As you all know, the rumor mill's so dry we're drinking Tang powder out of the jar, metaphorically speaking. But does that mean we'd jump all over an unsubstantiated report that arrived second-hand from an unknown source, willfully and shamelessly spreading that rumor across the Mac webscape like so much Goober Grape on toast, without so much as a routine follow-up verification? If it took you more than two tenths of a second to say "hell yes," then you've either got an artificially high opinion of us, or a really low one. Either way, we'll take it as a compliment.

So here's us sharing the wealth in these lean times: a friend of a friend (well, actually a relative by marriage of a total stranger, but let's not get bogged down in the details) reports that the Midwestern robotics company for which he works just accepted a massive order from none other than Apple Computer. What's Apple shopping for, you ask? Not robot ninja assassins with integrated wrist-rockets and laser eyes (those are on a separate invoice), but a slew of epoxy dispensing machines that have to be delivered, installed, and ready for action by the end of June. That's not terribly interesting in itself, except that the mole claims to have overheard his boss talking about what these robots are going to be producing: PowerBook G4s.

That's right, G4. As in, supercomputer in a briefcase. As in, how the heck is customs going to deal with export restrictions on gigaflop computers when international travellers will soon be throwing them into shoulder bags? Reportedly our source's source overheard his source mention that Apple's first PowerBook G4s will ship in 500, 600, and 700 MHz configurations, but don't go rushing out to buy one just yet-- if the robots are ready in time (and that's apparently a big "if," given the size of the order and the tightness of the deadline), it'll still be several months before production can be scaled up to full-tilt yield. So don't expect these magical laptops until well after July's Macworld Expo. Still, it's nice to hear some fresh juice, isn't it?

Remember the Bunnymen? No, not the ones who played with Echo-- we're talking about the lame (and lamé) disco-dancing clean-room baggy-head guys that were inexplicably all the rage back when the Pentium II was at the height of Intel's hype machine. (Awww, thought you'd finally managed to expunge the last vestige of those dancin' fools laying down the boogie? Sorry about that.) At some point some genius in Intel's marketing department decided that it would be real boss to make "beanie" Bunnymen as promotional gimmicks, and, sad to say, it worked. You can find these things all over eBay if you're so inclined. Bunnymen dolls. Stop the world, we want to get off.

But all that's just prelude to what faithful viewer Kent Hull pointed out to us today. If you think Beanymen were weird, you may want to tread lightly when poking around the MVP Store. MVP apparently stands for "Most Valued Partner"; the MVP Store is Microsoft's outlet for promotional schlock that companies can use to "promote [their] brand." It's "by Microsoft people for Microsoft people," according to the site. What's that, you say? You didn't realize that Microsoft made people? Well, think again, buster, because how else can you possibly explain the MCP Action Heroes? Yes, folks, if anything signals the decline of Western civilization, it's this set of three Microsoft Certified Professionals (named Dan, Kim, and Nate, no less) who serve as "your desktop buddies." Any special powers? Well, they're Microsoft Certified Professionals! Isn't that enough? (No offense, but we're pretty sure that in a fight against, say, Nuts the Squirrel, Nate would get his ass kicked.)

So lessee... Intel's done it, Microsoft's done it, and all we want to know is, when the heck can we buy an authentic Steve Jobs action figure with kung fu grip and a real, working Reality Distortion Field™? He comes with a refillable water bottle and a real black turtleneck sweater, and if you press the button on his back, he'll question your manhood and make you cry during a job interview. Collect all five flavors! Larry Ellison "sidekick" doll not included. Now that's an action figure we'd pay cash money for, even before Apple starts flooding the Saturday morning cartoons with RDF-enhanced commercials pushing the things onto helpless children...

Sweet lord almighty, all hell's broken loose. We can't think of any other way to describe this. If we had to pick one thing, one thing in all the world that we never thought we'd see on an Apple Developer web page, it'd be hulking specimens of the World Wrestling Federation. But there they are-- the likes of Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock staring out from Apple's site, promoting the new "very special program" to let Mac game developers advertise their wares to the San Francisco wrestling audience.

Confused yet? It works like this: you, the game developer, pay Apple a flat $15,000. That fifteen grand buys your inclusion in a "three-week long promotion that will boost your brand, drive traffic to your website, and most importantly, dramatically assist in selling your Macintosh gaming titles." How? By slapping your product in ninety thirty-second commercials to be shown on SF's own UPN44 during the WWF Smackdown! UPN44 will produce the ads themselves, which will feature your product while also promoting a contest for viewers to win an "all-expense-paid trip for four to an upcoming WWF pay-per-view event"-- and a copy of your game, of course. Viewers will enter the contest by surfing to a URL given in the commercials and during the shows. After entering, the hope is that those wrestling fans will continue surfing to your company's web site.

We'll say this for Apple: someone's definitely thinking different. (Ly. Whatever.) However, we have to wonder what percentage of San Francisco's wrestling fans are Mac users. We think the promotion would be a lot more effective if the Smackdown had some special bouts during the three-week period that held special appeal for the Mac community who might not otherwise be regular viewers. How about Steve "Turtleneck" Jobs and Avie "College Boy" Tevanian against Bill "The Sweater" Gates and Steve "No-Neck" Ballmer in a knock-down, drag-out, no-holds-barred tag team cage match? That's the kind of event that'd stir up the blood lust in Mac users to the point where they'd be chomping at the bit to buy your 3D splatterfest. Heck, we'd fly out to the West Coast just to watch that match on TV. C'mon, Steve-- it's for the good of the platform.