We'll say one thing for the marketing folks at Apple: they don't lack chutzpah. Remember when they seeded the press with invitations to the introduction of a "breakthrough digital device" a couple of months ago, thus amassing a pile of hype so dense not even common sense could escape its gravitational pull? And remember when said "breakthrough" device turned out to be the iPod, and several Mac fans' heads actually imploded from the sheer underwhelmingness of it all? Sure, the iPod is one seriously kickin' MP3 player, but when all's said and done, it's still just an MP3 player, and the debate over whether or not a 4.6 GB storage capacity in a pocket-sized form factor really constitutes a "breakthrough" can rage on well into the coming decade-- it's still not going to help those poor souls whose craniums caved in when the iPod showed up.

But has Apple learned its lesson? Evidently not, for while those who suffered from Sudden Hype-Induced Cranial Deflation Syndrome have barely recovered and are still paying their medical bills, Apple is at it again. No doubt you're already aware that Macworld Expo starts next week. And you probably also know that Uncle Steve's keynote address was recently moved up a day and lengthened a bit, thus hinting at something big in the works. Those of you susceptible to hype-related injuries may already have been getting a little nervous. And then starting this past Monday, with complete and utter disregard for the well-being of its more excitable fans, Apple threw caution to the wind.

Yes, kiddies, the hype machine is officially out of control, and we really, really hope that Apple has the goods to back up this unprecedented journey into the realm of shameless self-promotion. The iPod teaser was only sent to the press, but now Apple's taking the hype straight to the fans. On Monday, Apple's home page indicated that there was only a week left until the big event, and brazenly announced "This one is big. Even by our standards." As if that weren't enough to set the peanut gallery up for a massive letdown, yesterday the countdown stood at T minus 6 days, and Apple kicked it up a notch: "Count the days. Count the minutes. Count on being blown away." Convulsing yet? If not, perhaps you didn't see today's "five days and counting" edition, as noted by faithful viewer Hatchet: "Beyond the rumor sites. Way beyond."

Hmmm... surely someone's going to take that as a personal challenge. Since the rumor sites have been exceedingly tame of late (at production time, neither Mac OS Rumors nor AppleInsider had updated in two weeks), presumably Apple doesn't have far to go; how hard is it to go "way beyond" reports of the Mac OS X 10.1.2 release and rumors of 10.2's feature set? Heck, if we were in charge at either of those sites, we'd feel duty-bound to launch immediately into wild predictions of levitating Apple PDAs that cost $9.95, feature a telepathic interface, and can print $20 bills on command-- just to force Apple to top it. (On the other hand, we suppose the dodecahedral G5 rumor at MOSR qualifies as pretty over-the-top already. So does that mean Apple's going to introduce a Power Mac G6 Icosahedron instead?)

All we can say is, if all this hype is for, say, an Apple-branded mobile phone, Apple's going to have a whole lot of fans' heads to reinflate. Bicycle pumps at the ready!

We look at it like this: Apple isn't stupid. Steve wouldn't allow Apple's own home page to promise an Expo that will leave us all "blown away" unless he was 100% sure that his company could deliver. The only circumstance we can imagine in which the company would hype next week's Expo to the stars-- especially given the soul-crushing letdown of last summer's show, not to mention the backlash after the "breakthrough iPod" fiasco-- is if it's dead certain that Steve is going to have the crowd weeping tears of unparalleled joy. (We're almost glad we can't be there in person; sounds like things might get a little soggy and hard to light.)

As for this "way beyond the rumors sites" hoo-haa, well, to us that means exactly one thing: Apple's got a brand new product ready to unleash that has so far totally escaped public detection. We know that sounds pretty unlikely, but don't forget, Apple has pulled it off before; nobody saw the iMac coming, either. Which means that whatever it is that's got Steve giggling in anticipation of seeing a sea of dumbstruck faces on Monday when he wheels it out, it's probably not the LCD iMac we've all been waiting for. Why? Well, precisely because we have been waiting for it.

So does that mean we won't be getting a new iMac next week after all? Au contraire; all signs point to yes. Between all the iMac promotions just wrapping up, the fact that the Apple Store suddenly lists a 7-day wait for all iMacs, and reports surfacing here and there about the iMac coming up as "End of Life" in Apple's own products database, of course we're going to see a new iMac next week. And we bet it'll be plenty spiffy. However, we just get the distinct feeling that the new iMac, however incredible it may be, is not what has Apple acting so cocky just five days before the Big Event. There's Something Else. There's One More Thing™. And apparently it's something that's going to knock our proverbial socks off, right through our shoes.

Then again, perhaps it's time for a brief perspective break. It may be worth keeping in mind that Steve also called Dean Kamen's much-ballyhooed top secret "Ginger" device "as significant as the personal computer" and predicted that the human race will one day "architect cities around it"-- whereas, once it was finally unveiled, most of us just said, "Hey, look, it's a really expensive scooter" and went back to watching "Welcome Back, Kotter" reruns. So remember, Steve sometimes gets more excited about things than the rest of us, so be prepared-- and if, against all odds, Monday's announcements are somehow less than enthralling, maybe Mr. Woodman will let you get close enough to Steve to shout "up your nose with a rubber hose!"

Yes, it's true; the AtAT staff is going to miss what might apparently turn out to be the biggest, baddest Macworld Expo ever. We recently discovered that, in a bizarre twist of geography, San Francisco is on the West Coast, which means that our Atlantic-bound butts are, sadly, planted next to entirely the wrong ocean. Whoops! Worse yet, since advertising revenue in today's spiralling economy is barely enough to keep the AtAT staff in Chiclets these days, unfortunately we need to moonlight to pay the bills-- and our manager at Denny's won't give us the time off because of the post-holiday rush. And so, like millions of other Mac fans, we won't get to file into Moscone come Monday to bask in the live brilliance of Steve's Reality Distortion Field. More's the pity.

So while we can't be there live and in person, right now we're pooling our options to score a little second-hand RDF energy via some form of broadcast medium. As far as we can tell, we've got several choices; the most obvious is to tune in for the live webcast, as faithful viewer Jeff suggests. There are definitely pros and cons to that approach; grabbing a stream can be an iffy proposition, and holding on to one once you've got it can be even trickier. Assuming all goes well (and when does it ever?), we'll be treated to a teensy, smeary little video window and audio that makes it sound like Steve is broadcasting from the rear of a cave while gargling. On the plus side, we'd be able to put together a special Stevenote AtAT episode live as events unfolded.

However, we think it's safe to say that demand for webcast streams this time around will be even more out of control than usual, thanks to Apple's patented Rampage O' Hype, so maybe a satellite broadcast would be a safer bet. The AtAT facilities are dish-challenged, but Think Secret reports that at least some of the Apple retail stores will be slapping the show up on their big projection screens. Apparently attendance is by invitation only, but even if we could wrangle an invite, we're not sure we feature standing for two hours in exchange for a clear broadcast. Some of us have knees that are only actually still knees in the strictly technical sense of the word; those of you with working joints, however, might want to investigate the possibility.

For those of you with cable, there's always the chance that TechTV will broadcast the keynote unannounced, as they apparently have in the past; beware, however, as we've heard from many viewers that the running commentary by the "hosts" has been both distracting and overwhelmingly anti-Mac, so we can't recommend that as the ideal solution. Any port in a storm, however. Now that we've thought about it, we're probably going to take our chances with the webcast, because it's always been pretty good to us in the past. And a blood sacrifice to the gods of the streams ought to grease the wheels just fine...