So here's the thing: over the past several months, we've been steeped neck-deep in dirt about the PowerPC 970, IBM's shiny new processor that's supposed to put Apple back in the game as far as raw computing power is concerned. There was Ars Technica's ridiculously comprehensive report on the chip. There are new 970-related rumors flowing out of MacBidouille at the rate of approximately six per minute, the latest of which implies that the Power Mac 970 has a fiber channel port for connecting an Xserve RAID, or perhaps a bonnet-style hair dryer. (Our French is a little rusty.) And now Mac OS Rumors has just kicked in its own expectations for what technologies the 970-based Power Mac will include.

Yessiree-Bob, there's certainly no shortage of information (albeit of questionable validity) about the 970. The upshot of which is, of course, we're already sick to death of the thing and it's not even out yet. Oh, the tribulations of being a rumor junky. We're considering applying for some sort of federal aid.

It's a good thing that Mac OS Rumors is looking out for us, though; in addition to the 970 Power Mac specs, MOSR has also started dishing dirt on-- are you ready for this?-- the PowerPC 980. Yes, folks, if you, too, are so jaded beyond recognition by all the 970 speculation that you can't picture yourself deigning to buy one because it already feels like last year's model, the solution is simple: just start looking forward to the 980 instead. After all, if MOSR is even remotely on target, there's a heckuva lot to look forward to.

Apparently while the 970 is derived from IBM's POWER4 architecture, the 980 will be based on the POWER5-- which, as anyone can see, is one louder. And as if that weren't exciting enough, just take a gander at the projected clock speed: "4.5 GHz to 5.0 GHz +." Couple that with "a much more powerful Altivec unit, a high-performance on-board memory controller, and countless other improvements" and you wind up with a nitro-burnin' funny chip with "performance levels well in excess of ten times today's." And when will all this magic come to pass, you ask? "A little over a year from now," we answer. Or, rather, MOSR answers. We're just pipe-dreaming right along with you guys.

All of which means, of course, that the only people who will buy a 970-based Mac instead of waiting another year for a 980-based model are lame-os, squares, and the feeble-minded. And lest you think that we're only saying that to drive down demand for the upcoming 970s in hopes of spurring an early round of price cuts for our own personal gain, we assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. Nope. Nuh-uh.

By the way, the 970 also causes baldness. And weight gain. Massive weight gain.

We've really grown to dislike seeing the words "Microsoft" and "settlement" in the same sentence, mostly because it's never something good like "Microsoft has been banished from the country and exiled to a settlement on the small island nation of the Republic of Maldives." (Not that we'd particularly wish such a nasty fate upon the fine people of Maldives, but, well, it's you or us, fellas. Sorry.)

No, it's pretty much always something like Microsoft getting away with a slap on the wrist for having stabbed an assortment of nuns and babies. (Not literally, of course. Yet. We think.) This latest instance of the "Microsoft Settlement Bad News Syndrome," pointed out by faithful viewer Snipe and reported by MacMinute, has Microsoft settling a private antitrust suit with AOL's Netscape division-- you remember that whole "browser war" thing, right?-- by paying the company $750 million. Now, granted, that's not exactly chump change, but neither is it a crippling expense to a company the hulking size of the Redmond Behemoth.

But that's not the bad news. The bad news is that the settlement also provides a "new royalty-free, seven-year license of Microsoft's Internet Explorer and Windows Media Player to AOL," which strongly implies that for the next seven years, the eleventy-billion AOL subscribers scattered across the face of the planet will form the cornerstone of Microsoft's monopoly on web browsers and, eventually, media players. It sure sounds to us like Windows Media Player's free incorporation into the AOL client software pretty much nails the coffin lid shut on those reports that AOL was considering using the iTunes Music Store as its online music service. Indeed, AOL and Microsoft reportedly announced that they'd "work to broaden consumer access to high-quality digital content, in such areas as online music services offering single downloads and/or monthly subscriptions."

As for AOL negotiating for a seven-year license for IE when it kindasorta owns a little browser called "Netscape," well, maybe it's just us being paranoid or something, but doesn't that sound a little like AOL getting ready to pull the plug on its Netscape division? Even if it doesn't, seven more years of AOL's enormohuge customer base using Microsoft's browser effectively cements that little monopoly, and the iTunes Music Store is going to have an uphill fight ahead of it, too. Microsoft and settlements; nothing good ever comes of them.

Psssst... Hey, buddy... Ya wanna buy a letter Q? No? Well, then how about some Weekend Surrealism? Guaranteed to alter your consciousness from now 'til Monday, without any of those harmful chemical side effects that traditionally go along with recreational substance abuse. Tell you what, the first hit's free. This is good stuff, guaranteed. Ready?

Here we go: faithful viewer Badtz Maru was innocently puttering around IBM's web site looking for more information on the long-awaited PowerPC 970, when he stumbled upon a publicity photo titled "IBM 64-bit PowerPC 970 microprocessor chip with feathers (#90)." Please note the complete and total lack of irony in that title, given that the photo is in fact depicting, for no particular reason we can fathom, an IBM 64-bit PowerPC 970 microprocessor chip-- with feathers. You will probably agree that this is what we've been taught to refer to as "a tad askew."

"Oh, sure, it's askew," you agree, "but not particularly surreal." Patience, Grasshopper; we're not actually to the full-on surreal bit yet. The surreal bit is that there are three other photos, making for an honest-to-goodness 970s 'n' Feathers quartet. Ladles and gentlemints, we hereby present to you "IBM 64-bit PowerPC 970 microprocessor chip with feathers (#91)," "IBM 64-bit PowerPC 970 microprocessor chip in the eye of a peacock feather (#92)," and "IBM 64-bit PowerPC 970 microprocessor chip in the eye of a peacock feather (#93)."

Are you freaked out yet? 'Cause we sure are. We haven't the foggiest idea what's up with the feathers, unless perhaps it's IBM's way of trying to tell us that these chips are really light. If that isn't the case, we're just going to have to assume that a few dozen brightly-colored birds exploded on the set during the photo shoot and the photographer just decided to run with it. What do you suppose they'll photograph the PowerPC 980 with? A few floppy pocketwatches, maybe?