AppleCare Service Certification Exam. What they don't mention up front is that you'll have to shell out another unspecified amount to take the exam at "any convenient Sylvan Prometric testing center," and you'll have to pass before you get Apple's seal of approval to start poking around in other people's Macs without voiding their warranties. But hey, $299 is a small price to pay to join the elite corps of certified repair technicians. Provided the exam fee isn't too much, that is.

We figured we'd indulge our inquisitive nature and follow up on this a bit more. We poked around Sylvan Prometric's web site and found that while there are indeed several testing centers nearby, we couldn't for the life of us find any information about pricing. Eventually we called the toll-free number provided to register for Apple exams: (888) APL-EXAM. An extensive recorded message announced that the formerly-separate Mac and PowerBook exams have been merged. When we finally got hold of a real live human, she professed utter ignorance of the new AppleCare Technician Training program, and getting her to tell us how much the standard tests cost was like pulling teeth with a pair of tweezers and a nutpick. Finally she admitted that the LaserWriter and Mac/PowerBook exams cost a mere $125 apiece-- a bargain, if you ask us. But the woman on the phone claimed that in a week, the Mac/PowerBook exam was being split into two separate tests again; evidently the combination listed in the recording didn't work out. And did we mention that, according to the recording, the tests are "provided in a DOS/Windows environment," whatever the heck that means? We find ourselves still unclear on whether these exams are taken at a testing center or in one's home. We assume that navigating this baffling ordeal is all part of the exam-- the endurance and patience section, perhaps?

Apparently Apple's highly-paid team of coverup artists are slipping a bit these days; perhaps the excitement over the Lone Gunmen getting their own spin-off has thrown them off their game or something. Sure, longtime conspiracy theorists like ourselves are well aware of the fact that Apple's hatching something big in the political arena, but we sure didn't expect to find references to that top-secret plan in an Associated Press article. Somebody needs to tighten up the lips surrounding this scheme, or the whole covert operation will collapse before its sinister gears grind into full motion.

Luckily, not too much appears to have been given away. The loose lips in question belong to Margita Thompson, a spokeswoman for the George W. Bush campaign in California. When talking to reporters about brother Jeb's visit to the west coast, she let slip that the Florida governor wasn't just there to raise Republican cash for his sibling with the Presidential aspirations; Jeb was also planning to conduct "official Florida business" with Apple Computer. While she thankfully gave no clarification what that official business was, we wish she'd covered up her slip with a quick-minded lie about a contract for purchasing Macs for public schools or something. As it stands, the whole world is left to wonder about just what that "official Florida business" might be.

And if you're waiting for us to tell you just what the nature of that business is, don't hold your breath. We don't plan on risking covert retaliation from Apple's goon squad by telling you one word about Apple's ongoing extortion racket. Imagine, thinking we'd tell you anything about Apple's secret threat to submerge Florida by manipulating the fault lines with seismic technology recently perfected in Apple's labs. Yeah, right. Like we'd say anything about last year's abundance of earthquake disasters being accidental side-effects of the testing of said technology. As if. And we sure couldn't tell you anything about Jeb Bush being coerced by Steve Jobs into being Apple's inside man on the Bush campaign, for the express purpose of pulling the strings if and when Dubya gets inaugurated. You think we'd reveal all that just for the sake of entertainment? We happen to value our lives, you know. So figure it out for yourselves. Excuse us, there's someone at the door...

It's scoop time! Everyone on earth is waiting for Pismo, the next PowerBook. Plenty of folks are expecting an iBook revision, too, expecting a Graphite model with DVD. And more than a few are still holding out hope that faster and/or multiprocessor Power Mac G4 systems are just around the corner. The details of all of those product updates may or may not be true, but we can tell you this much: the next iMac is coming much sooner than you'd think. And contrary to popular rumor, the next model does not boast a seventeen-inch screen.

Don't get us wrong-- the 17" iMac is definitely in development, and will surface soon enough. But before then, the next big thing in iMacs is small. While developing the 17" iMac, the folks at Apple were struck by how much larger and heavier the iMac's rounded Graphite case had to become. Since a small footprint was such an integral part of the original spirit of the iMac, Apple's decided to move in the other direction. Therefore, the next iMac will have a paradigm-breaking nine-inch screen. Also, to make better use of desk space, this new unit (code-named "OUTATIME") has a square base, and ditches the iMac's traditional rounded curves for space-efficient right angles. Jobs deemed the entirely clear plastics a bit too drab, and reinstated the older rainbow Apple logo as a splash of color-- the rainbow against a field of grey, like in the original "Think Different" ads. Oh, and the CD/DVD-ROM drive has been replaced with a single 3.5" floppy drive, since it's a writeable device and therefore can be used for quick and easy local file backups-- something that no previous iMac could do right out of the box. Want to see a picture? Check it now, because it may not be up for long, given the tenacity of Apple's lawyers.

All right, all right-- so it's really just a clear Mac SE. So sue us. But when we saw its transparent, all-in-one design hearkening all the way back from 1987, we couldn't help but see the iMac's roots. Apparently fewer than ten of these clear-plastic "test" SEs were ever made, and we imagine they number among the most valuable and sought-after Apple collectors' items. Most interesting of all, though, is how modern and futuristic the SE still looks after all these years. There's still something to be said for the "toaster" Macs; their design really is timeless. Just give 'em a see-through shell, and they look like Internet appliances that won't surface until next year at the earliest. The rest of the industry's still playing design catch-up.