Okay, so the U.S. is in a state of higgledy-piggledy following an election whose script exhibits a serious lack of closure. Right now everyone's sort of freaked out, because no one knows for sure who's going to be President come Inauguration Day. Personally, we're not all that disturbed, since all we need to know for sure is that whoever wins, it's not going to be Steve Jobs-- and frankly, we find that sad fact shocking in the extreme. We were sure that wearing those "Steve Jobs For President" T-shirts last Tuesday would have generated a sufficient number of write-in votes to win Uncle Steve a four-year stint in the White House. Evidently something went horribly, horribly wrong. We figure it's a vast right-wing conspiracy.

But fear not-- just because as of right now the world's number-one superpower will be leaderless come January 20th, that doesn't mean you have to dwell on uncertainty and doubt. Ditch that poorly-scripted Presidential Election nonsense and take a look at a real election-- one that actually, you know, ends and stuff. We recommend UPSIDE magazine's "Elite 100" list-- the list of "high tech's top 100 high rollers for 2000." For one thing, the results are actually available. Now. As in, it's done. Finished. Over. Not "too close to call." That alone should be enough to get your attention.

Better yet, whereas there was barely a single mention of Steve Jobs throughout the ongoing Presidential Election coverage, Apple's Man With A Plan comes in at a healthy number 5 in UPSIDE's list of dazzlin' digerati. He's beaten out only by Steve Case of AOL, Carly Fiorina of Hewlett-Packard, his best friend Larry Ellison of Oracle (oooo, that's going to create some tension), and Scott McNealy of Sun. All in all, a pretty decent ranking-- especially since Bill Gates is number 7. (Incidentally, Michael Dell is at number 12-- sorry, Mike, but your Steve act's going to have to get a bit more polished before the two of you tie for fifth.)

We've only got one real gripe about UPSIDE's rankings: Steve's fifth-place standing may be decent when taken on its own merits, but compared to last year's results it's practically a panning. Yes, in 1999 Uncle Steve placed first in the list-- Numero Uno, the Top Dog, the Big Cheese. In fact, it was Steve's first-place Elite 100 ranking last year that prompted us to suggest that the man run for President in 2000. Hmmm... maybe we should have kept our yaps shut in the first place... but it's all UPSIDE's fault. We swear.

Heads up, people-- in case you're one of those bizarre freaks who doesn't watch much television (how on earth do you get your daily supply of vitamin X?) and therefore may not have seen Apple's new commercial, it's finally been posted to Apple's ads page. This is the one that focuses on iMovie 2 and features the triumphant return of Jeff Goldblum to his traditional post of talking up Macs to the masses. Make sure you've got a reasonably current version of QuickTime installed, tune in, and watch him do his thing.

Those of you who do watch TV, though, probably needn't bother. Appropriately enough, the commercial is evidently titled "Again and Again," after Jeff's closing line, "Oooh, let's watch that again and again and again and again!" Those of you who were tuned into NBC's election night coverage are now nodding your heads knowingly, since the ad in question was indeed shown "again and again" well into the wee hours of that otherwise intensely frustrating night. In fact, "Again and Again" may well be the first Apple ad in a long, long time that we damn near got sick of on its first day out of the gate. Nothing against Mr. Goldblum, of course, but a chirpy homage to the wonders of iMovie repeated six or seven times in an evening was, surprisingly enough, a bit much.

Still, the ad's been posted, in case you yourself haven't gotten your fill about how iMovie lets you speed up footage, slow it down, and add music. Or perhaps you want to see Jeff's goofy dance over and over, or you just like hearing him say "I've got cheesy ideas." In any case, now you can download the clip and watch it "again and again" until your brain slides out your left ear, grabs a nearby blunt instrument, and smashes your Mac's display in a desperate bid to protect itself. Be warned; neither Apple nor AtAT is responsible for any damage your brain may cause in the interests of self-preservation. That sort of thing is definitely not covered under warranty.

Oh, the moral dilemma! Thanks to this news lull, the Apple world remains about as boring as your average Saturday morning farm report to a kid waiting for the cartoons to start. So, given the dearth of entertaining and dramatic plot twists that typically issue forth from Cupertino, are we, your friendly neighborhood AtAT staff, shameless enough to stoop so low as to boost our sagging ratings with cheap, off-topic jokes about Bill Gates and Viagra? Let us ponder that one good and hard for about three seconds... and answer with a resounding "you're darn skippy we are!" Hey, we gotta eat, right?

See, faithful viewer Victor Forberger passed along an Associated Press article about how Pfizer, the anti-impotence drug's manufacturer, recently lost a case in the U.K. when a British court ruled that one of the company's patents on Viagra is "invalid." (Insert lame joke about the courts being rather hard on Pfizer.) That fact in and of itself isn't particularly enthralling unless you have a vested interest in competing firms in Britain being able to make and sell alternatives to Pfizer's "Little Blue Pill That Makes Things Bigger™." What is rather interesting is that one of those competing firms is Lilly Icos, who in fact filed the suit challenging Pfizer's patent, claiming that "Pfizer's monopoly right was stifling the development of competitive products." Guess who's a big investor in Lilly Icos? Yup, none other than Big Rich Guy Bill Gates. Bill is indeed investing in the development of Viagra alternatives. (Insert lame joke about "Microsoft" here-- and throw in a crude one about a frustrated Melinda while you're at it.)

Now, all sniggering about Bill's, er, "condition" aside, even those of you too mature to enjoy the Viagra humor inherent in the situation must surely appreciate the irony of a Gates-sponsored lawsuit targeting another company for "stifling the development of competitive products," right? Evidently the suppression of competition in the computer software industry is good, clean, all-American fun, but forward progress in the pharmaceutical war against erectile dysfunction must be preserved at all costs. Whatever. In any case, we applaud Mr. Gates for investing in the future (self-serving though his motives may be), and wonder whether Steve Jobs is doing his part to break Pfizer's chokehold on what is surely a real growth market.