Tsk, tsk, tsk... some people just can't handle a little competition. You recall, of course, the announcement of the XtremMac back in early August, right? Xtrem claimed that by doing some incredibly scientific-sounding and top secret stuff to a standard 500 MHz G4 processor and then installing it into a 3D rendering of a Shure microphone, they'd wind up with a G4-based Mac clone running at an astonishing 1200 MHz. The XtremMac is still "under development," but it's due to blow our socks off "by the end of 2000." (Hmmm, the clock's ticking, people-- in order to ship within eight weeks, one would think that Xtrem would have to have a fully-functional prototype by now, right? Obviously we'll see a press release any minute now.) Meanwhile, the company is hard at work trying to hook a G4 up to a VCR remote control's "fast forward" button to see if that helps at all, while shipping $60 jumper block kits that allow existing Mac users the fastest, most effective method to void their warranties.

Generally, we'd simply say "more power to 'em" and let Xtrem get back to their EXTREMELY SCIENTIFIC experiments involving strapping a G4 to a model rocket engine while repeatedly chanting the name of Mario Andretti, but now they're messing with AtAT's sponsorship. Many of you probably recall that AtAT officially endorsed Xtrem's primary competitor, hoaXtrem, when the company announced a 1200 GHz-- yes, 1.2 terahertz-- computer that theoretically whupped the pants off of Xtrem's own theoretical offering. Unfortunately, Xtrem's CEO (obviously desperately grasping at straws in the face of such overwhelming competition) sent a nasty letter to our glorious benefactors, demanding that the hoaXtrem site be "immediately terminate[d]."

Well! Thank goodness the industry wizards at hoaXtrem have a clever legal department, because the company has refused to deactivate its web site, instead planning to fight any threatened legal action in a unique way: hoaXtrem intends to argue that its web site is a parody. Smart! Since, in this country, parody is still a valid defense from copyright infringement and libel/slander charges, the hoaXtrem people are brazenly leveraging the entirely coincidental similarities between its own site and that of Xtrem's by claiming that it's all just a joke. Since the 1200 GHz hoaXtremMac isn't due to ship until the year 2200 anyway, it's not like they'll lose much business that way.

All we can say is, if Xtrem decides to proceed with a frivolous lawsuit (instead of devoting all its resources to cross-breeding G4 chips with cheetahs on crystal meth), this better not mess up our endorsement contract. Come the year 2200, that free 1200 GHz hoaXtremMac better show up on the doorstep of our great-great-great-great-great-grandkids, or the descendents of the Xtrem staff will have hell to pay for nixing the deal. When it comes to missing out on free gear, our wrath transcends generations.

So things were so incredibly slow yesterday that we resorted to covering how the IBM-Transmeta deal fell apart-- which drew criticism from one Mac fan for being poorly researched. Hey, we're the first to admit it: we know next to nothing about the Crusoe processor except what we glean from the info-bites scattered across the Web. The only reason we mentioned it at all was because IBM's sudden unexplained decision to shelve its Crusoe-powered ThinkPad mere days before Transmeta's IPO smelled slightly of that corporate drama we usually get in such abundance from down Cupertino way. Plus, the vague rumors that Apple's working on a prototype Crusoe-based PowerBook to hedge its bets against Motorola's stagnant PowerPC situation gave us the flimsiest of excuses to claim that the story was relevant.

Anyway, while we aren't particularly sorry that our original coverage was poorly-researched (you folks surely expect that from us by now, right?), we do apologize for missing the real drama in the whole IBM-Transmeta story. Whereas we mentioned that some analysts attributed IBM's change of heart to lackluster performance and battery life that wasn't nearly as good as originally expected, faithful viewer Peter Pediaditakis noted that The Register took the angle that we sadly missed-- namely, that Big Daddy Intel isn't too happy with the Crusoe poaching on Pentium turf and might therefore be putting the squeeze on Wintel manufacturers who dare to dance with Transmeta.

See, it's like this: Dell has been practically begging Transmeta for chips, but word got back to Transmeta that Dell took its buddy-buddy (or, more appropriately, toady-bully) relationship with Intel a notch too far. Dell allegedly shared technical info about the Crusoe-- info which Transmeta divulged only under NDA, of course-- with Intel, and the peeps at Transmeta are positively unthrilled at such a transgression. As a result, Dell's been phoning for weeks, but Transmeta's screening and refuses to return Dell's calls; as faithful viewer Julie Lewis so appropriately puts it, "this is what happens when you 'kiss and tell.'"

What does this have to do with IBM's decision to drop the Crusoe, you ask? Well, Dell's relationship with Intel was allegedly strong enough to get the company to break a contract and sour its deal with Transmeta. That serves as a reminder that IBM has to stay in good standing with the chip giant, too, if it wants a steady supply of Pentiums to ship in the vast majority of its computers. Having done a little more research on the Crusoe and finding it to be one intriguing little piece of technology, we wouldn't be at all surprised if IBM was, er, "persuaded" to drop its Crusoe plans at the behest of Chipzilla, who envisions warehouses full of unsold mobile Pentiums if the Crusoe reaches critical mass.

What does this have to do with Apple? Well, not a lot, admittedly, unless the rumors of a Crusoe PowerBook are true. Motorola has an even greater hold on Apple than Intel has on any PC manufacturer; whereas at least the x86ers could turn to AMD in the event of a total Intel lock-out, Apple's got nowhere to turn if Motorola decides to take its ball and go home. Sure, IBM can make G3s and even Altivec G4s-- but its Altivec license comes from Motorola. So unless Apple plans on moving to an all-Crusoe product lineup, it's going to have to tread lightly as far as handling Motorola is concerned.

Finally, it becomes even more abundantly clear why Apple never shipped an iMac in a yellow hue called "Lemon." Faithful viewer Vince Briones kindly notified us of a fantastic promotion currently in effect down at Bob Dance Automotive of central Florida: buy or lease any new or used vehicle before the end of the year and get an iMac for free. Now that's an offer you can't refuse! We can get the undercarriage rustproofing on that iMac, right?

Granted, the details are a trifle dodgy. (Get it? "Dodge-y"? Hey, it's Friday-- we're below our Terrible Pun Quota for the week.) One page advertising the giveaway claims that "you pick the color" of the free iMac, but another clearly lists the specs of the giveaway system as the entry-level $799 350 MHz model-- which, as everyone knows, is available solely in Indigo. Evidently Bob Dance is pulling a Henry Ford and telling us that we can have any color, as long as it's Indigo. Still, a "free" $799 iMac is nothing to sneeze at, so if you happen to be in the market for a new or used car in the central Florida area, consider buying from Bob Dance and picking up a free addition to your Mac family at the nearby Altamonte CompUSA store.

Free Macs with cars-- this could be the start of something big. Didn't Volkswagen sell some cars complete with mountain bikes and skis? Why not something like a "PowerBook Mercedes," which includes Apple's pro laptop tricked out with a GPS card and directions and mapping software? Or if that's too appropriate a concept, there's always Vince's suggestion for an Oracle adjunct cross-promotion: "Maybe we can get Uncle Larry [Ellison] to throw in a license for Oracle 8i with every new jet ski!" That's a fine idea, Vince, except that Oracle CEO and Apple board member Larry Ellison is dead... isn't he?