As the Apple Turns: Scene 2255: Saying Don't Make It So (4/26/00)

Saying Don't Make It So (4/26/00)

We were tuned in to "Redmond Justice" the other day, and we decided that sometimes you just gotta hand it to Steve Ballmer. According to a Reuters article, on Monday morning the Microsoft CEO rallied his troops by sending out company-wide email to allay fears of the governmental penalties heading for the corporation like a runaway freight train. In that message, Ballmer issued this decree: "This company, which has done so many great things for consumers [ed. note: he's talking about Microsoft] and the American economy over the last 25 years, will not be broken up." So there you have it: Ballmer says it won't happen, so it won't happen. After all, it's his decision to make.

Oh, wait a sec... we were mistaken. As it turns out, Ballmer has absolutely no say in the matter at all. Funny thing, that he'd state something so factually when the outcome of this case hinges as little on Ballmer's edicts as it does on the price of Tater Tots in Zagreb. But hey, it's good that the man has such a positive attitude. After all, until the remedy recommendation gets filed on Friday, everything we hear is just a rumor. It's not like President Clinton's aides were briefed on the Justice Department's plan to split up Microsoft, or anything. What's that you say? They were? Hmmm.

Still, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. We've been hearing all along that the feds and the states could never even agree on what kind of takeout to get for lunch, let alone what kind of penalties to impose on Microsoft. The feds wanted the breakup, while the states were pushing for something less "drastic." They only have until Friday to reach a compromise, unless the states decide to file a separate remedy recommendation, and we don't think they'll want to weaken their case by doing that. So unless the 19 states in the case suddenly decide to jump on the Breakup Bandwagon, Ballmer's assurances to his lackeys will hold. And what are the odds of that happening?

Well, apparently, the odds are pretty good. We imagine Ballmer's really pushing the maximum daily dosage of his favorite antacid right about now, because another Reuters story now claims that the states are "expected to join the federal government Friday in calling for the software giant to be split in two." Poor Ballmer. It's bad enough that his company might be broken up, but in the process the government may make a liar out of him, too...

SceneLink (2255)

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The above scene was taken from the 4/26/00 episode:

April 26, 2000: Unimpeachable, rock-solid sources claim that the Apple handheld will surface in three weeks; we also have a bridge to sell you. Meanwhile, Steve Ballmer's assertion that Microsoft won't be broken up seems a little premature now that the nineteen states in the suit are reportedly on board with that particular remedy. Isn't it about time that Apple passes the "beleaguered" mantle on to Microsoft?...

Other scenes from that episode:

2254: Gasping For Breath (4/26/00) Nature abhors a vacuum-- and so does the world of Apple rumors. We can only assume that Steve's been on a leak-plugging rampage lately, because in recent month's the air supply's been mighty thin for those of us who live and breathe that tantalizing "inside info" about those different thinkers out there in Cupertino...
2256: The 11-Letter "B" Word (4/26/00) So everyone finally agrees that Apple's back from the dead, right? The only holdouts still claiming that the company's in danger of going under are the same ones in straitjackets who think that the government is genetically engineering invisible insects that crawl in your ear, nest in your brain, and live off the fluoride in the water supply as they broadcast your thoughts back to Washington via satellite...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...


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