We imagine that Steve Jobs is off in his Fortress of Solitude reflecting on the frustrations of hanging wallpaper: push a bubble down, and watch it pop up somewhere else. Because if he really is behind a master scheme to hobble the release of Alan Deutschmann's upcoming tell-all biography, The Second Coming of Steve Jobs, then his diabolical machinations are just pushing down bubbles. Take, for example, Vanity Fair's cancelled plans to publish excerpts from the book in its October issue; Deutschmann has publicly stated that he smells the subtle scent of Steve lingering in the air following that sudden change of heart. And since Random House, the book's publisher, has admitted that Steve called its top dog for "undisclosed reasons" (gee, we wonder what the topic of discussion could possibly have been?), it's not all that unlikely that Steve gave an earful to the magazine's execs as well. We imagine it went something like this: "Hello, Vanity Fair? Steve Jobs here. You know those excerpts from that hatchet job you were planning to publish next month? Uh-huh. Well, you know that Apple advertising contract we discussed? One word: Yoink! Are we clear? Later."

For whatever reason, even though the publication had paid to run them, Vanity Fair cancelled those excerpts, citing a last minute "lack of space." But if Steve did somehow influence that decision, he's probably none too pleased with the latest development in the hatchet-job saga: according to MacCentral, Talk magazine has snatched up those juicy Jobsian tidbits and plans to run them in its October issue. Talk is run by Tina Brown, the former editor-in-chief of Vanity Fair, so it's nice to see that those excerpts are being kept in the family. The bottom line for you, of course, is that if you're too cheap to shell out for Deutschmann's book, you can pick up a magazine instead and opt for a lower dose of Jobs juice. Whatever floats your boat.

With the Unsinkable Tina Brown at the helm (who's probably giggling with glee over scooping her former Vanity Fair bosses), we doubt that a call from Steve is going to cancel those excerpts this time around. Which means if our favorite iCEO is serious about keeping those unflattering words off the newsstands, he's going to have to play hardball. One tip, Steve-- kidnapping is a federal offense, and a stretch in the jar will only make the next biography even muddier. So play it cool.

Denied again?! Sometimes we really have to doubt Apple's commitment to the whole streaming media thing. First QuickTime 4 took many more months to surface than anyone thought was healthy, giving rivals Real Networks and Microsoft plenty of time to improve their own competing architectures. Then the company occasionally declined to webcast certain key events, such as the Tokyo Expo keynote (at which Steve introduced the new PowerBooks and iBooks) and the Worldwide Developer Conference keynote (which had always been webcast in the past). And now the ugly trend continues; according to AppleInsider, when Steve takes the stage at Seybold next week, if you're not sitting in the audience, you won't be basking in Steve's glory. "No webcast for you!"

Now, we consider this particularly worrisome because Seybold is a professional publishing show-- an event at which a live showcase of QuickTime's broadcasting capabilities would be right on the money. Instead, it was at last month's Expo (a far more consumer-oriented affair) that Steve made a big deal about his keynote webcast being the biggest broadband streaming video delivery ever. That was very interesting and all, but we doubt many consumers were impressed enough to run out and host their vacation videos on QuickTime Streaming Server. Come to think of it, last month also featured another announcement that would have been far better suited to Seybold: the dual-processor Power Mac G4. For one thing, until Mac OS X ships, that second processor doesn't mean squat to anyone who doesn't eat, sleep, and breathe Photoshop, and for another, what average shmoe is going to get all pumped up about onboard gigabit Ethernet? But we digress. (Like that's new.)

Of course, we fully admit that the real reason we're miffed isn't because Apple may be fumbling the ball when it comes to pitching QuickTime to the publishing profession; it's because we won't be at Seybold, and now we won't even get to watch a smeary, pixellated, digital approximation of Steve say "one more thing." Okay, fine, so maybe the Mac OS X beta won't be released at Seybold. Perhaps Steve doesn't plan to introduce new iBooks and/or PowerBooks at the event. That's still no reason to keep those of us who are Seybold-challenged from tuning in over the web. What's the good of streaming technology if Apple doesn't even use it for its own major events? We want our SteveTV!

Something tells us that someone's been raiding Underdog's medicine cabinet, because the StrongARM just got a whole lot stronger. The latest incarnation of the Little Chip That Could is called XScale, and according to CNET, it's heading for a Palm near you. The older StrongARM was a supremely capable chip, approaching Pentium-level speeds but with a low enough power draw to function perfectly well in a battery-powered handheld device. Palm, however, opted to equip its PDAs with Motorola Dragonball processors instead. But with XScale now offering performance "roughly 20 times [that] of the Dragonball" while using even less power, Palm's having a tough time staying away.

Those of you who, like us, got suckered by Steve when he promised an Apple handheld device to replace the late, lamented Newton "in 1999" may have picked up on an interesting connection here: the last iterations of the Newt used a StrongARM processor, which provided enough raw speed to power its uncanny handwriting recognition as quickly as the average person could write. So is Palm's reported use of the XScale yet another tenuous tie between Palm and Apple, hinting at a deeper secret collaboration between the two companies on a next-generation handheld that'll merge the best features of the Newton and the Palm, while also incorporating fresh innovations and Apple's flair for killer industrial design, thus putting an end to the threat of the PocketPC once and for all? Well, uh, no. Sadly, all but the most die-hard rumor hounds have probably given up hope that Apple will ever re-enter the burgeoning market which it invented, and which it has currently ceded to other companies who are actually willing to milk it.

But, of course, hope springs eternal. In our most optimistic moments, we can imagine a next-generation Newton device with an XScale at its core, running a souped-up Newton OS (or, perhaps even better, a slimmed-down, tweaked-for-handhelds Mac OS) fast enough to run the Palm OS in emulation. That'd give us full Palm compatibility, the Newton's versatile handwriting recognition, and a sleek new design. And while we're at it, we'd also like a pony. Instead, though, Palm fans should buckle up, because it sounds like you're in for some serious speed in the not-too-distant future.