Who says nothing ever happens on the weekend? Fire up those VCRs, because it looks like "Redmond Justice" just got a whole lot more interesting-- and all we can say is, if this is an April Fool's joke, we're not laughing. Faithful viewer Porsupah pointed us towards a brief Reuters story enticingly titled, "Microsoft Mediation Talks End in Failure." According to the article, Judge Richard Posner (the man tasked with mediating a settlement between the two sides) issued a statement on Saturday announcing that "the quest has proved fruitless" and that April 1st marked the "end of [his] efforts to mediate the Microsoft antitrust case." Apparently the differences between Redmond and Washington "were too deep-seated to be bridged" by talks in Chicago. Christmas has come early this year for drama fans!

And while we admit some skepticism, most of our doubts were quelled when faithful viewer Jerry O'Neil sent us the same info via a different source: the New York Times. This seems legit, folks; these past four months of settlement talks have amounted to little more than a waste of airfare, a staggering catering bill, and a needless hiatus that's left "Redmond Justice" fans starving for action. But all that's over, now. Judge Jackson originally planned to announce his verdict last Tuesday, but granted an extension to see if last-ditch negotiations would bring forth a settlement. No go. So we imagine Jackson's sharpening up his axe right about now.

If you like, you can even read Posner's complete statement announcing the death of the negotiations. And lest you fear that this is just Posner's idea of an April Fool's joke, rest easy; the Times has plenty of reactive commentary from Microsoft and the government, as well. In order for this to be some kind of elaborate prank, everyone on the "Redmond Justice" cast would have to be in on it. And look at the photo of Posner-- we ask you, does he seem to be the joking type? So buckle your seatbelts: it's going to be a bumpy week.

And the good news just keeps on coming: those of you with $4000 burning a hole in your pockets, clear off some space on that desk, because Apple's gargantuan Cinema Display is once again available for sale sans G4. You've seen this wonderful flat-panel work of art. You've drooled over its 22-inch diagonal flat-panel screen. Its elegant curves, tastefully executed in Graphite, Silver, and Ice, have haunted your dreams. And while it was formerly available only in a bundle with a high-end Power Mac G4, now it can be yours for the low, low price of four grand. C'mon, it's a bargain at twice the price. Buy two-- get one for the kids.

In fact, if you're expecting a really big tax refund, perhaps you should consider three. Or five. Or do what faithful viewer Stephen White did: throw 999 of them in your cart at the Apple Store. Reports he, "you can get 999 of 'em for $3,995,001. But don't cut that check just yet... first find out how to get your order for just $91,485.52 per month." C'mon, who can't afford that? That's only the cost of 9,150 pizzas a month. So just cut back on your food delivery a bit. Eat spaghetti more often. It's a small price to pay, and really, eating over nine thousand pizzas a month can't be good for you.

Now, before you go out and perpetrate a pyramid land scheme in order to scrape up the cash for a Cinema Display in every room, we should mention that the 22-inch beauty is an all-digital creative tool. It requires a special graphics interface to work-- meaning, basically, that you've got to have a Power Mac G4 to use one of these puppies. Other Macs need not apply. Still, they're gorgeous enough to function purely on an aesthetic level, and $3999 isn't all that high a price to pay for a piece of art. Put one in the den under the Picasso; it's just the counterpoint you were looking for.

What better way to spend a weekend than by enjoying an anecdote from America's heartland? Faithful viewer Barry Hamill, The Exiled King of the Cheeseheads, wrote in to keep us apprised of the latest adventures of Rose, the five-year-old Fabulous Babe mentioned throughout our recent special report on painting Macs:

Sunday, I had to go to work and install a new hub. Rose came along so she could photocopy pages from her favorite books to color.

As we were about to leave-- and Rose was definitely ready to go, the thrill of coloring having faded for the day-- I decided to take a look at my NT servers, inquire as to their health, pamper them a bit. If they knew I was in the building and didn't come to see them, they'd get all pissy and start shutting down services on their own, that sort of thing.

I decided to reboot one-- it's NT, after all, it's as far from five nines as you can get and still call it a server OS-- and lo and behold, it did take abnormally long to shut down. As we were waiting for it, Rose and I had the following conversation:

Rose: When can we go, Dad?

Me: As soon as this computer restarts, sweetheart.

(pause)

Rose: Is it done yet?

Me: No, it's taking longer than I thought it would. It shouldn't be too long now.

(long pause)

Rose: Is it done now?

Me: No, Rose, not yet.

Rose: Dad! You should have just pressed "Apple"-Q!

Me: It's not the same as Mom's computer. It doesn't work the same way.

Rose: (sighing) I wish all computers were like Mom's computer.

Oh, well. I guess she won't be interested in my Sparc5, after all.

You know what they say: out of the mouths of Fabulous Babes...