If there were ever any doubt that the Mac-using community is off its collective nut, the world now knows for sure-- and not because of our oddball choice of computing platform, our quixotic battle against assimilation by the Windows horde, or even our unyielding willingness to bathe in Reality Distortion Field radiation like it's a cure for exposure to poor taste. Nope, what's going to get "normal people" slowly edging away from us on the subway is the way in which we're reacting to this whole Apple retail stores announcement. The news of Apple's plans to open its first ritzy boutique on May 19th at an upscale Virginia mall prompted hordes of local Mac fans to descend upon the hapless location like a swarm of locusts armed with spy cameras and innocent expressions.

Seriously, just take a look around; between the special reports at The Mac Observer and MacNN, we're picturing covert black-clad Mac operatives hiding in bushes and snapping infrared photos of whatever activity is visible beyond the unmarked construction wall blocking the action. Do you think Wintel people were sneaking around in the shadows trying to get illicit glimpses of the first Gateway Country stores? Yeah, right. Heck, we're more than a little surprised that some overzealous Mac maven hasn't knocked out one of the construction workers in the bathroom, stolen his clothes, and breached the store's perimeter for a better look at the inside. (Note: AtAT does not condone such extreme measures to sneak a peek of an under-construction boutique that'll be open to the public in ten days anyway, so don't go getting any ideas.)

The level of detail of some of these reports is inspiring, if not just slightly ridiculous. Estimates based on "pacing off the store by foot" put the store at roughly fifty feet wide and about 10,000 square feet in area. Apparently quick glimpses inside the construction site (through "cracks in the construction wall," no less) indicate that the finished interior will be "very bright in light and white color"; furthermore, small signs hanging from the ceiling divvy up the store into sections marked "Home," "Music," "Kids," "Pro," "Movies," "Photos," "Genius," and "Etc." Oh, and since you're obviously all wondering what kind of Ethernet routers Apple will be using in the store, empty boxes found in the dumpster reveal that Asanté has been trusted with the gig. (Now you can sleep at night.)

Anyway, there's no dearth of sketchy facts and mostly unenlightening digital pix of the Apple store's exterior floating around on the 'net right now, but if you're planning on launching your own little covert recon mission, be prepared to deal with mall cops a-plenty. Evidently all this unwanted attention by the local Mac community has prompted Apple to step up security to the degree of absurdity; "at least a half dozen mall security guards" are now stationed both inside the mall in front of the store and outside at the store's back entrance. Our own sources report that Steve Jobs has even personally hired the legendary Lafours of New Jersey's Eden Prairie Mall to head up the security squad at Tysons Corner, so if you're going to tangle with him, make sure you've got a plan (and a sock full of quarters)...

We here at AtAT have occasionally been criticized for describing Michael Dell as mentally ill when we lack even a basic psychiatric education upon which to base that diagnosis; furthermore, the closest we've even gotten to the man is reading about his exploits in the press. Upon reflection, we've decided that, despite the scads of evidence that Mike has an obvious mania and obsession with Steve Jobs and Apple, that criticism is valid. While we still maintain that one needn't be a licensed psychiatrist to spot a raving lunatic, it's true that since we haven't really experienced the consequences of the man's behavior first-hand, we aren't necessarily the best people to judge Mike's sanity-- but maybe you'll take the word of one of his own employees, instead.

See, eagle-eyed faithful viewer CD spotted an interesting post over at Austin360.com by a self-confessed "design engineer at Dell" who agrees at least broadly with our diagnosis; he "seriously question[s] the sanity of the CEO", even if we differ in opinion on the exact nature of Mike's psychosis. This unnamed engineer was prompted to go public with his tales of Mike's madness by Dell's recent announcement of 4000 layoffs, which the engineer attributes to His Mikeness's "obsession" with ruling the industry and a Napoleonic "attempt to drive Compac [sic], Gateway, and H-P out of the business." The general gist is that Mike has leapt blindly into a bloody price war to crush his opponents at the cost of "destroying" his own company, all "to satisfy his own EGO" with no regard to the employees who made his company what it is today.

It's worth noting that the Dell engineer in question never mentions any obsession with Steve Jobs, instead hinting at a more generalized megalomania and delusions of grandeur. But when you think of a computer company founder whose delusions of grandeur and reckless disregard for the welfare of his own employees almost sent said company over the brink, doesn't a certain mercurial turtleneck-wearing fella spring to mind? Say, circa 1983, let's-pit-the-Mac-team-against-the-Apple-][-team? Clearly Mike is still deeply in obsessive Steveulation mode, and he's working his way back in time.

Still not convinced? Well, then maybe this one will change your mind... Remember way back in '97 when Mike publicly stated that if he were Steve, he'd have shut Apple down and given the money back to the stockholders? For a brief moment, it really looked like he was taking his own advice to heart. Faithful viewer Leland Jory sent us an interesting screenshot from his Excite home page this morning. Take a close look and you'll notice that DELL is down $24.83, or 100%; that's right, according to Excite, DELL was at 0. Looks like Mike was successful in shutting someone's company down...

Speaking of companies that are shutting down, few bottom-feeding cheapo Wintel builders raised as many hackles in the Mac community as eMachines. Though you may have repressed the memory, these were the folks who not only first sought to revolutionize the industry by selling dirt-cheap beige boxes to people who couldn't afford a computer any less ugly, but also went on to sully the iMac's reputation by selling their yucky "eOne" copycat in hopes of freeloading off of Apple's industrial design and marketing budgets. And indeed, the company boasts the number three spot in the retail desktop market. Or, at least, it used to, back in June of '99; you'd think the corporate web site would have newer data than that, but hey, give eMachines a break-- it's beleaguered.

Yes, it appears that selling fully-functional (well, as fully-functional as Wintels get, anyway) computers for approximately $59.95 each wasn't the world's brightest business plan. With margins as razor-thin as eMachines's must have been, a slight dip in the economy is all it takes to throw the train off the rails. A couple of months ago the company announced that it was slashing its staff by 16%, and other plans to raise some actual profit (such as revenue from ads that customers would see when connecting to the 'net) have fallen by the wayside. eMachines sales figures were down almost 50% at the end of 2000 and things are looking grim. Small wonder, then, that The Register reports that the company is shopping around for a buyer.

The big question, of course, is who would want to buy yet another beige box maker, especially one that's evidently hovering just this side of The Way Of All Microns? The eOne was pretty much the only noteworthy (if breathtakingly ugly and evil) thing ever to come out of that company, and it's conspicuously absent from the eMachines product page; it doesn't even appear on the "previous models" page, implying strongly that Apple's lawyers not only managed to get eMachines from selling any more eOnes, but also succeeded in expunging the product from the very space-time continuum. Still, if you've got a hankering to run your own PC manufacturer even further into the ground, cash in your penny jar and make an offer; who knows what might happen?