Nature abhors a vacuum-- and so does the world of Apple rumors. We can only assume that Steve's been on a leak-plugging rampage lately, because in recent month's the air supply's been mighty thin for those of us who live and breathe that tantalizing "inside info" about those different thinkers out there in Cupertino. The heaviest hitters in the rumors game all seem to be on extended sabbaticals or something; AppleInsider's been gathering cobwebs since April 3rd, Mac The Knife's been missing in action for nearly two months now, and even "legitimate" AAPL dirt-disher Robert Morgan's been in semi-hibernation-- he just posted an extremely detailed analysis of Apple's Q2 financial results over at MacWEEK, true, but the layer of dust on Apple Recon is almost five months old. Meanwhile, even Mac OS Rumors has been slowing down lately, with less frequent updates and a heavy concentration of content we can only describe as "Rumors Lite".

So what's a rumor-deprived dirt junkie to do under these intolerable conditions? Why, talk about the Apple-Palm PDA, of course! Yes, it's during the "lean times" like these that we as a community fall back on the oldest, longest-standing, most persistent rumors never to have borne any fruit. It's a survival tactic to keep the rumor centers in our brains from atrophying when newer dirt is nowhere to be found. (By the way, did you know that Disney's about to buy Apple? They want in before Apple ships a shrinkwrapped Mac OS X for Intel later this year.)

So let's see what's brewing in the churning world of the mythical Apple PDA, shall we? Mac OS Rumors is drawing connections between Palm's recent announcement of a move to the ARM processor and the alleged relationship between Palm and Apple. (The ARM chips are what Apple used in the final iterations of the ill-fated Newton, see.) But reportedly "Apple is no longer planning on using much of the Newton technologies in its handheld efforts," and there's no indication at all of when we'll ever get to see this legendary beast. Since the big "W" in Apple rumormongering is "WHEN," we find ourselves drawn to the fresh-faced young upstarts at MacRumors. They've got juice on the Apple PDA's announcement time frame, claiming that an introduction of this "unique" handheld may happen in "three weeks." What's this prediction based on? "A source." But that's not all! One of their readers also heard the "three weeks" rumor from "someone [who] walked by him" in CompUSA.

That's two obviously reliable (and possibly even independent!) sources, folks. In a rumors drought this dry, one unsubstantiated report from "a source" plus one corroborating tip passed along third-hand from a random passerby in a computer store are about as good as an actual press release from Apple, a three-ring gala media event announcing the product, special bulletins on CNN celebrating the news, and a hologram of Steve Jobs himself suddenly beaming out of every Mac less than three years old saying flat-out, "Apple's PDA will be here in three weeks." So three weeks it is-- this time, for sure.

We were tuned in to "Redmond Justice" the other day, and we decided that sometimes you just gotta hand it to Steve Ballmer. According to a Reuters article, on Monday morning the Microsoft CEO rallied his troops by sending out company-wide email to allay fears of the governmental penalties heading for the corporation like a runaway freight train. In that message, Ballmer issued this decree: "This company, which has done so many great things for consumers [ed. note: he's talking about Microsoft] and the American economy over the last 25 years, will not be broken up." So there you have it: Ballmer says it won't happen, so it won't happen. After all, it's his decision to make.

Oh, wait a sec... we were mistaken. As it turns out, Ballmer has absolutely no say in the matter at all. Funny thing, that he'd state something so factually when the outcome of this case hinges as little on Ballmer's edicts as it does on the price of Tater Tots in Zagreb. But hey, it's good that the man has such a positive attitude. After all, until the remedy recommendation gets filed on Friday, everything we hear is just a rumor. It's not like President Clinton's aides were briefed on the Justice Department's plan to split up Microsoft, or anything. What's that you say? They were? Hmmm.

Still, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. We've been hearing all along that the feds and the states could never even agree on what kind of takeout to get for lunch, let alone what kind of penalties to impose on Microsoft. The feds wanted the breakup, while the states were pushing for something less "drastic." They only have until Friday to reach a compromise, unless the states decide to file a separate remedy recommendation, and we don't think they'll want to weaken their case by doing that. So unless the 19 states in the case suddenly decide to jump on the Breakup Bandwagon, Ballmer's assurances to his lackeys will hold. And what are the odds of that happening?

Well, apparently, the odds are pretty good. We imagine Ballmer's really pushing the maximum daily dosage of his favorite antacid right about now, because another Reuters story now claims that the states are "expected to join the federal government Friday in calling for the software giant to be split in two." Poor Ballmer. It's bad enough that his company might be broken up, but in the process the government may make a liar out of him, too...

So everyone finally agrees that Apple's back from the dead, right? The only holdouts still claiming that the company's in danger of going under are the same ones in straitjackets who think that the government is genetically engineering invisible insects that crawl in your ear, nest in your brain, and live off the fluoride in the water supply as they broadcast your thoughts back to Washington via satellite. (Which is, of course, just crazy; everyone knows those bugs subsist entirely on the radiation emitted from TV sets and microwave ovens.)

Okay, so if we're all in agreement that Apple's in no danger of imminent financial collapse, we should probably officially retire the adjective "beleaguered." Back in the day, there was no "Apple"-- only "beleaguered Apple." "Beleaguered" was to "Apple" what "mercurial" was to "Steve Jobs"; inseparable. And it's to Apple's credit that the company has managed to shed that tag in only two years (although we still encounter references to "once-beleaguered Apple" now and again). But let's consider this for a moment; why retire a perfectly good adjective just because it doesn't fit Apple anymore? As faithful viewer Adam Bezark recommends, "isn't it about time to take that last, delicious step? Forget about Compaq; let's pass the 'B' word on to a company that truly deserves it. 'Beleaguered Microsoft.' What a sweet sound."

Sounds to us like Adam's on to something there-- and guess what? The press is already starting to agree. Faithful viewer Avi Rappoport passed on a link to an article in the SF Chronicle that actually starts off like this: "Beleaguered isn't a word usually associated with Microsoft. But yesterday, amid a $72 billion drop in market value and word that the government this week may file a proposal seeking to break up the company, the shoe appeared to fit." Hey, Microsoft has taken so much from Apple over the years; it's only fitting that it takes the term "beleaguered" as well...