When she's not busy terrorizing the bozos in the browser development business, MacEdition's CodeBitch takes time out to keep us posted on the Naked Mole Rat's increasingly less infrequent returns to semi-lucid consciousness. Lo and behold, the Rat stirs-- and less than a week has passed since his last visit to Awakeville! Two updates in March, and the month's only half-over? Something tells us someone's running low on Nyquil and Percocet.

However, all that recreational self-medication may finally have taken its toll, for the Rat seems to have awoken thinking it's the middle of 1999 or something. While the rest of the world is giddy over the G4's recent ascent to 733 MHz and looks forward to its semi-imminent penetration of the gigahertz barrier (you do know that Mac OS Rumors is still saying "1 GHz by late August," right?) the Gay Blade is all agog over the G3 instead. Not that advances in the G3 architecture aren't welcome, as they're responsible for recent speed boosts in the iMac and iBook lines, but we strongly suspect that our beloved bald wonder needs to check his *NSYNC "Timberlake-A-Day" desk calendar and get with the times.

Nonetheless, the news is heartening; even as Motorola continues to improve the G4 by laying off employees at an alarming rate, IBM is reportedly hard at work on the next G3 variant-- which will take clock speeds into the 700 MHz to 1 GHz range. However, don't expect a fleet of zippier G3-based iGoods anytime soon; apparently the next G3 won't even hit beta until August, and commercial production isn't expected to commence until "the second quarter of 2002." So don't expect the G3 to beat the G4 to the Big Gig.

Oh, and as further evidence that the Rat is probably asking "is it Tuesday or June?", look no further than the info on the PowerPC 603e. (We bet that takes you back, right? Visions of StarMaxes are dancing in our heads...) It seems that, for some reason unknown to us, IBM is still producing those decidedly '90s-style chips-- perhaps for use in coffeemakers or something like that. But if you want any, you need to act quickly; last call is slated for August 31st, and production grinds to a halt at the end of the year. So if you're looking for a lifetime supply of 603es to keep your Performa 6400 running ad infinitum, get on the horn!

Sure, everybody in the computer industry bags on Apple, but it's pretty tough to deny that those lovable geeks in Cupertino are high-tech trendsetters. Heck, back in the early '80s, pundits laughed at the GUI and the mouse-- and now just about every system sold uses both. People laughed at the in-your-face styling of the iMac, and now translucent colors are everywhere you look; even corporate poster child Dell has banned beige from its product lines. And the way we remember it, Apple also kicked off the laser printer, PDA, and consumer-grade digital camera industries with the LaserWriter, the Newton, and the QuickTake, respectively. It's all about Follow The Leader.

So is it any wonder that Apple blazed a bold new trail into the wilderness of high-tech financial meltdowns, as well? Most of you may recall that this current nightmare on Wall Street really didn't kick into high gear until Apple tipped the first domino back in September. Remember that first earnings warning, in which Fred Anderson outlined a variety of reasons why Apple would be posting a smaller profit than analysts had been expecting? Yes, Education sales were down, and okay, Cube sales were embarrassingly low-- but it was that "business slowdown in all geographies" that we consider to be the focal point, here. At the time we thought, "what business slowdown?" Looking back upon the tech carnage over the past six months, however, it's only too obvious that Apple had started yet another trend.

It was only a week later that Dell followed suit (surprise, surprise) with its own earnings warning, citing "slower than expected revenue growth." And over the course of the next few months, suddenly earnings warnings were popping up like weeds. The entire industry cited slowing sales and a faltering economy, and slashed their profit forecasts accordingly. Brightly-colored computers, cratering stock prices-- it's really all just due to a big lack of originality. Darn copycats.

And the latest to climb on board? Why, it's those lovable freaks over at Compaq! Faithful viewer Oren Krinsky was only too happy to inform us that Compaq has warned investors that "first-quarter earnings will fall far short of analysts' estimates," according to a Reuters article. Why, you ask? All together, now, with feeling: "CONTINUED WEAKNESS IN THE U.S. ECONOMY, AND RESULTANT PRICING PRESSURES!" Same tune, slightly different words; it's like an annoyingly catchy jingle that the industry can't get out of its head. But in case you were wondering if Compaq added anything to the mix, the answer is yes: the company has opted to throw in 5,000 layoffs for good measure. Say what you like about how Apple dropped the ball; the company may have lost a quarter billion dollars last quarter, but at least we haven't heard of any Cupertino pink slips. But then again, Apple can't come up with everything, right?

Speaking of copycats, undoubtedly the most shameless of the big-name PC makers to opt for full-on Apple emulation is Dell, whose product lines mimic Apple's strategies without going so far as to steal Apple's actual designs. We admit, it's not entirely a mercenary thing, seeing as we have proven conclusively time and time again that Michael Dell is psychologically unstable and has a serious Steve fixation; still, though, it's gotten to the point where every single Dell move is somehow traceable to a previous Apple one-- or, at least, seems to be.

Case in point? Dell's new Inspiron 2100 laptop, which we found via Go2Mac courtesy of a gentle nudge from faithful viewer Tony. If this had come out, say, three months ago, we wouldn't have given it a second look... but in light of certain recent advances in the Mac portable world, the Inspiron 2100's "metallic" case and one-inch-thick svelteness tripped the alarm bells in our head. No, as far as we can tell, it's not actually made out of titanium, but doesn't it look awfully familiar anyway?

Now that we think about it, though, we're probably just a bit oversensitive to the whole "Wacky Mike" syndrome. After all, the new Inspiron probably isn't titanium, and it doesn't have a wide aspect ratio screen. It also doesn't have a built-in DVD-ROM drive, opting instead to shave a couple of pounds off its weight by leaving that stuff for external attachments. Yes, there's apparently built-in Ethernet and a modem, but that's probably par for the course these days. In all, other than the metallic surface, the real reason that the Inspiron invites comparisons to the PowerBook G4 is because-- dare we say it?-- the G4 is Apple's most typically Wintel-looking notebook to date. (Other than the fact that it happens to be gorgeous, of course.)

Say, what if we're on to something, here? We definitely heard complaints from some Mac users when the PowerBook G4 was unveiled, who felt the design was too similar to Wintel junk. So what if Steve is messing with Mike by having new Apple designs start to mimic Dell's? Suddenly you've got Mike copying Steve copying Mike. We figure one of two things will eventually happen: either Mr. Dell will regain his sense of self through Steve's selfless act, and thus return to a state of grateful sanity-- or the contradictions and confusion will snap his fragile mind like a twig and he'll go totally Fatal Attraction on Steve's behind. Hide the pet rabbit, Steve!